The I hate Jonathan and Delia Fan Club
by heartdamoose
Summary: Each chapter is a little mini story that usually has some type of Jonathan,Delia,or Roger bashing in it. Also some HPxTP crossovers,some LoTR,and Star Wars I guess. There are also fluffy chapters,most of them KN,or KD,and some DN. Read for laughs.
1. A Sticky Situation

Alas, once again this story has been kicked off, heehee. Wow. Okay, there is no way I am breaking the rules this time, I'm being extra careful.

Disclaimer: I don't even own the plot. Well actually I do, but that's a long story. Anyway, I don't own anything here. It's all TP

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

After lady Knight. Kel is at New Hope in a sticky situation…

"Merric we are in a very sticky situation." Kel said as she tried to pick up her feet. They were stuck in a pile of honey. Merric, Neal, Tobe and some cooks were all stuck in mounds of dripping honey. And Neal was loosing his patience.

"No really Kel?" Neal asked with a temper. He himself was trying to pull his hands apart. It was very challenging to pull hands apart with drying honey plastered in between the two.

"I'm really sorry guys." Merric started. "I thought the bucket was full of water not this honey crap." He looked down. Well, he would've if he could move his head, but alas it was stuck to the wall.

"It's okay Merric. We'll just wait for someone to come in and save us." Kel said. She herself was trying to get her sticky hair away from her sticky eyes with her sticky hands. Unfortunately, that wouldn't work because the stickiness of her sticky hands would just make her sticky face even more stickier then they were. And that was the last thing that the sticky Kel needed. But of course it wouldn't really make a stickiness of a difference because she was already so sticky that the stickiness of her hands wouldn't make her face any stickier then her sticky face was.

After a couple minutes of waiting, five people came, but they also, got captured in the evil honey's wrath. Kel swore that from this day on, she would never allow Merric to touch even a small jar of honey ever again. Neal himself was on the verge of exploding.

Ha. That might get us out, Kel thought. Neal exploding may just do the job.

After a couple more minutes of waiting and a long string of violent R rated curses that aren't going to be said for one's comfort, there was a sound from outside the door. Suddenly the door crashed open and there stood a very sexy guy.

Bad Kel bad! She thought as she looked at the sergeant with a hot as-No! Bad Kel! How dare you! But those beautiful eyes, so much blue. The way the man's ebony hair blew with the wind that wasn't there. His flat iron stomach that filled out his tunic was absolutely Domlishious (new word). And that smile. It was a delicious smile. All I wanna do is taste those happy lips…Bad Kel!

"I'm here to save you!" Dom said in a heroic voice. He smiled at Kel when their eyes met.

Kel's Yamani mask nearly exploded from blushes. Man he's hot. (A/N: Okay, you can tell I'm obsessed)

"And how are you going to manage that oh-mighty-king-of-flirts?" Neal retorted with a smirk. Well let's just say a half smirk since the dry honey made it hard for him to move his lips an all.

"Like this Meathead." Dom said with a sexy smile.

Dom then got out a firehose, even though they weren't invented yet, and sprayed everyone with it. (A/N: Dom would be a hot fireman wouldn't he. Hee hee funny thoughts) the water quickly washed most of the honey off of the people so they could move enough to wash the rest off in the tub. Dom made sure he splashed the most at Neal. Why? Because that's what Dom does.

Kel was relieved…

OOO

Intermission

Okay I'm sorry to stop the story so much, but from this point on, it's gonna get a little dirty. As in romantic PG-13 type of dirty. Just a warning. Okay back to the fic…

OOO

That she could move again, but unfortunately for her, she was wearing a white shirt. She felt a blush creep up her face that not even the toughest of Yamani masks could break. She felt Dom's eyes stare at her.

Worse for Kel, Dom began to smile. But it wasn't a dirty smile, it was a smile of kindness. Dom walked over to the Lady Knight and took off his shirt. (A/N:.. Whistles..Hot bod) Kel felt her blush deepen as she looked at Dom's bare chest. Man he has hot abbs. Is that a six pack? Dom handed his shirt to Kel.

"I think you need this more then me." Dom said. He turned a shade of pink.

Kel thanked her obsession, and slipped the tunic over her wet shirt. It fit just right, but was a little bit bigger then hers.

Neal, Merric, Tobe, and the other people who got caught in the honey rushed to the door and left, leaving Kel and Dom alone.

Dom smiled again. Kel smiled back. Dom, not knowing what he was doing began to walk closer to the tall knight. Kel could feel his hot breath on her face.

This just isn't right. Not right now at least, Kel thought to herself when she looked at Dom. She felt her insides melt three times over. But in the middle of a room full of honey and with her, too sticky to imagine she didn't want to even think…

"Well I better get washed." Kel said nearly depressed to leave the man that saved her butt from the wrath of the honey. "I don't want to be permanatley sticky."

"Do you want any help." Dom asked. Then, just realizing what he just said began to blush a beet red.

"Excuse me?" Kel asked not believing what she thought she heard.

"I said do you want some kelp." Dom said pretending to correct himself. Kelp? That's the lamest pickup line I've ever heard, he thought.

"Um that's okay Dom. I've got-uh-plenty of-kelp." Kel said sixty percent confused. The other 40 percent was slightly depressed. Bad Kel! Depressed? You are so nasty!

Kel waved goodbye and walked out of the room deep in dirty thoughts. No bad Kel! Dom was left slightly foolish and stupid. Actually very stupid, because he was standing in the middle of a pile of sticky honey.

OOO

Neal's perspective

Neal was walking to the infirmary with his newly washed hair and face. A nice clean Neal. He was prepared to help one of the very sick children that he was working on before the honey incident.

The honey incident.

It was pretty funny actually. I mean it's not everyday that you get stuck in abnormal amounts of honey for a couple of hours. Of course it wasn't funny when it happened but now that you think of it…Dom. Why'd he pop into my poetic mind? Because he thinks your best friend is hot duh, Meathead. Oh great now he has me saying it.

It's driving me crazy though. It's so obvious that Kel has had a crush on my cousin ever since that punk Cleon was forced to dump her. His loss. And then there's Dom oh man, you can hear him talk in his sleep. 'Oh Kel, I love you so much. Mmmmhmmmm'. I wish I could speed up the process a little.

Neal stopped walking and smiled his wicked smile. The smile that won him a couple punches from the stump himself. Ha stupid stump. I think a plan is in order.

Neal walked through the infirmary doors and to his sick patients

OOO

Kel sighed with relief. It felt so good to be clean again. Never again will I have honey, she promised herself as she walked down to the square of New Hope. The cool breeze felt good on her wet head. She had to return Dom's shirt back to him. Kel smiled. The shirt was still warm from his body heat. His smell, well it didn't smell like a brand new fresh nobleman that's for sure, but it smelled comforting.

She turned to her right to go to the sergeant's quarters. It was part of the long building where all of the Own and other soldiers also slept. She knocked on Dom's door and waited for a reply.

"Just a minute." Dom said lazily. Kel smiled. Dom was so funny sometimes, For the simplest things. It was amusing. Almost as amusing as watching Peachblossom try and bite Neal, and of course succeed. The door opened and there stood Dom with…no shirt on. Perfect. Kel thought to herself.

Dom looked just as surprised as Kel, except more because her didn't expect her. "Uh-come in." Dom welcomed. His room was small, but welcoming. Even though it wasn't very clean.

"I brought back your shirt. Thanks for letting me borrow it." Kel said handing it back to Dom.

"Oh, but it was a gift to keep." Dom said in a noble voice. "For you to always remember me. Savour it forever, my Lady Knight." Kel smiled. Dom is such a flirt. Dom, of course, couldn't keep his eyes off Kel. But Kel didn't seem to notice.

"It's a beautiful day outside." She pointed out trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"Yeah, it's very-hot. I mean Sunny! I meant sunny!" Dom said still looking at Kel.

"Do you want to go out…" Kel started, only to be interrupted by the man with sexy hair.

"Yes."

"I didn't finish my sentence yet, Dom!" Kel said trying to stifle a laugh of amusement. "I was going to say, do you want to go out riding."

"Oh." Dom said disappointed. "Sure."

"Okay I'll meet you at the stables in five minutes."

OOO

"Yeah well, the own has been doing very well lately. And Raoul has been the same crazy self. So far he's fallen off of his mount five times and tripped over fourteen flights of stairs. Fell down it all. And when at last he stopped, he just got right back up again and said that that was a waste of time."

Kel couldn't help but laugh, and laugh, and laugh. She laughed so much that Dom was starting to think that Kel was having a bad case of apolpsey and needed serious help. Tears rolled down Kel's cheeks in laughter. In fact it wasn't really that funny.

About thirty minutes later, Kel had finally calmed down. "Are you done know?" Dom asked slightly amused.

Kel nodded and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

When they arrived at a river, they decided to give the horses a break and relax for a little bit. Little did they know, they weren't alone.

"Yeah, well I was thinking more on the level of sue." Kel pointed out when they brought up the conversation of King Jonathan.

"That would be good, but he has too much money for it to hurt him. You could fight the King's champion."

"Yeah, but that's until death and I don't feel like killing the person who helped me get through my knighthood. And anyway, someone has to keep Neal under control." Dom laughed at that.

"kkkkkkeeeeeeelllllll…" said a freaky random voice that was familiar.

"Yes Neal?" asked Kel.

"Dammit!" the voice whispered. After a long pause the "thing" spoke again. "I'm not Neal, I'm-uh-Neal's-er-worst enemy."

"But Alanna's at Pirate's Swoop." Kel pointed out to the voice.

"No Neal's other worst enemy. The evil carrot of doom. Hey Kel this way…"the voice said.

Kel shrugged. Neal was an idiot and she would teach him a lesson. The couple-to-be ( A/N: crap that gave it away) (A/N: crappity crap me giving it away by saying I gave it away gave it away) stood up and followed the voice.

"Ccclllloooseeeerrrr." The vegetable said.

Kel and Dom found themselves in front of a very big bush.

"Okay Neal-I mean 'carrot of doom'. Show yourself."

There was no answer.

"Maybe he left." Dom said. He didn't hear anything but them and a couple of crickets.

"What the--?" Kel screeched. She fell down on her back when she started to back up.

"Kel are you all-aggh!" Dom also fell…on top of Kel. "Mithros, Kel are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah." Kel said weakly. Her heart was melting as she stared into the sea of ocean blue eyes that looked at her. Dom's warm breath made her shiver in delight.

Dom also didn't move. All he did was stare into Kel's dreamer's eyes. He too began to melt from Kel's beautiful stare. He gently brought down his head and kissed Kel sweetly.

Kel was shocked, even though she knew it was coming. His kisses meant something. It was like a book, you could read each kiss differently, and this one was meant for her. It wasn't like Cleon's, the jerk! His kisses were empty compared to the meaning that Dom put in his.

Kel and Dom both came back to their senses when they heard cheering from off in the distance. They both broke off the kiss and began to blush furiously. When they turned to the sound, they saw Neal, Merric, Raoul (don't ask where he came from. Let's just say he can teleport.), Owen, Raould (same with Raoul), a jelous Cleon, Lord Wyldlon no scratch him, The whole entire own, Shinko, Yuki who was making out with Neal, Voldemort, Alanna, George, Roger, Joren (I'm getting to the dead guys now), Vinson, Faithfull, Thom, Daine, Numair, and Ozorne.

"What in the world are you doing here?" Kel asked her face the color of a very ripe strawberry.

"We all knew that you would be getting together eventually, but it was driving us crazy not having it sped up." Alanna explained with an evil smirk. Kel glared at her hero.

"It was my idea!" Neal retorted to his former knight-master. Realizing what he just said, he ran away with a sprint. Alanna was in hot pursuit.

I'll make sure I go to his funeral, Kel thought as she hid a smile.

"Well we're together now, capeish?" Dom said. Everyone nodded in satisfaction and walked off.

When Dom and Kel got back to their horses they kissed some more like they would never see each other again, then walked back to New Hope.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Toodles…

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or setting. Everything is TP's except for Voldemort who is JK's.


	2. No One will Miss Him

Well I was just sitting on my computer abnormally hyper and listening to Gavin Degraw, when a very violent picture popped into my mind. For all you Cleon lovers out there, I recommend not reading this. You may decide to take revenge. And I don't want violence. But at the end kd hidden in a very loud cough

Oh I also forgot to put my disclaimer…I don't own notin' but me and a box of pencils, but someday I will own seaworld. It's on the top of my to do list.

Any way onto to the violence…

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kel awoke with a start. It was the dream again. She hated that dream so much, but for some reason it felt so right. It scared her that she liked the dream. The dream of killing your own lover wasn't supposed to bring happiness to your mind.

Cleon's my friend isn't he? Kel told herself as she slipped out of her covers and into the hot bath. Isn't he? The squire pondered these things as she washed herself and got dressed into a blue tunic and black breeches.

She heard a large grunt from the door that connected her from her Knight Master. Kel smiled. Raoul was sleeping well. She flashed back to the time when Raoul's snoring woke up the King and he was sent to do cooking service for a week. The whole time Raoul had his tail in between his knees like a sorry dog.

Of course she always suspected such mean things from the King. He abused his powers acting like the ruler of the world. He owned a country for crying out loud! And all he wants is more freakin' money while the poor commoners suffer to by enough food for a day. All he cares about is he and his stupid powers.

Kel began to imitate the King, "Der. I'm the King you warriors go to the border and get yourself killed. But I don't care because I'm stinkin' rich. Okay so first we'll go for Carthak. I think I'll marry off my children to the other royal people and try to make peace. They won't care; they're only children. And of course if that doesn't work I can always destroy their land including my own kids. Let's see we'll make it a game. Fifty points for Scanra, twenty for Carthak, and ten and a half for the Copper Isles. Ha more for me!"

"Uh Kel what are you doing?" asked a sleepy Raoul. He was smiling at her. "That was pretty good."

Kel smiled. "You know I hate him. Well-who doesn't. Well, I gotta go, I have to start a King strike and decide if I should kill my boyfriend or not."

Raoul waved goodbye. "If you really want to kill Cleon slow and painfully, I would suggest cutting open his stomach and taking the inners out. Then if he is still alive burying him alive with flesh eating bunnies would be best.

Kel left her room and headed for the cafeteria to look for Neal. She needed advice.

OOOOOO

"I would recommend black mail. And if that doesn't work you can always burn down the castle." Neal said after Kel asked him how to threaten the King to step down.

"That could work, but I was looking for something more realistic like setting a rabid cannibal on him. Eat your vegetables, Neal."

Neal glared at his best friend and swallowed down a cooked carrot. He quickly downed it with a gigantic jug of water. Kel, being the nosy person that she was, pushed the bottom of the cup to his face making the water splash down his tunic.

Piercing emerald eyes glared at her.

"I fell" Kel said. It was the traditional excuse.

"Oh well in that case." Neal began. "I'll just have to do this!" Neal picked up his dessert and threw it at Kel's head. Her face was now covered in cherry pie.

"Stupid butterfingers they get to me everytime!" Neal said as he snapped his fingers.

"Nealan of Queenscove! You now have no dessert and a helping of revenge on your lap." Kel said as she tried to stifle a lauph. She wiped the cherry sauce from her face.

Before they could get deeper into the food fight. A very tall red head walked through the door. Everyone knew who he was. Cleon. Kel stared at her boyfriend in disgust. I don't love him anymore. She thought. Actually I never really did. He was the one who made the first move, the jerk!

The boy came over to them and sat down. "Kel my little bugger of corny happiness. I hope my stupid and uncreative nicknames don't make you feel uncomfortable. But it's not like I care. I just like you cause you're easy to take advantage of. And just to let you know, Neal and Owen and everyone aren't really my friends. I just pretend they are because none of my year mates like me. But you guys are to stupid to know that."

Kel stared at him. Neal's jaw dropped and the chewed up roll that he had in his mouth plopped onto his plate.

"Uhhg. Queenscove that was disgusting!" Cleon said in clear disgust. "Such manners aren't supposed to be at the palace. Of course I don't count because me and the King," Cleon laughed. "Well, we have connections."

Kel swallowed her anger and looked at the strawberry red Neal. He stared back and they smiled at each other. They both had a plan.

But before they could make the plan work, a very handsome man walked through the door. He had beautiful black hair and capturing blue eyes that would make even the toughest of women faint. His smile only made his venomous eyes worse.

To Kel's glee, he was walking right towards them. Her stomach began to flutter when he smiled at her. This is supposed to be my boyfriend.

Neal saw Kel's face and smiled. Ha this is just too funny. My best friend is a lover with a fat jerk of a non-friend who is in love with her. But Kel's in love with my cousin. Hee Hee! These just gets better and better. Just like my poetry.

Dom sat down next to Kel and put his arm around her. Kel's Yamani mask was about to shatter in blushes when Cleon finally broke out in a jealous yell.

"Hey get away from my Kel!" Cleon yelled. Dom looked at the ugly mean jerk on Kel's other side and slipped his arm off of Kel's back. Cleon smiled in satisfaction.

Kel didn't notice any of this as she thought. But the only thing she could think was, so sexy so sexy so sexy. She knew what she had to do. She slipped off of the bench and headed for her rooms.

OOO

Cleon's room

Cleon picked up a note that laid on his bed. When he opened it he smiled. Kel.

"Dear Cleon. I was wondering if you could meet me in the empty classroom not anywhere near civilization that no one really knows about. Please don't bring any weapons or anything that can defend you from non-intentional attacks. Please come alone and don't tell anyone where you are going. Oh and you might want to pack a couple belongings just in case you never come back again. That deffinetly won't happen though. Absolutely not. Come as soon as possible. Kel." He smiled and quickly brought a box with a couple of belongings and his fuzzy teddy bear he could never get to sleep with. Its name was Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy Winkleton.

OOO

Cleon walked to the abandoned classroom and knocked on the door. He didn't know why he knocked on the door, but he always loved to do stupid things like that.

Kel opened the door. "Hi Cleon. Listen I have to tell you something." Cleon walked through the door.

But before Cleon could do anything, Kel grabbed a dagger from her belt and cut him in the stomach.

"Oh! That really hurt. But I guess you didn't mean that since you love me. I guess you just fell down-again." Cleon looked at his wound. "Wow that's a lot of blood."

"I never cared for you son of a…"

OOO

INTERMISSION

Now before we get to the gory part, I just want to say how much I hate Cleon. I mean he was bad for not being a true friend, and those nicknames were really lame. He didn't even like Kel's friends, and for all we know, Cleon could've been using Kel. Trust me, he deserves to be dead. Well no one deserves to die, but well-whatever. And if you like Cleon and didn't take the warning I said before seriously, well I warned you.

Now let's get back to the story

OOO

"Monkey's butt!" Kel yelled at him.

Cleon just smiled at her. "You're just saying that. Deep down you know you love me." Kel stared at him completley amazed.

"You are such a stupid oaf." She whispered. She then took out Cleon's inners. Suprisingly he was still alive.

"Hee hee. That tickles." Cleon lauphed. Kel stared at him in disgust.

Well there's only one thing to do now. Kel thought. She picked up the two hundred pound over-weight Cleon and put him in a coffin. Fortunately, the coffin was too short so Kel had to cut off Cleon's legs. He was still alive. Next, she threw in a flesh-eating bunny and closed the coffin door. Now how am I supposed to but this block of garbage in the one hundred-foot hole I dug?

As if on cue, Dom walked through the door. Kel's stomach did flip-flops.

"Hey want any help with Cleon?" he asked as he smiled.

"Uh sure. How did you find out?"

"I went into his room to put itching powder in his bed and found the note."

They carried Cleon outside and dropped him into the grave. Once they finished burying him, Kel put the tombstone at the head.

It said:

Hear lies Cleon

Clueless little enthusiastic onslaught nerd

He was an idiot and not even his parents would miss him.

"Romantic sight isn't it?" Dom said as they sat in front of the grave. Dom brushed his lips against hers.

"Dom what was that for?" Kel asked hardly able to keep her Yamani mask straight.

"To congratulate you of course. How about a little more congratulations?" Dom said with a flirting smile.

Kel smiled. "I'd like that."

Meanwhile Raoul was looking at the grounds with his telescope. He then discovered his sergeant making out with his Squire. "Finally." He whispered to himself. "Wow that's a lot of tongue."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Well it's all a happy ending. Cleon is dead, Kel and Dom are finally together, and well Raoul has helped his squire once again with her problems. I'm really sorry about the tongue thing. I swear I am not perverted. I'm an angel really.


	3. A Slight Twist Part 1

Okay I came up with the coolest idea...

It's a KelDom with a twist.

And there will be the Olympics in Tortall! How exciting.

On with the story…

Disclaimer: man I wished I had the imagination of TP. (if you don't know what that means, it means I don't own anything)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Neal eat your vegetables, they're good for you." said Kel. Her hazel eyes were calm, but Neal knew that she was annoyed.

"Yes Mother." He mumbled as he chased the peas with his fork.

"Don't call me that. I mean really, how many times have I told you?" Kel asked eating a piece of broccoli herself.

"Let's see. I've known you for about fifteen years, with eight of those years seeing you nearly everyday. So I've seen you about three hundred-thirty days every year. Now if I multiply that by the three meals that we have everyday, that would be nine hundred-ninety times a year. That's a lot. Now the matter of multiplying it by eigh-"

"Neal I was just kidding." Kel pointed out trying to stifle a laugh. Neal seemed disinterested with her point and picked up a piece of paper that was left on the table by him.

Oh great, here he goes with his reading frenzy again. Last time, he mobbed the royal library and stole the importing documents. Hee hee, that was pretty funny when Duke Baird found out though…

Kel's thought evaporated as she began to get curious about the paper herself. Neal's raised brows also raised her curiosity. "What is it Neal?"

Neal seemed to ignore her for a bit as his dark green eyes danced across the paper. When Kel tried to swipe the paper away from him, he only held it out of her reach. Kel began to show some frustration under her Yamani mask.

"It says that next week will be the first annual Tortall Olympics in Corus. Everyone may compete through many tasks including Bear wrestling and a scary obstacle course. If you wish to compete in the many categories, go next to the stables to sign up in the category you desire. Well I'm interested. You wanna come sign up with me?"

"What are you doing Neal? This could be an evil trap that one of my many enemies has set up to attack my best friend. Now that you think of it, go ahead Neal." Kel ducked a punch bowl that Neal threw at her. Instead of it pouring on her, it flew towards Alanna. Soon enough, Alanna was covered in punch. (A/N: Where did the punch bowl come from?)

"I'm dead." Neal whispered mostly to himself. You couldn't see Alanna's furious face under the red punch, but you could tell it was there.

Alanna drew out her sword. Neal gulped and stepped a couple paces back. He broke out in a cold sweat. (What in the world is this leading to?)

"Stay where you are Queenscove." The pissed off Lioness ordered. Neal dared not disobey his former Knight-master. "We have unfinished business." She came closer and closer.

Neal ducked his head. "Just get it over with Lioness." He stammered.

Alanna looked confused. "What are you talking about Neal?" she asked. "I was going to challenge you to the Pie eating contest in the Olympics."

"Wha? O-oh k-kay" he gasped. "Ri-right. Okay." Alanna smiled.

"I'll sign you up." With that, The Lioness walked out of the room.

Neal smirked at Kel. Kel just glared back.

"I told you so. No trap. Come on let's go before all the spots get filled up." They both headed for the stables.

OOO

"Oh look Kel, there's Balor's Needle Sky diving." Neal joked. Kel went pale, but pretended not to hear him.

"Neal, you and Yuki should compete for longest kiss." Kel also fooled. Neal smiled.

"Unfortunately the Lady of Queenscove is out in the Yamani islands. Oh how I will miss the moonlight of all beauties. The goddess of all Yamani's. You know Kel, you and Dom should enter. You would be-" Neal suddenly ducked a swipe from Kel.

Instead of hitting Neal Kel's punch hit Dom himself right on the head. Neal began to laugh uncontrollably.

"Mithros! Kel I can't believe it! Of all the luck! Ha! This is just too good!" Neal fell on the ground in laughter. Many other people who were signing up began to stare at the crazy man having fits with himself on the ground.

"Dom, are you okay." Kel asked aside herself from accidentally hitting Neal's cousin. He moaned as he lay on the ground.

"Applesauce." Dom moaned coming to his senses. Kel tried to get rid of the laugh in the back of her throat. Dom opened up his eyes and stared at Kel who was looming over him. Their faces were inches apart.

Dom smiled his melting smile and his eyes began to dance.

"Dom, are you okay?" Kel asked worried. Dom nodded. Kel tried to control the fluttering feelings in her stomach.

"I'll be fine, I'll just have a big lump on my head for a few years." Dom answered, back to normal. He stood up standing very close to Kel.

Come on Kel, this is your time to kiss him. It's perfect. Of course everyone is watching, but at least Neal's too busy laughing to notice. Dom's head began to lean in closer until his sweet hot breath was mingled with hers.

But before Kel could even think further on what to do, Dom leaned his head in closer and kissed his secret crush sweetly. Kel surprised that he did it, and that he kissed her in the first place, stayed still surprised for a moment. She also began to kiss Dom back. Dom was also surprised, but soon enough they forgot about their surroundings, and the crowd.

When they finally let go of each other, they could hear whistling and hoots from (oh great not this again) Neal (who eventually came to his senses), Merric, Alanna, Owen, Raoul, Burri, Faleron, and Cleon (who was looking quite jealous). Dom and Kel both blushed furiously.

"Why is my sergeant making out with my past squire?" asked Raoul with a wide grin. He pretended to look furious, but it didn't work. "You two _should_ be in the kissing contest."

Kel smiled a wicked smile. "No _My Lord_, I don't even want to try, seeing that you and Burri signed up." Kel picked up the sheet to point out their names on it. This time it was Raoul's time to blush. Neal looked depressed obviously thinking about his Yuki away in the islands.

"And anyway, Kel and I can't sign up for that. We aren't even courting." Dom pointed out. Kel nodded in agreement.

"Well if Kel doesn't want to do it with Dom, I'll volunteer." Cleon shrugged with an innocent face.

Kel could see Dom's face go red in protectiveness. Kel gaped at her past crush. "Cleon you're married!" she said quite surprised.

"Oh yeah." Kel shook her head in disbelief.

"Listen guys. If Kel and Dom don't want to do it, they don't have to." Owen pointed out. "Even though it would be quite jolly if they did." His mouthed curved to a wicked smile.

"Who else is signing up for Balors Needle skydiving?" Merric asked changing such an uncomfortable subject. "I know I am." The rest of them looked at him in awe.

Tobe suddenly came through the tall crowd and walked towards the sheet for skydiving. "I will."

"Tobe!" Kel gasped.

"What? You may not have noticed m'lady, but I've always enjoyed the sport of jumping off of things to your doom." Tobe pointed out innocently. Kel looked at him amazed

"Well then I'm signing up for the opsticle course." Kel said signing her name on a different sheet of paper.

OOO

Okay this is who signed up with what:

Balor's needle skydiving: Merric, Tobe, Myles, and Coram.

Longest kiss: Jonathan and Thayet, Alanna and George, Raoul and Burri, and Numair and Daine.

Bear wrestling: Neal (hee hee. You can only imagine), Alanna, Owen, and some random guy.

Obstacle course: Kel, Faleron, and Alanna.

Pie eating: Alanna vs. Neal, Jonathan vs. George, and Faleron vs. Some fat guy.

OOO

"Welcome to the Tortal Olympics!" boomed a strong voice. He was standing on a large stage with a podium in front of him. Behind him was a large table with five people sitting behind it. His amplified voice spread throughout the entire stadium. It seemed like the whole city was there to watch.

The man who was talking waited for the cheers and girlie court girl screams to die down before continuing. "My name is Barney George. And I will be your announcer for tonight! Behind me are the five judges." Barney waved his hand towards the table where the judges smiled and waved.

Once again Barney waited for the cheers to die down. "On the far right is Eddy of Llamaland." Eddy stood up nearly tripping on his chair as he smiled and waved. You couldn't quite tell what his hair color was. It was a cross between a dark redish orange and brownish blonde. His hair was long, but was tied back.

"Next to him is Slimon of Slimerton. He has an attitude and rarely compliments anyone. Especially if he judges singing." Slimy stood up with the introduction from Barney. He put a scowl on his face when all he got was booes from the crowd. A lone tomato was thrown on the table. On it was a tag that said 'You Suck' on it.

"In the middle. Is the amazing mage, back from the dead, Thom of Trebond!" There were gasps and screams from many of the people. The skinny albino white man stood up. He was so frail and weak that he looked worse then when he died. In fact when he stood up, his hand fell off with a random plop. He looked down at his fallen limb and shrugged.

"Down the line is the beautiful spy who isn't supposed to be here right now, Aly!" There were cheers from the crowds as Aly stood up and waved. A man with black hair and a cunning grin yelled 'I love you Aly!' From the front row. Aly waved at Nawat and blew him a kiss.

There was a cheer of delight many rows up where Neal was sitting. "I love you Aly! Your eyebrows are sexy!" Kel, who was sitting next to him gasped and slapped him.

"Nealan of Queenscove! I am warning your wife when she gets back from the islands!" Kel said furious. Neal slumped and murmured an apology knowing that he was going to once again be hit on the head with Yuki's deadly fan.

"Okay then." Barney said as the crowd still cheered. "Everyone one! Shut up your pipes or I will end the Olympics!" Barney threatened. The crowd grew as silent as a graveyard. "Okay. On the far left, and the last judge, is Lady Shi-Shinkok-Shin." The man paused trying to figure out the complex name. "Everybody give a hand to this Lady from the Yamani islands!"

There were cheers and a big applause. "Just call me Shinko!" Shinko yelled at Barney with no emotion. Barney nodded.

"Let the events begin!" Barney yelled. There was high tech sporty music that came out of no where. And for some reason it reminded Kel of hockey.

"Hey Neal, what's hockey?" Kel asked in Neal's ear while they applauded. Neal shrugged. Kel passed the feeling out of her head and cheered with the other people.

"Our first event is Balors Needle Skydiving!" Barney announced. "And since Balors needle isn't in the stadium. We will watch it from this gigantic TV thing. Let's bring it to Snape live at Balors needle with the contestants. Hi Snape!"

Everyone looked at the giant screen where there was a scary man with hair that hadn't been washed in what seemed like years. "Hi Barney. I'm hear at Balors needle as our fist contestant Merric is climbing up the old unsafe tower." Soon enough the people sitting in the stands could see Merric standing on top of the very tall tower. Suddenly he jumped of his arms and legs spread out to catch the air. When he was about a quarter down, he pulled out a high tech parachute that made him swoop up in the air then land softly down.

Everyone in the stands cheered. And there was a sigh of relief from Kel.

"Let's see what the judges thought of that jump." Said Barney turning towards the table. "Eddy what do you think. Give us your comments then rate them from one to ten. Ten being the best."

Eddy sat there thinking. "Er…I liked his form and stuff. So I guess I'll give him a eleven." (A/N: yes I put 'a eleven' cause Eddy is supposed to be stupid.)

Barney stared at him for a second then chuckled. "Uh, Eddy it only goes to ten."

"Oh yeah. Uh I'll give him a seven." Eddy said.

Barney nodded then looked at Slimy for his comments.

"I thought that was absolutely dreadful. It's sickening to even witness such rubbish. I give him a one." Slimon said Slimily.

The crowd booed and yelled at the rude judge. Kel and her friends yelled a colorful string of unique curses at the judge. Even though they would love to be shared, they couldn't be for they are too inapropriate for mortal ears. Nor would anyone want to be scarred with such-nonsense.

The other judges went giving nice compliments and constructive crtisism to Merric. Shinko gave him a seven, Thom a nine, and Aly gave him an eight.

"So the total comes to thirty-two. Let's see if any of the other contestants do better."

Next came Tobe. He was announced by Snape, then he jumped off gracefully. He did an assortment of turns and flips that made him more graceful then a swan. Kel, who was tense when he jumped off loosened as he began to flow with the air. When he was two-thirds to the ground, he pulled his parachute out and swooped up then down to the ground. Everyone cheered and chanted his name.

"I've never seen such a beautiful dive." Shinko complemented tears springing to her eyes. She wiped them away. "I'm sorry to show such emotion. How rude am I. I give him a ten."

"Tobe, that was wonderful. Even though I've never known you, I was surprised to see such bravery and grace in such a small body. I give you a nine." Aly said. She flipped her strawberry blonde hair away from her eyes. Several boys fainted in admiration. No one of them wasn't Neal. He is married. How could someone think such nonsense!

"That was pretty good." Said the weak Thom. "It reminds me of myself when I was just a lad. I'll give you a ten."

"Der…I like the number seven." Said Eddy as he searched for something foreign in his ear.

"That was okay. I guess, but it still needs a lot of improvement. Five." Said Slimon.

"Okay that comes down to forty one. Sorry Merric, it looks like Tobe got you." Barney said to the screen. They all saw Merric shrug.

Next was the very old Myles. No one really knew why he tried out for such an athletic category. Unfortunately when Myles was climbing the stairs, he threw out his back and was disqualified.

The last contestant was the gruff soldier Coram. He jumped off like Merric and opened his parachute when he was about twenty feet away from the ground. His swoop up wasn't as high because of the air, but he landed safely on the ground.

Shinko gave him a nine, Aly a seven, Eddy a seven, Thom a ten, and Slimon a three. Out of all of the contestants, Tobe got first, Coram second, and an embarrassed Merric third. Everyone was happy and they continued on with the next event. (A/N: Yes this is going to be a very long chapter. Deal with it.)

"The next event is longest kiss!" boomed Barney with a grin. There were whistles from the crowd. "The first two who are competing today are King Jonathan and Thayet.

Everyone screamed and howled as the couple went towards the large stage. Well almost everyone did except for a large group of protesters striking against the King. Unfortunately, the protesters were thrown out of the Olympics and the leader of the group, Emmy, was banned from the palace for a week. But Emmy swore that she would never be silenced, and would one day kill the king.

"Okay then. On the count of three, you will start highnesses. Ready? One Two Three…" Barney said.

OOO

Fifteen minutes later…

OOO

Jonathan and Thayet ended. Their faces were flushed and everyone was cheering. Jonathan smiled his evil captivating smile and looked at the judges for their scores.

"That was really nasty. I'm sorry but…eww." Aly boldly said. Jonathan glared at her, but the stubborn girl didn't step down. Far off in the stands, Aly's mother Alanna smiled proudly. "I give you a six."

"I think it's beautiful, but your form isn't well, appropriate. I'll give you a seven." Shinko said. No hint of emotion seeped out of her calm face.

"Does any person have a toenail clipper?" Eddy asked. "Oh yeah. Er…seven."

"Well, since I don't want to get sued by the King, I'll give you an eight." Thom said. His nose began to slide off as he spoke until it plopped on the table. "Ahb by Noeb!" He quickly reached for it, but found that his other hand had fallen off as well. He put his arm down and just sat there.

"That was just plain stupid. And you have no right to rule as king." Slimon said disgusted. "I pity you. And I give you a one." Emmy was proud of Sim—I mean Slimon.

"Well then, the final score is twenty-nine." Barney announced. He could see the King's temper mount. "The next two contestants are Alanna and George."

Everyone chanted the Lioness's name as Alanna and George headed towards the stage. When they arrived and Barney counted off, they held each other in a deep kiss. Venturing toungs and hands (not that way!) were involved. The crowd began to whistle and cheer them on. Kel noticed that Aly closed her eyes not wanting to see her parents kiss right in front of her.

When Kel looked at Neal's sad face, she put her hand on his shoulder to comfort him. When he looked into her eyes he smiled. "I just miss her a lot." He said at Kel's pondering face. Kel smiled back. Dom, who was sitting next to Kel, tapped Kel's shoulder.

Kel turned around staring into deep blue eyes. "Maybe we _should _have signed up." He whispered into her ear. Kel shivered in agreement as Dom lowered his head and kissed her passionately. Kel's stomach did flip-flops as she too kissed him back with as much love as he did. When Neal was going to talk to Kel about something and saw his cousin making out with his best friend, he smiled.

It was just too cute, Neal thought. And then they can get married and we can be related! Neal's thoughts were cut off as he remembered about Alanna and George.

It had been ten minutes and they still didn't cut off except for air. And when Neal looked over to Kel, he found that they were _still _kissing. "Maybe you guys actually _should've_ signed up." Neal said to them. Kel and Dom broke apart quickly. Kel could feel a blush creep up her face that not even the toughest of Yamani masks could break.

"Yeah. Maybe we should've." Kel said to the surprised Neal.

There was an unexpected voice from behind Neal. They didn't realize that Cleon was sitting behind them. "You could always give me a try Kel." He said. Before Kel could protest, Cleon thrust Kel's face to his and kissed her hard and sweetly. All the longing that built up over the years was poured into that single kiss. Kel didn't kiss him back, but instead felt her lips begin to bruise.

After Kel was over the bewilderment of being kissed by her ex, she pushed him away. "Why did you do that Cleon? Your married and you know that I don't love you any more."

Dom put a protective arm around _his_ Kel and threw a warning glare at Cleon. Neal was red with fury.

"How could you disobey your own wife?" Neal asked bewildered. "Kel should have the right to put you in front of the Great Mother Goddess herself." Cleon looked down ashamed of himself.

"I'm really sorry Kel. It's just that I can't stand you and Dom together because it was supposed to be me there. Not _him_." Cleon glared at Dom in pure hate. Dome's grip around Kel only tightened. He also glared at Cleon.

Kel felt uncomfortable about being the meaning of the fight. She wriggled her way out of Dom's grasp. "Listen you guys, if you can't find a resolution to this problem, then I will be no one's." She felt tears well up in her eyes to not be loved anymore, but quickly shot them back. "I want you two to solve this out, and when you have found an agreement, Neal will come and find me." And with that Kel walked away from the surprised group of friends to look for someone else to sit with.

"Now look what you did you stupid oaf!" Neal whispered angrily to Cleon. Dom also glared at the tall man. "You've broken Kel's love for Dom, and you made us distracted from the event!"

Cleon looked down ashamed.

OOO

Alanna's score was forty and they kissed for twenty long boring minutes. The next people were Raoul and Burri. Everyone cheered them on as they came up to the stage. When Barney counted them off, they began. Obviously.

Kel was sitting silently watching them in the front row. She was sitting by Faleron, Duke Baird, and Merric. When Faleron asked what was wrong, she just looked away.

"You wish you signed up didn't you." Faleron accused. When Kel shook her head he began to get more confused.

"Quite the opposite." She said her face as calm as ever. In the inside though, she felt like crying one thousand rivers. A knot formed in her throat.

"Does it have to do with that crazy son of mine?" Duke Baird asked with a kind smile. Kel also smiled at this, but shook her head. Neal didn't even start it for once.

"He was the one who was trying to stop it." Kel said. Duke Baird raised his eyebrows at that.

Merric's patience was growing thin. "Listen Kel, we're your friends. You can tell us stuff." He said. He put his hand on Kel's shoulder in comfort. Kel's hazel eyes looked deep into Merric's. She nodded.

"Well you see, Dom and I were." Kel held down a blush. "Kinda kissing, and Neal said that we should've signed up for the contest. Then Cleon said that he could take Dom's place and then he kissed me." Kel shook her head. "When I pushed him away Neal and Dom were mad at him for disobeying his wife. And when Dom tried to protect me from him, he got madder and said that it was supposed to be him and me. I knew that Dom was getting angrier so I told both of them that if they couldn't solve the problem, that no one could have me." To Kel's dismay, she noticed a tear run down her cheek.

Faleron brushed it away kindly and hugged her tight. "It's okay Kel. Knowing that Neal is there with them, they'll probably get it solved in no time." That brought a smile to Kel's face. She hugged Faleron back and received a comforting grip on her shoulder from Merric. Then feeling too girlie, she quickly brushed them off and laughed.

"Hi guys! Isn't this jolly! The first ever Olympics!" said Owen. He sat down behind Merric. Kel and her friends greeted him and began to fool around like their normal selves.

Raoul and Burri's score was a thirty-eight and they held it for twenty-two minutes.

The next and last couple was Daine and Numair. They came to the stage followed by many cheers and hoots. When they started to kiss everyone screamed and cheered louder. Everyone in the city thought that Daine and Numair together was strange yet cute.

Kel leaned on the railing that separated her from the grounds and watched her friends kiss. But she couldn't think straight; the only thing she saw was Dom. Her and Dom up there kissing instead of them.

Little did she know that Dom was seeing the exact same thing.

A touch on Kel's shoulder brought her out of her romantic reverie. She looked up to see the emerald eyes of Neal staring at her. Kel smiled at her best friend.

"Hey Neal." Kel greeted. She patted and empty seat next to her. Neal sat down.

They both sat in peaceful silence watching the romantic sight.

"I still think he's too old for her." Neal retorted. "She deserves someone better. Even if they are married."

Kel smiled remembering when Neal had a crush on the Wild Mage. He even attempted poetry, which had slowly been getting worse over the years.

"Neal, don't say that." Warned his father. "Numair is a respectable man and they both love each other."

"Yes father." Neal breathed out.

"So is the problem solved?" Kel asked changing the subject.

"Well yes, kinda." Neal answered hesitantly.

"Neal what's wrong?" Kel asked growing nervous at Neal's uncertain face

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Bwa hahahahahah! I'm sorry I would've finished it, it's just getting too long so the next chapter will continue this.

Heeheehee I have something big up my sleeve. Even though I don't know what it is…

-Heartdamoose

Don't forget to review!

Re-disclaimer: Okay anything that you recognize from the TP books, belongs to TP. Snape goes to JK, and I don't own Slimon.

I don't own Eddy, my friend does.

Cleon is a butt…


	4. A Slight Twist Part 2

Hello Everyone! I still feel very evil for leaving a cliffhanger. Bwahahahaha! I still haven't really planned out this chapter yet, so I'll just go with the flow. I guess I better start, before you die of anticipation. Here we are! The rest of the story!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"It's a long story." Neal said sadly.

"Neal, I was only gone for ten minutes, it couldn't have been _that_ long." Kel retorted, she tried to hide the feeling that something wrong just happened.

Neal sighed knowing that he'd have to spit it out eventually. "Well once you left, Cleon started feeling really bad. But he was still pissed off at Dom. So Cleon made a deal. They would flip a coin for you Cleon being heads, and Dom being tales. Dom and I tried to stop him saying that it was wrong, and that _you _should choose who you like better, but Cleon kept on taunting Dom into doing it. Then the fat oaf threatened me to not interfere or he'll kill me. Like he could. I mean look at this tough muscles—."

"Neal come on back to the story." Kel said anxiously. She knew what was coming next, and she didn't like it.

"Well when Cleon threw the coin, it landed on heads." Neal looked down disgusted. "I can't believe him." But anger was soon replaced with sorrow for his best friend. "Kel I'm so sorry, but a deal is a deal."

Even though Kel knew this would happen, she was shocked to find that it was true. It made her sick for Cleon to do such a thing. He was married! The goddess herself should strike him with light—

All of a sudden, a giant dark cloud came over the arena and a giant strike of thunder hit the bleachers high up in the stands. Kel smiled to herself and ran up towards the stand that was struck hoping that a certain someone was barbecued.

When Kel came to the stands where Dom and Cleon were, she found to her surprise, that Cleon was burnt to a crisp and wasn't moving. Or breathing. Thank you goddess. Kel thought happily as the storm faded away. The many screams that were produced during the strike turned into cheers of sheer joy as they noticed that the red head was gone. Daine and Numair, who stopped kissing when the storm began, jumped up and down happily.

"Dom! We can be together again!" Kel screamed to her friend and now lover. She ran over, making sure that she stepped on Cleon's body in the process, and hugged him tight. Dom kissed her forehead and hugged back. Before they knew it, they were kissing fiercely and the crowd was hooting and cheering.

Neal who arrived right after they started kissing was stunned and smiled the happiest smile of his life. Alas Cleon is dead, my cousin and friend are making out, and I have more good looks then any one around here. Neal soon gulped as he realized that he was going to wrestle a bear. What was he thinking? Nonsense I'm sure.

"Okay guys back to your seats. And you two lovers up there, this is a PG-13 fic so stop it!" Barney yelled to the crowd. Kel and Dom let go of each other guiltily and sat down. Cleon, well what was left of him, was carried away to traitor's hill. "The winners of the kissing contest are Alanna and George. That was very—exciting. The next event is bear wrestling! The first contestant is none other then Nealan of Queenscove!"

Nealan gulped as he walked down to the stage. After he noticed that the crowd was cheering him on, and that many people were chanting his name, he began to relax. Well, relax as much as you could when you are about to wrestle a bear. I hope this won't ruin my good looks, Neal thought to himself glumly.

Kel, Dom, and the rest of Neal's many friends cheered him on the loudest. When he finally arrived at the stage, there was a giant mat awaiting him. He stood on it and awaited his challenge. Kel and Dom quickly rushed down to the first row to see better. Kel sat in between Faleron and Dom. (A/N: You know I should write a kf.)

Suddenly a giant black bear popped out of no where, and the corny dance music turned on as the match began.

Neal knew he wasn't much of a wrestler, but he thought he could go for it. He lunged with a snarl and jumped on the big bears back. The bear tried to slash at his back with no results of hitting the handsome Neal. Neal hung on for his life and bit the bear's ear.

Everyone began to scream as the bear growled in pain. Great it only made him angrier, Neal thought. He was soaked in sweat and was starting to breathe heavily.

"GIVE HIM THE CHAIR!" Kel yelled as loud as she could to Neal. Neal smiled at his friend and picked up a metal chair that was on the stage. He banged the chair on the bear's head making the bear fall to the ground. (A/N: Let's pretend that Daine a Numair left. I can't even imagine what Daine would do just then.)

Neal body slammed him and grabbed the bear's leg pulling it up to the bear's large head. The bear thrashed like a baby having a tantrum. A random guy dressed in a ref's outfit came onto the mat and counted to five. He declared Neal the winner and held up Neal's right hand in victory. Neal smiled at the cheering crowd. He looked at a happy Kel and winked at her.

"That was wonderful, Neal. Great form. You didn't even give the bear a chance. I'll give you a nine." Said Shinko. She smiled happily at him not caring if she showed emotion.

"Yes, I too enjoyed the fight, Neal. A ten is suitable for you." Aly said as the crowd cheered at the high score.

"Fuzzy bear! Oh! Seven." Eddy said now looking in between his toes to add alien objects to his collection.

Thom held up the number eight on a card and gave Neal a thumb up. Alas, poor Thom's mouth had also fallen off onto the table where his other rotting limbs lay.

"That was an embarrassment to all wrestlers." Slimon spat. "The chair idea was absolutely horrific. Three."

Neal's anger at the man made his face red. "Oh yeah? You only say that because you think you can do better! Well, I pity you. Burn with one thousand sons you bastard!" The crowd oooed and awwed at what Neal said. Duke Baird shook his head as if to rid himself of his son.

"Everyone tells me that everyday." Slimon said simply. "I've grown used to it. Insults to me are pointless."

Neal stalked off without even knowing his score. Which was a thirty-seven. He sat down with Kel and his other friends cooling off and healing a couple bruises that he had earned.

"The next person is Alanna the Lioness herself." Barney announced as everyone cheered on their hero. A group of people held up signs that when they turned them over showed Alanna on it.

Alanna stepped out on the mat preparing herself for the fight. Soon enough, she was off.

OOO

Alanna walked away with a forty-two. And Owen, who was suddenly "sick" (he wussed out) couldn't wrestle. The last person was a random guy who no one really knew.

The guy walked up on the mat and awaited his challenge with out even stretching out. That wasn't a good idea. The vicious bear, who was fed up with people beating on him, was meaner then ever and put up a fight.

Eventually the bear swiped the man down and ate him. Everyone gasped and turned their heads away from the bloody sight. A few people ran out of the stadium for personal comfort.

OOO

An hour later they had the bloody mess cleaned up, and decided to scratch bear wrestling from the list for next years Olympics. The people were much calmer when they heard the news. Neal himself bragged about how he won a bear fight the whole time that they stalled. Even though the Lioness won.

The next event was the obstacle course. It would be judged on quickness, not style, so the judges had a short coffee break. The obstacle course was very complex. First, you would swim in shark infested waters until you get to the other side. Then, you would climb up a very tall wall (To Kel's joy) and jump into a large container full of foamy cubes. Once you climb out you would monkey bar over a cobra pit. Last, they had to crawl through a tube and to the finish line.

It was a tough competition with Kel, the Lioness, and Faleron. Everyone was sure that the Lioness was going to win. She was well known for her speed.

When the whistle was blown, the trio started at a sprint and dived quickly into the water. Kel had an advantage. She was used to swimming in the river at Mindelan and would sometimes encounter vicious fish while in the water. So far the sharks hadn't bugged her. She knew for a fact, that Alanna was never a good swimmer and that she had a large fear of drowning. Faleron she wasn't sure about.

Kel noticed that she was in the lead, but she didn't dare look back at the others to see where they were. Everytime she bobbed her head out of the water, she heard the crowd cheering them on. Suddenly, a jolt of pain crept up her leg as a small shark bit her. Pretending there was no wound; she trudged on knowing the shark would let go. It did. She could feel herself bleed and knew that there would be a trail of blood behind her.

When she popped out of the water, she ran on. She was thankful that the cold water numbed almost all the pain. She was loosing blood, but not too quickly. Kel wanted to hurry though. Just in case. She heard Faleron jump out of the water as she started to climb the tall wall.

This was her disadvantage. She climbed on oblivion to where she was or what was happening. All she foccused on was the top only about ten feet ahead of her. Kel saw a hand in the side of her vision and went faster, but keeping her cool at the same time. When she was at last at the top, Faleron was only half a foot behind. Kel quickly jumped down not caring if the pit was twenty feet below her. When at last she landed in the softness of the "tank" Faleron and her were completely tied.

Kel continued to persist even though the large cubes made it hard to move in. She also saw Faleron have some troubles. When at last they got out Faleron was ahead of her.

Monkey bars were her thing though, so she didn't worry. She buzzed down the bars without noticing the snakes hiss, the bite on her leg bled freely. She slowed and jumped landing on one leg, when she finished the bars. She felt herself grow weak from the loss of blood. It was just then that one discovered that the shark infested waters at the beginning was not a good idea.

Faleron was once again catching up to the weak Kel as she ducked through the tube and crawled. She couldn't see Faleron, but she knew that the tube was wide enough for him to pass her.

Moments later he did. When at last they both saw sunlight and crawled out they ran for their lives. Well, not their lives, but you know what one means.

Faleron won by a foot. (Faleron is so hot)

Kel went into darkness as she fainted right after she finished.

OOO(A/N: Wow I didn't mean for it to be so dramatic. I mean really what was I thinking? Chh! Shark infested waters? I'm crazy.)

"Kel can you hear me?" Asked Neal. Kel opened her eyes seeing lots of blurs and colors.

"Yeah." She sat up holding her head.

"You lost a lot of blood. What were you thinking Kel! You should have quite right after you got hurt! You could've died!" Neal yelled furious he put his hands up as if asking 'why me?' to the gods.

Kel looked around. She was in the healer's tent that was set up for the Olympics in case of emergency. The tent was just right next to the gate to the arena. "I'm not a quitter Nealan." She said. Neal, Dom, Faleron, Merric, Owen (who was suddenly better), Duke Baird, George, and an also wounded Alanna surrounded her.

"Mithros Kel you had me worried sick." Dom said. He fell on his knees and went to the side of her bed.

"I'm fine Dom. I've had much worse." Kel said. Her hazel eyes were twinkling. Dom kissed her sweetly as if he would never see her again. He didn't care if it was in front of everyone, he was just too worried.

Just then Raoul walked in. "Sergeant Domitan! Are you making out with my former squire again?" Raoul asked once again trying to be mad. Only a smile came to his face.

"No sir." Dom said innocently when he broke of the kiss.

Kel smiled wickedly and grabbed Dom's confused head. She kissed him sweetly her hands weaving through his hair. Dom's hands went instictively to the Lady Knight's waist.

When they broke it off, Kel said, "_I _was kissing him sir." Raoul shook his head in disbelief and left the tent. He was going to see if she was all right, but she clearly was.

"Enough romance you two." Neal snapped. He checked Kel's leg professionally, which was heavily bandaged. The bleeding had stopped and she was aloud to leave. Everyone had to leave in fact, because they had the pie-eating contest to finish.

OOO

Neal and Alanna were first for the concert. Both of them were starving, so it would be a tough competition. When they were counted off, they both dug into their first pie like hungry lions. Alas, Alanna's nickname was called the Lioness. Neal had finished his first in a matter of seconds. Kel knew he loved his sweets, but he never knew he had the gift of eating quickly. Even though he did show signs when they were training together…

Neal started to slow down when he was on his tenth pie. Alanna was on her eighth. Since they were judging on how many pies you could eat in five minutes, the judges only sat and stared in wonder. Except for Thom who couldn't stare because his head fell off completely. It was just then that Duke Baird noticed that something was wrong and rushed to staple him together.

Neal won by five pies. He once again showed unknown talent. It was the best day of Nealan's simple life. He sat down next to Kel proudly only to be slapped up side the head.

Neal glared at her. "What was that for?" he asked angrily.

"For being an idiot." Kel answered. "I don't want you to be too full of yourself."

Neal sat there sulking for the rest of the Olympics.

The next two people were Jonathan and George. Ohhh this one as going to be good. King against King. They were both lovers for Alanna. They had competition. The protesters that were kicked out yelled insults at the king from outside. Eventually the police arrested them.

"You stole Alanna from me George. She could've been mine." Jonathan said rudely. He was trying to make George mad. Nothing could make the former King of Thieves mad.

"You misunderstood Johnny me-lad. She dumped _you._" The plan backfired at that and made the King of Tortall became angry instead.

Soon they were counted off and they viciously dug into their food. It was twice as worse as Neal when he competed. And Neal noticed.

Soon enough, the competition grew serious as the competitors shot insults in between bites. Neal told Kel that that was bad pie eating form.

The winner was George. (A/N: Would you really think I'd let Jonathan win?) In fact, Jonathan ate himself to death and exploded. Hooray!

The last competition for the Olympics was pie eating with Faleron and a fat guy. The fat guy was so fat, that when he sat down the chair collapsed. They started. The fat guy swallowed the pies whole, Faleron was shocked and noted that the chance of winning the race was very very slim.

The fat guy won by eating all the pies in three minutes. Something was abnormally wrong with him.

With the Olympics over, Kel and her friends walked back to the castle ready for yet another exciting day.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

YES! IT'S OVER! HOORAY! This story was really getting on my nerves. The next chapter I'm going to let you vote on. Just review me and say which idea you want and the winning idea will be the next chapter, or the one after.

One that kills everyone you hate in it and stuff.

A KF (kel/faleron)

A KN

A stupid one with Daine since I haven't done one of those yet

A circle of magic one. I'll have them come to Tortall or something since I've only read the first to books. And it would be funny for them to come to Tortall anyway.

Review please and I'll give you a yummy cookie! You know you want one…

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story…


	5. No One Could've Guessed

Hooray! That was a wonderful vote! I'll show you the counts.

One that kills everyone: zero (go figures)

A K/N: three

A K/F: four

A stupid Daine: zero

Circle of magic: two

HOORAY THE KEL/FALERON ONE IS THE WINNER!!!!

-This is going to brilliant!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Kel had a mission. Not one of the normal missions that she usually had. Running back and forth over the realm was nothing compared to what she was about to do. Not even close.

It had been a secret for years now. Right after the Scanran war. No one but her handler knew of her secret. Not even her parents. Kel was part of the secret service against the king. The secret service was called the AJO. (Anti Jonathan Organization) It was the first time in years that someone stood up for what was right. That such person was none other then George of Pirate's Swoop. In fact, headquarters for the AJO _was _the Pirate's Swoop castle. George had taken many lengths to make sure that no one knew about such organization except for the people who worked there. Not even the civilians of the land had a clue as to what was going on.

Kel was happy to be in such organization against the one she hated most, but it hurt her to lie to her friends when they asked her what was going on. Of course they suspected, but she never said a word. She now thanked the people who trained her at the Yamani Islands for teaching her to keep her emotions in everyday. Otherwise her friends would have found out a long time ago.

Her best friend Neal however knew her secret. Not because of his slyness and abnormal urges to find out secrets that weren't meant to be told, but because he was Kel's handler. It was a load off of both of them to have someone to talk to about their secrets. It brought them together like brother and sister instead of just best friends.

(A/N: okay enough dramatic talking, let's get to the action. Gods I can ramble on for hours.)

"Kel, come in I have a mission for you. Like I informed you before." George said as he beckoned her into his small yet cozy study.

Kel walked in calmly, but gripped her hands together tightly. She was more nervous then she ever had been before. She had a good guess as to what mission it was, and it didn't look promising. George motioned her to sit on one of the chairs opposite his desk. Kel sat thankful for she had been standing nearly all day.

"This mission will be a tough one. There is no promise that you will come back alive, but it is for the good of Tortall. Your goal is to kill King Jonathan." George said darkly.

Oh gods I'm right. Better start my funeral now, she thought. Fear crept up on her like a stalker would down an alley. But she held it down with the shield of her Yamani mask.

George continued on. "Now as you know, the target is away at his summer home. You will go there disguised, and at night while he is sleeping, you will go into his room and kill him. Sound easy? Think again. There will be countless guards on the alert. However, some of them are loyal to me. You will recognize those people if they have a brown armband on their wrist. Now getting into Jonathan's room will be a bit tougher. He may have protection and sensor spells on, and since he has the gift, he may sense you. Hopefully one of the loyal maids will take care of that with a bit of sleep potion. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir." Kel said standing up. George stood up as well and excused her off to her handler and best friend.

OOO

"What do you mean kill Jonathan?!" yelled Neal flabbergasted. Never before had he heard such nonsense. He threw his hands up in the air. "Why don't you go murder Mithros while you're at it? I'm sure it will be a lot easier!"

"Neal, please calm down." Kel pleaded. Neal looked at her and drooped his shoulders to try and be calm. His face went down a couple shades of red. "I have to do this for the good of Tortall. I'm the only one who fits the job. Neal, I-if I don't come—"

"Kel, you are not going to die you are—"

"Neal, please listen!" Kel urged tears brimming her eyes. She held her head. "Neal. If I don't come back, tell my friends. I don't care if it's against the rules." Kel added at Neal's stare. "I want them to know." It was an effort to speak and her voice was shaky of thinking of leaving Neal and the rest of her good friends forever. All that they went through flashed before her eyes like a memory book. But much more real.

(A/N: Wow this isn't funny is it. Oh well. You can't really make something like this funny without making it stupid.)

Neal hugged Kel tight never wanting to let his best friend go. He would have nightmares while she was away, he was sure of it.

Kel laughed. Why she wasn't sure, but it made her feel better. She wiped her eyes not wanting to be a sissy even though there was a good reason to cry.

Neal reached for something in the pocket of his breeches and produced a light chain. "I want you to have this." Neal told her handing it out.

Kel reached for it and took it from his hands. It was a light chain made of the purest gold she had ever seen. There was a locket in the shape of a circle on it. When she opened it up, there was a portrait of Neal in it. It had all the details from his arched brows, to his stubborn hair.

Kel giggled when she saw it. "You keep this everywhere you go Meathead? Wow, you really are full of yourself."

"No I do not bring it everywhere! Well, kinda, sometimes, okay so what if I do?" Neal said admitingly.

That brought another round of laughs from Kel. "I can't believe you, Neal." She shook her head in disbelief. "I have to go pack. I'm leaving in an hour."

"YOU'RE LEAVING IN A? KEL I CAN'T BELIVE—WHAT WERE THEY—HOW COULD THEY—DAH! Kel you CANNOT leave in an hour!" Neal yelled sadder then outraged. It was just his way of expressing such feelings.

"I have to Neal." Kel said calmly. She was by now used to such outbursts. She turned away. "Good-bye Neal."

OOO (A/N: Okay it was a little funny then I guess, but now it's just turning sad. THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A SAD FIC! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!)

Kel had been on the road for a week. Nothing eventful had happened, but that was a sweet and bitter victory. Her fingers itched for danger even though she knew that when she arrived at the summer castle that the adventure there would substitute this week three times over. Her trusty steed Peachblossom also stamped his feet impatiently. Now more then ever he wanted a certain green-eyed healer to nip at. (AKA Neal if your stupid and didn't know who I was talking about.)

At last they arrived a little while away from the large castle. They hid in the thick forest just yards away from a good part of the palace wall to sneak over. But part of her was doubtful.

How in the name of Mithros am I going to sneak in much less find out where Jonathan's rooms are? She asked herself as she poked at a smokeless, small fire that she made. More then ever she needed Neal to cheer her up. It wasn't the first time she wished she had wild magic as well. It sure would come in use in such times.

She sighed to herself knowing that this was the only way. I better strike tonight. I do _not _want to spend a lot of time here. At the midnight bell would be best.

The night was well dark when she began to grow bored of staring at the fire. She picked up her beloved glaive and began some practice dances to pass the time.

She heard twelve strokes of the bell a couple of hours later and banked the fire. She prepared Peachblossom for a quick get away by putting all her packs and saddle on her. The large war-horse didn't care a bit about the burden, but instead nudged his master affectionately. She also put on a black tunic and breeches and pulled a black mask over her head that hid everything but her hazel eyes.

"Peachblossom," Romeli started. "I may not come back. I just want to let you know. If I'm not back when the sun starts to rise, run for the nearest town okay?" Peachblossom nipped Kel in understanding.

Kel smiled and walked off towards her positive doom.

The wall was easy. Even though the height made her panic a bit. The guards dozed off and could not wake. Kel thought it was the work of one of the loyal people to George. It _was_ reasonable.

She followed her gut feeling and entered one of the many doors that were on the outside wall. When she opened it she was surprised by what she saw.

Normal castles did not have maps like this. Most castles didn't even have maps. The map was large and covered the wall. You could see each room, corridor, and even secret passageways etched into the paper. She spotted a room that said King Jonathan on it on the second floor picture. What was said below shocked her even more.

_This room is occupied by King Jonathan over the summers._

_If you are attempting to kill him, attempts must be made at lunch to dinner. No exceptions._

_There are some traps and stuff in the room that you may want to watch out for._

_We don't want you to get hurt._

_And King Jonathan prefers to be gutted rather then shot by arrow._

_Trust me, I asked him personally._

_The King and I have special connections._

_We like to golf on Thursday mornings._

_I always win._

What in the world was that about? Idiot that wrote that he is, Kel thought as she headed towards the second floor. She clutched her glaive tightly. Gutted he shall. Damn I wish I brought an arrow.

As she rounded a corner, trouble lurked in front of her.

"Oi what are yer doin' 'ere?" A guard asked as he held up his badly made sword.

"I'm here for the King." Kel said praying to the gods that the man approved. She pointed to the glaive to show what she meant.

"You goin' to try an kill the King?" asked the burly man amazed. "That'll never do missie. That would be treason yer doin'."

Oh shit. Just what I need. She held up her glaive as the man ran towards her for an attack. He was obviously not trained well for he swung the blade sloppily and got out of control when he swung too hard.

Kel however blocked each clumsy attack as if she was born to do so. Eventually she found an opening and beheaded the man. It was for his own good, she thought to herself. Excusing the fact that she just killed another Tortallan.

A while and four headless bodies later, Kel had reached Jonathan's room. She crept silently inside thanking Lord Wyldon for his strict training for once. The sleeping King didn't notice at all. Of course that was probably because he was drugged with a heavy sleeping potion.

It's a shame I can't see him in pain, Kel thought uncharacteristically. But she couldn't help but think such dark thoughts when the man who ruined so many people's lives was sleeping right in front of her.

Her Yamani mask swallowed rage down, as she held up her glaive, ready to pounce. Right when she was about to rid the country of its burden forever, an arrow shot through the window and buried itself right into the King's neck. Kel sighed with relief thinking that the arrow was meant for her.

Panic rose through her body as she saw another masked person climb through the window and plop onto the wooden floor. She froze not knowing what to do. Damn it why can't I think of something to do? She was about to attack the other masked man, but something stopped her.

The man also froze when he spotted her. Something about him was familiar.

"Gods! Faleron is that you?" Kel said freaked out by the coincidence.

"Kel?" said Faleron's voice through his black mask. He slipped it off to show his handsome face with dark hair.

She too slipped off her mask showing her grown out hair that went to a little below her shoulders. She tried to fight off rapidly growing blushes. Since when did Faleron look so handsome? Instead of showing her thoughts she asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I was tired of watching the King abuse his people. When Raould said he would be a much better ruler a while ago, I had to take action." He explained with a shrug. He had a slight twinkle in his eyes.

Kel walked over to him. Seeing him up close she noticed tiny gorgeous features that she hadn't noticed before. The way his soft lips always closed with a slight smile, how his brown hair fell into his face naturally, and his nose that was born for him…gorgeous.

"Um, we better go before someone finds us." Kel pointed out. Her voice brought Faleron out of a sudden daydream.

"Huh? Oh, right. Follow me." Faleron said. He grabbed his bow and climbed down the window. Kel gulped and followed.

When a last they made it to the bottom, it was still dark out and Kel's face was rosy from the cold. Or was it a blush? She couldn't help but think of Faleron the whole way down.

They hid in the forest for a while just thinking.

At last Faleron spoke. "I knew you were keeping secrets from us." Faleron started shyly. Gorgeously shy, Kel thought. "Is this it?"

Kel was silent for a minute thinking everything over. "Yes." She finally said. "I have to tell you something. And it hurt me so much to keep this from you and Merric, and everyone, but Neal and me—well we work for the secret service."

Kel waited for a reply from Faleron. His face seemed a little surprised, but he said nothing. Kel continued grateful. If Faleron were Neal, she wouldn't know what to do. "And well the service that we work for is called the AJO, or Anti Jonathan Organization. It is held at Pirate's Swoop and is led by George. I was assigned to assassinate Jonathan." She looked down. "Please don't be mad at me for keeping this from you, but--"

Soft fingers crept under her chin and made her look up into Faleron's kind, smiling face. The smile made her melt uncontrollably. His beautiful brown eyes twinkled in happiness and an emotion she did not recognize on his features. But before Kel could question more, Falerons lips were on her as he kissed her sweetly.

The kiss. It wasn't like the others that she had shared with Cleon. There was so much love and passion. Love that, she guessed, had built up for the years. It now emptied into that very kiss. It made her weak. And she was surprised to find that she was kissing him back.

Faleron was also a bit shocked, but pulled her close knowing that she loved him back. Funny how it took her this long to find out.

Faleron stopped it too soon for Kel, but she did not protest. Instead she looked deep into Faleron's blushing face and smiled.

"I have to get my horse." He told her. "How about we ride back to Pirate's Swoop together. I have nothing better to do, and I'm sure you would want the company. We'll meet here with both of our horses."

Kel nodded and walked off towards Peachblossom.

Soon enough they were on the road both silent as they thought. Kel was the first to speak. "Why did you do that?"

Faleron needed no explaining. He knew exactly what Kel was talking about. "Because I love you, Kel. I've loved you for a long time. Ever since you and Cleon were over, I've felt differently about you. At first I shrugged it off as nothing, but it soon grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore. I swore to myself that I would kiss you the next time I saw you, but when that next time came, I could never get you alone or I was afraid that you wouldn't love me back. And when I saw you back there, I couldn't control my feelings about you anymore. Every time I saw you, laughing with our friends or just alone in a corner, it pained me that you couldn't be mine. And every time I saw a tear roll down your cheek, my heart would break because I couldn't be the one to heal you of your sadness."

"That was quite a speech." Kel pointed out with a kind smile. She thought for a minute thinking everything over and over in her mind. Maybe I—no. I couldn't. Could I? I can, and I do. "I love you too, Faleron. And I can't believe it took me this long for me to figure it out."

Faleron was shocked trying to comprehend what Kel had just said. Finally he smiled his normal happy smile. "I'm glad."

That night they made camp in a small clearing a little ways from the road. And once again Kel had a cold dinner from the lack of fire. Peachblossom and Flaeron's gray mare, Silver huddled close together both having their share of delightful grass.

Kel began to shiver, she was tired and it was an extremely cold night for summer. An arm wrapped around her shoulder, and Kel scooted closer to Faleron for his warmth. Leaning on his chest, she felt him kiss her head making her shiver more. She looked up into Faleron's kind yet dark face and kissed him passionately back.

Neither of them could bear to stop except for air. Faleron let his hand slide up and down her back in comfort as Kel weaved her fingers in between his flowing brown hair. When at last they let go of each other, Kel leaned back on her lover's chest and closed her eyes in tiredness. Faleron also stifled a yawn from staying up last night. He carried his beloved Kel to her bedroll and tucked her in.

He sat there a while just watching her sleep in happiness. A smile was printed across her lips. He smiled as well wanting her locked in that place forever. To rid her of all her worries and have her in peace wherever she was in her dream. He would die for her without question. No matter what would happen to her he would be there forever, never letting go. With these thoughts running through his mind he touched her soft cheek following her jaw-line until he reached her soft lips. Gently brushing his lips against them, he smoothed down her long hair.

He was the happiest he ever was in his life as he walked over to his own bedroll on the other side of the fire. Oh how he wished he could sleep closer next to her. In different bed rolls of course, and a couple feet away, but would still please him. Just to protect her from the evils of the world. But he respected her space and thought against it having Kel come first.

"Fal?" asked Kel tiredly.

"Yes, Kel?" her name on his lips gave him shivers of happiness.

"I'm lonely, can we sleep by each other?"

As the answer to her question, Faleron slid out of his bedroll and set it up a couple feet away from Kel's. He once again climbed back inside. Reaching over to Kel's wondrous face, his lips clung to hers for another long passionate kiss.

"This good?" He asked with a kind, respectful smile. Kel nodded and once again closed her eyes waiting for sleep to come.

Faleron's sleep came quickly as he thought about Kel, and all the things they've been through.

Kel knew this was going to be a wonderful trip back to Pirate's Swoop.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

AAAWWWWWW! Wasn't that just the cutest? I love Faleron. I think he's almost tied with Neal, but Neal comes first in my life. Fal is very close though. I like Faleron's personality. He's respectful, shy, kind, mmmmmmm. Neal's humor beats it all though.

Love Ya Fal!

Yes I know I'm in love with fictional characters. Sue me. You probably are too.

I mean really, who would hate Neal?

I must apologize for it not being a funny one though, but it just didn't work out. Oh well.

Next chapter I promise will be long, tear-jerkingly funny, and sarcastic.

My specialty!

Should I do a sad cry a river chap in this fic?

I HAVE A COUPLE QUESTIONS ABOUT SOME THINGS FROM TP…

-If Duke Baird died (yes I know it's sad) would Neal be duke? (hahahaha that's funny Duke Nealan)

-What does Faleron actually look like? I searched all over the Protector books, and didn't find anything except that he had dark hair. And I haven't read the series in a while so I'm kinda rusty on personalities. Except for Neal's of course. No one can forget his personality. If you tell me what he looks like, and it's different then what I have in this ficcy thing, I'll change it for your sake.

THANK YOU! Read and review! The more you review the more I am convinced to update faster! It's true!

Toodles…

Heartdamoose

Disclaimer: I did make up the guards, but Tamora will take all the credit. I don't own anything...weeps over loss lol!


	6. The Sleepover

Hooray another chapter! I hope you guys like this one! It's gonna be funny, sarcastic, you know, all the things I'm good at! Now get reading fools! Lol.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

In a world not our own, there was a tall palace in the land called Tortall. The palace was large with many pretty windows and flowers. Even though the palace was ruled by the most rude ruler of them all, everyone loved his home. Well, except for a certain emerald-eyed knight in training.

Neal was abnormally bored, for there was nothing to do. He had already finished writing his poetry, reading How to flirt with a Court Girl, and his daily facial exercises.

All of a sudden, an idea popped into his poetic mind. I'll have a sleepover!

Neal quickly rushed to his desk to write down the names of people he wanted to invite to such an event. When he had finished he came up with inviting himself, Faleron, Merric, Kel (got to invite your crush don't you?), Owen, Raould, Cleon (don't ask why), Betty sue, Marry lou, and Patty. Now where should I host my sleepover? He thought tapping his pen on his chin and managing to soil his clothes in ink. "Shit. I really didn't need that right now."

When he had changed his clothes moments later, another idea popped into his mind. This was indeed a good thinking day for Neal. I'll have my party at the Don't Enter or You'll Die Haunted House! I'm brilliant! And I'll even right out the invites in poem!

He rushed to get more paper.

OOO

A letter was awaiting Kel when she entered her room. She quickly came over to see if it was from a certain green-eyed crush of hers. It was to Kel's joy. She read the letter quickly.

You're invited to a wonderful sleepover event, yes that's what I meant!

Come to the Don't Enter or You'll Die Haunted house, and we can look for a mouse!

Tonight after dinner is when you should arrive, don't worry you'll survive.

(Man Neal's poetry gets worse by the day, Kel thought with a smile.)

Bring a bedroll and a change of clothes, and maybe a couple bows. (A/N: as in the fighting bow.)

Well that's all I have to say I hope that you have a good day.

From the gifted Neal, who just ate a banana peel.

What in the world? She thought with a laugh. Shaking her head she set the letter down on her desk. Oh I'll come all right.

OOO

Faleron, Merric, Owen, and Raould all crowded into Merric's room once they all read the invitation.

"You know this is a set up for Neal to just be with Kel right?" Merric pointed out to them all. Everyone nodded. "Well we all know that Neal is too shy to make the first move, and Kel is too shy as well. They aren't going to get together if they keep on being so silly like that."

"So why don't we speed up the process?" Raould recommended simply.

A wicked smile grew on everyone's faces.

"Okay here's what we need," Faleron said. They all huddled together and talked quietly even though the door was locked and the walls were thick.

OOO (A/N: Just in case your wondering, Betty sue, Marry lou, and Patty are all court girls that are total jerks. I just put them in there to kill them off. Oops! You didn't just read that! Merric has a crush on Betty sue, Faleron and Marry lou, and Patty has a crush on Owen. Neal has a crush on Kel, and Kel has a crush on Neal.)

The Sleepover Night

Neal had already been at the house to tidy up a few things and put out the snacks, and now it was time for his guests to arrive. A knock on the door brought him out of his heroic battle against a stubborn cobweb and to the door.

"Oh hello everyone," Neal greeted as he beckoned them in. Faleron, Kel, Merric, Owen, and Raould all came in gratefully. Even though it was the middle of summer and all the plants were dying from heat, it was cold outside.

"Well let's see, you can set your crap in the corner over there," he offered pointing to a clean corner in the large room. The house itself was pretty simple. The room that had the front door was large and clean. The to the right was another door that led to the also clean privy and dressing room. The door that was straight ahead held the snacks. There was also a door to the left that had a small room with only a bed in it. There was also an upstairs, but no one ever came back from the upstairs alive. People said it was haunted, and they were probably right. Neal however didn't know, for he never even thought of doing such an idiotic task.

Everyone put their bedrolls and other belongings in the recommended corner and just stood talking. Neal couldn't help but look at Kel. She was dressed in a wonderful emerald green gown that fit her perfectly. It was obviously made by Lalasa from the form. It was a simple dress that went tight to her form yet was very comfy. The neckline was low to Neal's joy.

Another knock on the door made him peel his eyes away from her and go to the door. He let in Marry lou, Betty sue, and Patty. They smirked at Kel when she looked at them.

"Neal why did you invite them?" Kel hissed at her crush so only he could hear.

Neal smiled his catching half-smile. "Because they have a crush on some of our friends my lady. And it just so happens that they also like them."

"They're crazy then," she said louder this time. She then added more quietly, "and don't call me a lady."

"Hey where's Cleon? Did you invite him Neal?" Owen asked looking around. It was actually quite obvious that the idiot of a stupid person was not in the room however. No one could miss his carrot top head or big body.

"Yeah I did. But now that you think of it, I don't know why. Maybe I was mentally ill or something," Neal informed simply.

"Your always mentally ill, Neal," Kel retorted. She ducked a swipe from the host.

Neal turned his attention everyone. "Right well, I was thinking that we could start with a couple party games." Everyone nodded in agreement. "So did anyone bring an empty bottle?"

"I did!" Owen said as he rushed to his things. It must have been a coincidence for no one deliberately puts an empty bottle with their things. Unless that someone wanted to play spin the bottle. "This is so jolly everyone! You know, we being all alone in this haunted place and kissing." He skipped around the room, empty bottle in hand and began to sing about how much he loves the word jolly.

"Okay let's all get in a circle then," purred Patty. They did so. Everyone shifted so that the only place open for Kel to sit was next to Neal. She knew what they were up to and glared at them. Her friends pretended not to notice.

"I'll go first," Faleron said daringly. He spun the bottle with a strong hand. Unfortunately his strength was too much for the bottle, and it didn't stop for a couple of long minutes.

"Oi, Fal. Could you spin it any harder?" Merric asked with an impatient growl. "I mean your strong and all, but you don't need to show it off." Faleron just shrugged.

When it did stop it landed on Neal. (A/N: OMG I'm so evil!)

"Er," Faleron said hesitantly. "Can we start it over?"

"Yes! Please?!" Neal cried with a beg.

Kel laughed. "No way guys. If Fal spins again it will be midnight before it stops." Faleron glared. Everyone laughed wickedly and coaxed them to do it.

Faleron sighed. "Let's just get this over with, Neal." (A/N: OMG the two hottest guys in the world are going to kiss each other! This is so sexy!)

"I see you made the first move Fal," Neal drawled with an evil smile. Faleron glared daggers at his friend. "Oh all right," Neal grumbled. They both kissed each other and wiped off their mouths. Neal was close to gagging.

"Oh please, Neal. Stop being a baby!" Merric said.

"And for such a remark, I nominate you to go next Merric." Neal said grabbing a cup of water that was ironically next to him. Merric sighed and spun the bottle. After a few seconds it stopped, for Merric wasn't nearly as buff or attractive as Faleron. Nor did he have a six pack, which is a major minus on the ratings of Court Girl Magazine. Anywho, it landed on Betty sue.

Merric tried to fight down blushes, and failed completely. It was then that Kel noticed that he would never make a good Yamani.

Betty smiled shyly. They both leaned forward and kissed each other. When they finished seconds later, they didn't bother wiping their mouths off. Everyone cheered.

"So who should go next?" Merric asked. "How about you Kel?" All of her friends looked at each other. Well except for Neal, who had no idea what the crap was going on.

Kel spun the bottle with a shaky hand. Please be Neal, please be Neal, please be Neal, was all that chanted through her mind.

She nearly fainted when it landed in front of Neal himself. Neal himself looked like he was in a coma, if such a thing existed back then.

"Well go on then," urged Raould. He couldn't help but smile.

Kel looked at Neal. Big mistake, his beautiful green eyes were twinkling and his half-smile was a little more breathtaking then normal. Both of them leaned over and kissed not wanting to stop. Neal's adventurous tongue lingered with her own, and his lips caressed hers with an unimaginable softness. She couldn't hear her friends hoot and cheer.

When at last they stopped, she was gasping for air, and flushed. Neal didn't look much better.

"So you two _do _like each other?" Owen demanded.

"Who said we liked each other?" Neal asked. Everyone in the room including him knew that they did however.

Faleron shrugged. "Who's going to go next Kel?"

"Ummmm. How about Raould?" She asked looking over at him. He smiled and spun the bottle.

Score one for the Trickster god. It landed on Kel. Kel promised she would beat up the stupid god when she was done with this. She had no urge to kiss the prince. "Well let's get this over with," Kel said simply. They both leaned in and kissed each other. It more of a peck then a kiss really. Their lips barely even touched. Neal looked like he was going to faint in jealousy.

A couple more spins later, a knock on the door made them jump to their feet.

"I'll get it," Neal said walking over like the proud noble man he was. The door opened to a really tall clumsy guy with flaming red hair.

"Hello Neal," he spat as he strode through the door. "I hope you don't mind that I was late. Not that I care about your feelings of course."

"No I don't mind," Neal answered through clenched teeth. If you weren't in your right mind, you could see smoke pour out of Neal's head.

"Good." He turned to the rest of the people and stared at Kel. "Kel! My natatorium of amaranthine delectation. Oh how you proceed to make me blithesome! I hope your childish think-box doesn't mind my circuitous words. Not that I care of course. I hope you love me, and I don't care if in the future I am forced to get married. I'll just two-time her with you."

Wow, was all that Kel could think. That was more then a mouthful to understand. Not the vocabulary that doesn't make sense in the sentence, 'My natatorium of amaranthine delectation' didn't make sense at all, but the fact that he could be so ignorant. It made her really pissed.

"Hey Cleon, I have a present for you, but it's upstairs. Maybe you want to go get it?" Kel asked trying to hide an evil grin. Neal had to leave the room to stop laughing, and Raould's shoulders were shaking in hidden giggles.

"Ok." Cleon said with his evil smile. He must have no idea this house is haunted. The big oaf walked up the stairs.

"Anyone want to order pizza?" Neal asked when he returned.

"What's pizza?" Owen asked with a frown. "It sounds good. I hope it has cheese on it. You may not have noticed, but I just love cheese. It tastes so—jolly."

"You make me feel old," Neal grumbled trying to be a soulless warrior. Unfortunately he wasn't the best of actors. "Pizza is this yummy stuff that the Marilugi's (A/N: New land and people type dudes.) Eat a lot. It's cooked bread with tomato sauce and cheese on it. It's really greasy, but it tastes good."

Everyone thought it over and decided to taste this so called pizza. Neal left the room to order.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH MY BRAINS! IT BURNS! NO! NO! HAVE MERCY! THAT'S MY SPLE—AH CRAP THAT HURT! YOU SONOFA—." And then it stopped.

"I guess Cleon is dead now." Patty said with a smile. "Serves him right for being so stupid."

Everyone laughed and ran around in circles in joy. Neal also must have heard the disturbing cries. There were whoops of joy coming from the kitchen.

"Okay pizza is ordered," Neal said as he came in. "So my wonderful guests what shall we do now?"

"How about truth or dare?" Faleron said as he smiled wickedly at Merric, Raould, and Owen. Fortunately for them, Neal and Kel were too bust oogeling over each other to notice.

Everyone once again sat in a circle.

"I go first this time then," Raould said oddly bold. Everyone stared in amazement. They weren't used to such outbursts from the shy prince. "What the crap are you guys looking at?" Nor did princes' say crap.

"Er ok then," said a flustered Neal.

"Right. Kel, truth or dare?"

"Shit. I so knew that was coming. How about dare," she answered. After she said it, she mentally hit herself on the head. They could do horrible, evil things to her! And knowing how unpredictable Raould was right now; she was in for it. It was days like these when she wished she were a mushroom.

"Okay then, I dare you to make out with Neal." Raould said simply. He could see Neal blush helplessly. He had no say in this, and that made him feel very—unlike Neal.

"Your so predictable highness," Kel pointed out. The prince winced at his title.

Kel smiled shyly at Neal, who just sat their abnormally quiet. Kel was beginning to think that Neal and Raould switched minds some how. They both sat next to each other and began to kiss. Heat surged through Kel's body at the places they touched. Her hands went to Neal's hair as she wove her fingers in it. Neal put his hands on her waist holding her tightly to him. Kel's stomach did flip-flops when one of Neal's hands rose up and down her back. Kel's right hand went to his chest.

"Er. You guys can stop now," Faleron said with a stifled laugh. Kel and Neal broke of quickly. Both of them blushed to a ripe strawberry red.

"My turn," Neal said with an evil grin. "Faleron, truth or dare."

"Truth,' Faleron said with a smile. He then glared at Owen who said looser in a cough. "You'll pay for that Owen."

"Anyway," Neal started turning the attention back to him. "Since we wont know if he's telling the truth or not, I'll use my gift to see. Fal, if you could court any of the girls here, who would it be?"

"You're just seeing if the roads clear so you can make your move on Kel," Faleron accused with a smirk. Kel cuffed his ear nearly beheading him in the process.

"Oh no, you've found out my evil plan," Neal cried sarcastically. "Just answer the damn question."

"Okay then. I'd have to say… Mary lou," Faleron said with a blush. The court girls giggled and Kel rolled her eyes. "And now that _that _is over with, Owen, truth or dare."

Owen thought for a full minute. "It would be jolly to do truth, but since I don't want to be a wuss like Fal, I'll do dare."

Hehehehehehehe, I'm so freaking evil, Fal thought evilly. Everyone grew pale when a smile curled across his lips. Owen nearly ran out of the room for personal reasons. "Okay then. Owen I dare you to go outside and pants King Jonathan." Everyone snorted.

"That would be jolly! You guys should come with me though, to make sure I did it," Owen recommended. Everyone nodded.

"What if I don't want to see my father in his underwear?" Raould said as he munched on a peanut. Even though he was allergic, he could never resist such salty goodness.

"Then screw you," Neal said boldly. "Come on guys let's go." Everyone headed out the door including Raould. Faleron brought a camera. Well it was more of a pad and pencil since such things weren't invented yet.

About fifteen minutes later they arrived outside of Jonathan's study. It was late at night, but from what Raould told them, Jon always stayed up late. The group could hear Jonathan talking to the Lioness.

"Oh you're so bad my darling," gasped Jonathan. "Mmmmhhh. Hhhmm. Mm."

"Not as bad as you," Alanna also said heatedly.

Raould went pale. "Is my dad getting it on with the Lioness? Oh my—uhg."

Neal smiled wickedly. "Listen some more, I don't think that's what's happening."

"Are you crazy we--!" Raould started.

"Just shut it!" Neal hissed. They grew silent.

"That's what I would never say," Jonathan said reassuringly. "I have a wife and kids, and I would never two-time you."

"Nor would I with you, Jon," Alanna agreed kindly. "And we would never do that anyway. And it would be horrible if a bunch of punk kids were listening in on the previous conversation before and left before we said this. And it would be even worse if they were people we knew, or if your son was there too."

"Yep"

Everyone sighed with relief. "Okay are we going to do the dare yet?" Faleron asked as quietly as he could.

"Wait till Alanna comes," Owen said. Everyone nodded.

After a few seconds, Alanna walked out of the door; not noticing a bunch of punk kids who listened to the conversation that knew her, with one just happening to be Jon's son. (A/N: LOL! Now get reading you—Potato.)

"Alanna!" Neal hissed. The Lioness turned around to see him. Her face changed from surprised to the 'oh no not you' look. Neal beckoned her over.

"We need your jolly jollyful help that's jollily full of jollyness," Owen said with his wide smile.

Alanna rolled her eyes. "What do you lot want?" she snapped.

"Owen was dared to pants Jonathan," Kel said.

"Yeah that's nice to know. Good luck then," Alanna said walking off.

"Don't you want to help," Neal asked pretend hurt in his charming eyes. He put on his puppy dogface that got even the toughest of thieves' attention.

Alanna sighed. "If you guys get out of my life," she snapped. Everyone then just discovered that talking to the Lioness at two o' clock in the morning was not a good idea.

They all huddled in for the plan.

OOO (A/N: Where the moose is this heading?)

"Hi Jon I think I forgot something," Alanna said as she entered the study. Jonathan, who was typing on his computer, looked up and nodded. It just so happened that the king was holding up on everyone and was the only one in the realm who had a computer.

"Oh my, um, Jon. There's something in your hair," Alanna said uneasily. She walked over to him and made him face away from the door, as she pretended to fish it out of his hair.

While the Lioness was acting like a monkey, Owen, Faleron, Raould (who was wearing a fake mustache in disguise), Kel, and Neal snuck inside. The court girls decided to go back to the house and put on more make-up.

At last they attacked. It was chaos all around. Alanna quickly held Jonathan's arms so he couldn't move them while Owen ran over. Kel and Neal helped the Lioness with stabilizing the king, while Raould snuck in unnoticed. If Jon ever found out he was there, he would be so grounded.

At last Owen pantsed Jonathan, to expose pretty pink boxers with jellybeans on them. Faleron drew out his pad and began to draw.

After a couple minutes of sketching, the Lioness was growing impatient. "What's taking so effin long dammit!" she cried. She said a few more strings of violent curses and faint-worthy threats before Faleron was done.

Everyone quickly rushed out of the room leaving a very confused Jonathan. It was times like these when Jonathan wished he were not a jerk who had sudden urges to hang people and wear pretty dresses.

OOO

"Pizza is here," Neal said when he heard a knock on the door. They got back from the palace about ten minutes ago.

When Neal opened the door he found himself staring at a girl with long dark red hair, and green eyes.

"Hi! Hi! Hi! I'm the pizza person dude thing! What's your name? Huh? Huh? Huh? What's your name?!" she cried. She must have been sugar high.

"Er, Neal," Neal said confused. "Can we have our pizza now? I'm having a sleep over, and we need to get on with out lives."

"A SLEEPOVER!?" She yelled as she barged through the doors knocking over Neal in the process. "OH I LOVE THOSE THINGS! IT'S LIKE SLEEPING! _WITHOUT _THE SLEEP!" she dropped the pizza and ran around the room a couple hundred times. When she finally stopped, she stared at the staircase. "ooohhh! Where does this lead? Huh? Huh? Huh? Where does it lead?!"

"That leads to a magical garden with endless amounts of chocolate," Kel said evilly. Everyone was beginning to tire of this girl—thing—it?

"Really? Oh wow! Cool I'm goona go up there! Bye! See you! Huh? Huh? Huh? See you!" and the crazy thing ran up the stairs.

"Man she was getting on my nerves," Faleron said mostly to himself. "So more truth or dare?" everyone nodded and sat down again. On the upper floor they heard people talking.

"Give me your brains!" boomed a voice.

"What are brains? (That explained a lot, thought Kel.) Huh? Huh? Huh? Are they noodles?" said the annoying voice of the pizza girl.

"Just give them to me!"

"I can't! My brains are at home. Even though I don't know what brains are. Oh but one time, my friend and I were having a potato fight, and the potato got in my eye, so I ate it. And then there was this other time that we had a noodle fight, but that time it went up my nose. Man it tickled! I think I still have a couple noodle chunks up there. Wanna see? Huh? Huh? Huh? Wanna see?"

"No Get away from me you—you thing!" boomed that voice.

"Okay!"

And then everything was silent.

"So truth or dare?" reminded Neal.

"Yeah," Owen said as he munched on a slice of pizza. "It's my turn! Ummm, Neal. Truth or dare."

"Dare."

"Hm. I dare you to… make out with Kel again," Owen said simply.

Kel blushed as once again they kissed. The heat rose in their kiss as they caressed each other's lips passionately. Kel put her hands around his neck and through his gorgeous yet messy hair. Neal put his hands on her waist and ran his hands up and down her back and her sides. Neither of them could bear to stop.

"You guys cut it out! It's getting really late," Faleron said. Neal and Kel jumped apart like opposing magnets. Even though they were clearly attracted to each other. Everyone's eyes were red rimmed in loss of sleep.

"We still have one more thing to do," Neal said daringly. He picked up the bottle and put it in the middle of the circle. "One guy and one girl will get picked from turning the bottle and they will have to sleep in the same bed—eww not like that Owen! You guys are so…perverted!"

"I'm not the one who thought of the idea!" retorted Raould.

Neal spun the bottle. (A/N: You have one guess as to who it will land on…) It landed on Neal.

Oh this was just to good, Kel thought. I'm so killing the Trickster God if I survive this. The next spin landed on Kel. She sighed.

"That was way to predictable," voiced Patty, who everyone totally forgot about.

"Well good night then," Faleron said too sweetly. He gave them an evil smile as Kel and Neal headed towards the bedroom.

OOO

"Neal?" Kel asked as she lied in the bed. They were both as far away as possible from each other, not wanting any of their friends to get any ideas.

"Mmm?" he asked eyes closed. His lips were creased in a natural smile.

"I love you," she said shyly, and with an effort she scooted close to him and kissed him sweetly.

Neal's eyes snapped open when he felt her soft lips on hers. "I love you too," he said. Kel smiled at him, hazel eyes glistening. She scooted back to her normal spot as far away as possible from him.

Later on that night/morning, Neal clumsily fell off his bed when he dreamed he was chasing a doughnut.

OOO

"So how did it go?" asked Owen with a smile when Neal and Kel came out of the bedroom.

"Nothing happened," Neal snapped. He was always grumpy in the morning. "You guys are so nasty."

"I can see there's no talking to you this morning," Raould retorted as he bit into a cinnamon roll.

"The only thing that happened was Neal falling off the bed," Kel told them with a laugh.

"Well _you _snore!" accused Neal. He rubbed his red eyes.

Kel shrugged it off not in the mood. She took an orange from a bowl in front of her and began to peel it.

"Well that was fun and everything guys, but we have classes soon," pointed out Faleron. Everyone groaned.

"Dammit Neal, of all the days you had to host a sleepover, it was a night before classes," Kel complained. Then more quietly she said, "how stupid could you get?"

A pinch on her arm was her reward for the outburst.

Once everyone was finished eating, packing, and tripping over stray pizza slices, they headed out the door and to their doom as the classes begun.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I like it, I like it, I like it.

Hooray! That was the greatest. Oh! I'm going to review my own story and have me and Jonathan having a fight. I'll post it ASAP! Don't forget to read that review! It'll be funny. 

Review as well, cause I like reviews.

Replies…

Jeweled Rose: Fal is soo mine! Take Neal! Lol! As you can see I just wrote the K/N so it's all good. And I feel really bad for saying this, but I can't put you in another fic cause it's against the rules. That's why I got kicked off the last time…oh well. I like to break the rules. Or maybe fanfic is just out to get me.

Bekaelty: lol! You caribou! I'M NOT PERVERTED! At least not as much as Gwen…lol. LET'S GO KNITTING! BWA BWA BWA HAHAHAHAHA!!!! (CHOKE) LOL. Yes I know who you are! You're a caribou! Lol! See u soon! Shhh! What happens at band camp stays at band camp!

Ethuiliel: Of course he has to be hot! But he's mine! (looks around territorial) I love you Fal! (huggles Fal and makes him choke)

Soccerchick-08: man I hate homework so much! Grr! Maybe we can work together and destroy homework forever! That would be pretty fun…

I like that part too…lol! Dom is so stoopid! : D Yes call me anyday and I will relieve your stress for only five easy payments of one noodle. Lol. Don't ask…

Toodles…

Heartdamoose

"If you hunt moose, I advise you don't talk to me…"

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the brains to make Patty, Marry sue, Betty lou, and the Pizza girl. I guess I don't have any brains then huh…


	7. The Story of Varice

Man I feel so evil for not updating a lot. And I'm really sorry! Forgive me? Of course you will.

Okay this fic is going to be during Emperor Mage and it's going to have Varice dead and stuff. Yay! And there will be a little N/D too!

Heehee…major exaggeration in this one.

disclaimer: I don't own crap. Or the characters...lol. All Tammy's except for the crap, which belongs to out amazing digestive system!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Varice Kingsford was very excited to be able to see Numair again. He was coming to the ball that night, and she couldn't wait to steal him away from his student and make Numair sit next to her for the rest of his stay.

She ignored a voice in her head that said that such actions could lead to Numair's death and make the student really pissed and make really tall dinosaurs tear down the walls because Varice was so damn upsessed with the mage.

It was unhealthy how crazy she was really. Not even the Emperor knew that she had a Numair shrine in her closet, when all things that reminded Ozorne of Numair would be confiscated because he was evil like that.

Varice decided to get ready for the ball even though it was much later that night and it was indeed only morning. She excused that disturbing fact by saying that she needed time to put on makeup. She probably put on so much of the stuff that she doesn't even know what she really looks like anymore. But she just shrugged that off also because she was ignorant that way.

OOO

Much later that night, since having Varice putting on her dress and makeup isn't at all exciting, the ball started.

"Numair my sweet love of my life that probably left the country because I'm so damn boring to talk to!" Varice called. The tall black hared man turned his head to the voice at the sound of his name. His student Daine also turned her head.

"Aw shit," he whispered mostly to himself though mostly the whole ballroom could hear. Varice didn't seem to hear however, probably because she stuck so many Q-tips up her ears that she lost most of her hearing abilities.

Varice walked up to Daine and Numair. She glared at Daine like a territorial lion that wears a lot of makeup and smiled at Numair. "Hello Darling!"

"Hi," Numair choked out. "Varice, who I would rather not be talking to right now, could you please step aside? Me and my student would like to dance."

Varice glared daggers at Daine. "I wouldn't love to, but I guess I have to because I'm a _proper _lady." The insult, if one could call it that, was thrown at Daine clearly.

"Far from proper is more like it," Daine joked. Numair laughed a hearty laugh and they walked away from Varice who was dressed in too much pink to be healthy.

"So when should we murder her?" Daine asked as they danced. Both of them were a little bit too close for proper dancing, but neither of them seemed to mind.

"Daine!" Numair said clearly shocked. He wasn't used to such outbursts from a person who mostly talks to animals. "That's a great idea!"

"Well I'm a great person," Daine said as she smiled up at the tall man. Numair's stomach did flip-flops like they always did when they touched.

"How about tonight?" He recommended. Daine nodded. "With my hard core progift thing, we should be able to kill the idiot of a stupid person tonight. Here's the plan."

They brought their heads with their faces only inches apart as they discussed. Neither of them could shake the fact that they were so close to kissing each other. But Numair didn't want to take advantage of her and Daine probably had cud in her mouth from when she accidentally transformed into a cow.

OOO

Varice was in her room reading her book called, How to Win a Black Robed Mage's Heart and Kill their Student in the Process, by King Jonathan, when she heard a knock on the door.

"Come in," she purred to the door. She didn't mean to purr, but she also couldn't help the fact that her grandma was a cat now could she?

Numair walked in with a smiling face. A fake smiling face, mind. He was supposed to lead Varice on, which he could do easily because he was cool that way.

"Hello Varice," he greeted heatedly. Varice smiled wickedly. Varice walked up to the tall man and wrapped her arms around his neck. The rings on her fingers were biting into Numair's neck.

Numair looked up into the window to see Daine's face. He winked and she smiled back. Summoning his really really strong gift he put a silencing spell over Varice and put a protection wall throughout the room making it so that no spies could listen through the walls. Or the average passer by.

OOO

Alanna, the average lady knight, was having an average walk through the hallways. Being the average evil person that Alanna was, she decided to sneak up on Varice and threaten her. She never liked the witch. She wore too much pink for her own good.

She walked up to the door to listen through it and see if she could use blackmail by recording her snoring or something average like that, to find that she couldn't hear through the door at all.

This was very peculiar to her for some reason. She came up with three reasons as to why she couldn't hear a thing. One, she was suddenly going deaf, two Varice used her gift to soundproof the walls because she didn't want to scare people with her hideous singing, or three, Daine and Numair were planning to murder her and Numair just sound proofed the walls so that he could kill her without anyone hearing.

Deciding that the third idea was the most reasonable, she shrugged and walked back to her average room.

Never before had our favorite Lady Knight until a Yamani trained chick with a long stick blade thing becomes a knight, ever let us down.

(A/N: OMG that was so funny! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Chh snortheehee!)

OOO

"Listen to me you (blahblahbalhevilwordbleep) with a warthog as a mother and a father that smells of elderberries! I never liked you! And today you shall die!" Numair said with an evil glint in his eyes. Animals started to come through the windows in her room to do evil things to Varice.

And indeed they did. Southern birds relieved themselves on Varice's head, foxes tested their biting strength on her night gown, and chipmunks tore at her skin.

After a few minutes a really big bear decided to crash the best party of the year and entered the door through a window that at first glance you would think wasn't big enough to admit a bear. The bear, which just happened to like to eat people, ate Varice up and left the room.

Daine quickly came in. "We did it Numair!" she ran over to him and hugged him tight with their bodies crushed together. Soon enough their mouths were on each other's and they began to kiss passionately.

"Indeed we did, magelet," Numair whispered to her with his mouth only inches away from hers. Once again they kissed.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I like it! Oh and if you haven't done so already, click the reviews button to read the reviews. There is one by me that has me beating Jon's arse. Heehee. Read it peoples!

Replies:

Halaia: a strange person I am…

Jeweled Rose: Revealing secrets is what I do best! Yay!

Ethuiliel: awesome, I love music. I can play the stereo also…lol. I also just started euphonium, which is like a mini tuba. That's not slash! I thought guys had sleepovers…well this one guy that went to my old school has sleepovers all the time. He was my old neighbor before I moved.

Arwen-Dragonrider: You know it would be koolio if arwen could ride dragons…yea anyway. That sux…I thought she could read fanfics.

Freekofnature: Yay! Roger sux! Oh I should kill roger next time! Even though he's already dead…snaps fingers…dammit!

By guys I gotta go and run around the neighborhood like a crazy person!

heartdamoose


	8. Poison

You know I have been updating a whole lot lately… 

::maniac laugh:: Aha! The plan for fanfic domination is working!

::pause::

You didn't just read that.

…yea so anyway, I think this fic should be a Delia one. Well because the title is The I Hate Jonathan _and Delia _Fan Club. So now I'ma gonna writify a Delia one.

Let's see it will take place during INHOTG in the Alanna series so the main character will be Alanna. How about a little AG fluff to go with it? And a fight scene? And Jon is evil in this fic so don't ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in this fic because apparently the TP phone service just called me, and said they are gonna take away all of my things and send me back to the people in the white coats with the pointy things again. I don't like that place.

::snort::

yea that was a run on sentence…

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Alanna's patience was running as thin as a piece of microscopic paper and much more. What was this the tenth time that she saw Delia in Jonathan's bedroom? Probably more now that you think of it. And now as she _tried _to sleep in her bed, those nightly noises were giving her a massive headache.

It's not like she was jealous or anything, but Delia made her sick. And now that she thought of it more Jon was making her just as nauseous. He was so simple minded, and didn't even care about other people.

Alanna promised to herself that she would move out of the country and perhaps move out of those countries that she just moved into when Jon became king.

_If _he became king, Alanna thought with a wicked smile.

(A/N: uh oh, is Jon gonna die in this one too? Just makes it better I suppose.)

"Faithful," Alanna hissed quietly at her kitten. The lazy kitten just twitched his tale and released a rather large yawn before once again falling into slumber.

"Stupid cat," muttered Alanna as she put on her boots and a jacket while also making sure her chest was bound flat. "I guess I'll be going to George's without you then," she snapped at the cat.

_Congratulations, _he said a little too mildly, and then once again began the soft snore of sleep.

Alanna muttered about stupid cats that will no longer be able to sleep on the nice soft bed as she left the room and stealthily walked the halls.

At last she arrived at the city gates. They were dressed in jewels and other riches that could've fed a poor family for years. Just shows how much our wonderful palace is, Alanna thought angrily as she walked out of the palace gates and into the lower city.

The dancing dove was a rowdy place for an inn, but then again what fun would an inn be without cheering and drinks all around? The inn was packed with a variety of people from the average thief, to the noble man who was out for a strong drink.

"Alan! How 're ye doing me' lad?" Cried the familiar voice of the caretaker. "Out to see my Majesty I presume. He's over at his table me' lad."

Alanna smiled and walked over to George's table. She saw him sitting at the head of his table with a round of friends around him.

"Alan hello!" George greeted with a kind smile, but it was soon replaced with concern when he remembered the time. "What's wrong?"

"We need to talk about something," Alanna said to him. When she looked back up at him, she saw something in his eyes, she didn't know what it was, but it made her feel giddy.

George nodded and rose from his seat. With his arm on Alanna's shoulder, he led her to his room. He could sense Alanna trembling, but whether it was because she was tired or angry he couldn't tell.

Once in his room George made Alanna sit in a chair across from his own. He poured a glass of lemonade for them both.

"Gods George he's tearing me apart!" Alanna cried as she put her head in her left hand. "He's annoying the crap out of me, and that Delia girl isn't much better."

"Easy there lass," George cooed. "I presume we're talking about Jon right?" at Alanna's nod he continued. This times more quietly as if he didn't want her to hear. "You're not jealous are you?"

Alanna rose her head to shoot violet eyes at him. "Anything but," she retorted. Did he just look relieved? Alanna thought confused.

"So how should we kill im'?" George asked with an evil grin.

Alanna grinned too. "I was thinking poison."

"That makes two of us. Well actually I was thinking for Delia that we could make her look like a fool of herself and _then _poison her."

They talked for a few minutes as they concocted an evil plan.

"That works." Alanna stood of along with George, and she began to walk out the door.

"Lass," George started almost like he was nervous. Alanna spun around to meet his eyes. Gods they were so beautiful. She never really did notice how much green was in his hazel eyes, and his smile made her want to drop to her knees.

"Yes?" she asked when he didn't continue.

He walked up to her so their bodies were only a foot apart. "I just want to say that I like what yer doin', but I like you much more." He raised her head up to his with a finger on her chin and kissed her sweetly.

Alanna was shocked. She never knew that kisses could be so emotional. And surprisingly enough, she was depressed to have it end. She was amused to find that George's face was a tinge redder then a while ago.

"There's a ball tomorrow, I think we can do the Delia plan then," Alanna pointed out. George smiled and nodded. She waved and left the door leaving a very flustered George.

The walk back to the castle was a fast and cold one, and Alanna didn't like it at all. Something about the air told her that she was being watched, and she didn't like it at all.

As if to confirm her feelings, she heard footsteps behind her. She quickly spun around with two once hidden daggers in her hands.

All that she saw was a piece of parchment blowing away with the wind.

Alanna glared at nothing and turned back around as she started her walking once again.

Once again the hollow stalking footsteps followed.

She sighed an inward sigh and grinned. "What the hell do you want?" she snapped as she turned around quickly.

She nearly jumped out of her gift when she saw a man in dark robes and darker hair stand before her. He too also seemed surprised (even though he was the one doing the stalking).

"I want all you—OH MY LORD!! YOU HAVE PURPLE EYES! GAHH! OMY—THAT IS JUST UNCALLED FOR!" And with that he ran away in many high pitched girlie screams.

Alanna snorted and continued her walk.

With those footsteps still following.

Shivers ran up Alanna's spine as she started to get freaked. If those footsteps weren't that crazy guy's, then whose were they?

"Hello lad," drawled an oily voice behind her. She spun around once again with her daggers exposed. Waves of fear surged throughout her body. She never liked stalkers, and here one was draped in black robes and rich garments.

"Okay listen," Alanna started. "I've been having a really bad day because this guy is getting it on with this witch with a capital B in a bedroom next to mine and their making all this noise, so you know I plan to kill them cause they _really _piss me off. So I walked to the inn to talk to my friend and he kissed me, and I thought I liked it but now I'm just really really confused. So we came up with a plan to kill…

Does he _ever _stop talking? The mysterious man thought a little bit over annoyed.

"…So I said goodbye and I was walking down the road and I hear these footsteps right? So I turn around and all I see is this stupid piece of paper, and I have to admit I got a little scared there, but I just continued walking. Then I hear those footsteps again and this gender confused guy is staring at me and he gets all freaked because of my eyes. I mean really it's not like their scary or anything right? Their just purple, nothings wrong with purple. I actually have learned to love the color even though it does clash with my hair. Cause just face it. Purple and red? Nu uh, doesn't match at all. So anyway he runs off screaming bloody murder, I really love that game, and then I start walking and I hear those footsteps again and by this time I'm like dying of fear. And then I see you and stuff and you look kinda scary, but it's nothing I can't take, so I'm not really that scared anymore and--."

"DO YOU _EVER _SHUT UP?!?!" the man yelled to her.

She paused thinking it over. "Not really, no."

The man was about to explode right then, but he quickly let it down. "Can we just get the fight over with?"

"Oh yea um sure. Just a sec," Alanna said. She fumbled with her sleeve until she produced two daggers. She got in the ready position. The man drew out a long sword.

"You aren't a commoner are you," Alanna said uneasily. Commoners weren't aloud to wield swords.

The man laughed an evil, maniac laugh. All he did was laugh and laugh for five full minutes. He wiped hysterical tears from her eyes. "No I'm not. I am you father."

(A/N: kay that was unexpected…)

"SAY WHAT?!?!" she cried, almost dropping her weapon in shock. "Dude I hate to burst your slightly disturbed bubble, but my dad is dead. Good riddance," she said under her breath.

The guy scratched the back of his head. "Oh…erm. Your uncle then?"

"You scare me," she said flatly. 

In a burst of speed, Alanna brought her daggers up to attack, but the man blocked it with his long sword. It wasn't the best block however; he didn't expect an attack.

Alanna once again attacked only to be blocked by a powerful sword that made her bones jiggle. She gritted her teeth from the impact.

At last Alanna pulled away and ducked just before the sword was about to behead her. She swiftly collapsed his feet from under him with a spinning kick and jumped back up.

She brought her dagger down to his heart, only to have it blocked away. The impact from the other sword made her dagger shoot up and accidentally scratch her cheek.

Gods that was so stupid of me, she thought getting very pissed. If that happened during practice, she would be doing extra work for the rest of the year.

The man quickly stood up.

With a yell of fury, she brought her daggers in a butterfly sweep knocking his sword under her hilts.

With her hilts crossed and connected to his blade, she brought the long blade up, but her body shook with the effort.

Alanna carefully put her foot on his stomach and turned her hilts hard. The sword twisted out of his hand and she heard bone crack. Before he could throw a punch (with his not broken arm) she kick him with the foot that was on his stomach and made him fly over her shoulder.

When she saw him slowly start to get off the ground from behind her she smiled. Slowly she turned around and at the speed of light she threw one of her daggers at him.

When she looked at him, she saw that the dagger was lodged deeply in his throat.

Gritting her teeth she took out the dagger and went home at a run, not giving a shit if there were still following footsteps.

OOO (A/N: that was so weird)

The ball was overly crowded for reasons that Alanna did not know, but it made things all the better. Embarrassing Delia would be fun!

She was disguised as a lady in a long green gown. She gown was a forest green with black lace trim and a low neckline. She wore a long black wig that hid her fiery hair, but her violet eyes were still exposed.

She cautiously walked over to her knight master not believing what she was just about to do. He was standing there evilly with Delia fluttering over his shoulder.

"Hello Jon," Alanna said unlady like. Not like she gave a damn of course.

Jon turned around with wide eyes as he looked at Alanna. Though she was sure he didn't recognize her. He had the memory of half of a goldfish.

Jon laughed. "Why hello there my lady! And who might such an attractive young lady be?" he said with his eyes lingering on her chest. Alanna saw Delia glare.

Wow I never knew that courting fights could be so much fun (as in two court girls fighting over a guy type of thing.). Alanna smiled and battered her eyelashes. "Alianne of…Queenscove, your highness."

Jon obviously fell for the fief's name. She didn't look like a Queenscove at all. They all had green eyes. And violet isn't even close to green. "I see, would you care to dance My Lady?"

Alanna smiled kindly and glared daggers at Delia who looked like she was about to explode. "I would be delighted," she said as she took Jon's arm. This is so much fun!

As they passed by the very jealous Delia, Alanna 'accidentally' stepped on the hem of the evil girl's dress and undid the lace of her dress with a very small dagger.

Delia didn't notice, but it would be only a matter of time until the dress would fall off.

"Jon, I just adore you, and I've always wanted to do this," Alanna said 'heatedly' right in front of Delia. She grabbed Jon's head and kissed him passionately. It was the last thing in the world that she wanted to do, but it was for a good reason.

"Whoa," Jon said when she was finished. Delia started to scream insults at Alanna. Everyone soon began to stare at the ruckus.

Soon the crowd burst into laughter. Delia stopped screaming her insults and looked down to find that she was only in her under dress.

A serving man (AKA George) came right after and seemed to trip over her fallen dress. The outcome of such 'clumsiness' was red wine spilled all over Delia.

Delia glared at everyone and ran out of the building in tears while everyone laughed.

OOO

Later that night, news reporters reported that Delia had died of embarrassment and poisoned herself.

Translation: later that really funny night, Alanna made Delia die of hilarious embarrassment and George poisoned her while laughing.

OOO

"You know I don't miss her at all," Jon said as he and Alanna sat in a couple chairs. "She was just there so I could look good. The only reason I even dated her was because I wanted to make people think I'm rich and powerful. Even though I already am."

No shit Jon, Alanna thought. "How about a toast to the death of Delia?" she asked holding up her cup full of whine.

"Of course," he said a little too happily. "I really hope this drink isn't poisoned," he added as he took a sip.

Alanna snorted in her drink and coughed. "Why would you think that Jon?" she asked innocently.

"I dunno. Maybe because--." And then he fell too the floor.

Alanna was happy to see that he wasn't moving or breathing! She quickly took out a trash bag and stuffed the body inside. Then she opened her window and through the body out.

"OUCH MY BLOODY HEAD!" cried someone from below. She obviously didn't look to see if the body would hit anyone. She looked down now to see an unconscious Roger under Jon's body.

(A/N: OMG three people in one fic! World record!)

Alanna couldn't believe her luck. She began to do a happy dance in her room.

Walking to the closet she opened the door to admit a concealed George.

"We did it!" Alanna cried. The both hugged each other tight and started to kiss passionately.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yay! Delia, Jon, and Roger died! Heehee! That's great! Okay now you guys have to review this time cause I only got like three reviews on the last chapter and that is just sad.

Review!

Bbye

heartdamoose


	9. An Eventful Trip

Lol. I got such a good idea for this chapter. It's all going to be coincidence. Lol. Okay it will take place after Lady Knight and stuff.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

Kel, Neal, Roaul, and Alanna were all on their way back to the palace after a long trip to somewhere far away. They were looking for something that would help the heir kill the king, but they forgot what because they lost their memory.

"Guys where are we even going?" Neal asked as he led his horse down a scary, dark, and dusty road. It seemed to be midnight in the middle of the Royal Forest (why they were there is not important) though they couldn't tell because it was so thick.

"I don't know, let's just go to the palace. I think we're close," Alanna said. She screamed when she saw a spider dangle in front of her. "I HATE SPIDERS!"

"Yes we all know that you hate spiders," Roaul said like he heard it a million times (which was probably true). "You're going to give away our position if you scream so loud."

"What position!" Alanna hissed. Her voice was quieter, but she was still curious. Roaul just shrugged as they rode on.

A rustle in the bushes made the group quickly turn their heads to the right and expose their impressive weapons. Alanna looked scared out of her wits  
(probably thinking it was a monster spider) and Neal for a split second looked like a cowering pig.

A teenage girl dressed in a green shirt and black pants emerged from the bush and tripped over a conveniently placed stick. The girl moaned and stood up slowly. As the group saw her closer they noted that she had shoulder length brown hair that shaped around a stubborn face dusted with many freckles and bright emerald eyes.

"Are you okay?" Kel eventually asked. She wasn't sure how to react to a clumsy girl falling out of the bushes. The girl nodded with a cunning smile and brushed the damp dirt off of her breeches.

"What's your name?" asked Roaul as he dismounted his horse. The others did so as well.

"Emmy of erm…Queenscove!" she replied. Her voice was carefree and she herself looked to always be happy.

"WHAT!" Neal cried. He dropped his sword and looked at her closely. They did look alike, same eyes, hair, even their smiles matched, but it couldn't be. Neal never heard of a relative named Emmy.

"Uh yes Neal!" she said a little too happily. "I'm your long lost sister! Your father has been holding out on you!"

Neal and Kel exchanged looks and turned back to her. "Um okay, I have a sister now. Great. So do you now where Corus is? We can't find it."

"Corus?" Emmy asked confused. "Never heard of it before. I lived in a different world type place all my life, and then this freaky girl with antlers and wings who says she's my twin poofed me to this place and I landed in the bush. You know I never knew I had a twin, and she seemed kinda nice until she threatened me to shut up because I talk so much. I don't talk a lot do I? Well I wouldn't know because I'm the one talking therefore I'm not the listener. So anyway after she threatened me, I still talked cause I had something really important to say, and then here I am talking with you guys about talking to her!"

"Mmm. Fascinating," Alanna said dryly.

"Wait so how did you know my name if you lived in a different place all your life?" Neal asked almost as confused as the author.

"You know I'm not quite sure. It just popped into my head and I said it…bumble bee," she said. Everyone stared at her like she was an unusual person who came out of a bush saying that she got threatened by her twin sister and was related to Neal.

"Yes well we better get to Corus then," Kel said changing the subject. Everyone nodded and mounted their horses.

"Can I come too?" asked Emmy with a smile. She was holding the reins of a brown gelding with white socks and a white diamond on his forehead.

"Where in the world did the horse come from?" Alanna asked freaked out. Everyone also looked at her with wide eyes, and Neal was going into hysterics.

"Oh Bert? I dunno! All of a sudden he came from the air!" To demonstrate, the girl raised her hands and let them gently fall down. "So can I come?"

"Erm…sure," Kel said. "But just don't annoy us."

"Yes person!" Emmy started to mount Bert, but when she almost got on, she quickly fell off the other side with an oof. Alanna snorted.

"I'm okay!" Emmy said with a muffled voice. She quickly stood up only to trip over a possum. "Omy!"

After a few minutes and much muffled laughs from the knights, Emmy was safely (we hope) on Bert her horse. They briskly rode down the road.

"Watch out for that branch!" Kel called to the rest of them.

"OOF!"

The four knights sighed as they looked behind them. Emmy was once again on the forest floor.

"Don't worry guys I'm fine," she said weakly, yet the happiness in her voice still shown.

"We weren't," Neal said loosing patience.

Again they rode on.

OOO

After two hours of riding, they were finally in sight of the palace. All of the knights sighed with relief and they headed towards the city at a gallop. Roaul was starting to smell, and they wanted to get him to the baths as soon as possible.

"What a wonderful place to live!" complimented Emmy as they walked into the palace. Servants holding their noses already walked Roaul away to his bath, and Alanna went to her rooms to cure a headache that had started when she met the optimistic girl. Neal and Kel were going to take Emmy to the guestrooms.

And once they were done with that, they were going to run as far away as possible from the scary girl.

On the way there however, they ran into trouble. Standing before them was king Jonathan and his groupies Cleon, duke Roger, Varice, Delia, an evil scientist, Vinson, Zahir, Joren, and Lian the shang dragon because he really pisses off the author.

"Why hello there!" Emmy greeted happily. "My name is Emmy of…Juniper! What's yours?"

The king laughed a hearty laugh. "I am the king. The ruler of this land and the person who makes all of the laws. I control all of this land because I am imperial and have a lot of money! PAY YOUR TAXES!"

"I would gladly love to pay my taxes, but first I have to learn what taxes are!" Emmy said with a smile. She walked over to shake the king's royal and evil hands, but tripped over a rug.

The outcome of such clumsiness was quite a shocker. When Emmy tripped, she bumped into Jon. Jon who was furious to have someone touch his royal body, and blew up. A piece of his nose knocked Varice into a pool of very hot wax. When Varice fell into the pool, a drop was splashed onto Cleon. Cleon, who was allergic, grew ugly rashes in places not shown to the public, and he burst into flame and fell over. When he fell he bumped Delia onto a sword and the sword stabbed her through the heart. Lian, who liked the smell of Delia's expensive perfume took a big whiff and fainted into a tub of spitting cobras. Roger, who was trying to save Lian with his gift, drained it all and shriveled up. Vinson tripped on Roger's body like a banana peel and fell on the evil scientist. The scientists evil concoction spilled on him and made him turn into a flesh-eating monkey with a giraffe tail. The monkey/evil scientist ate Zahir. Realizing that he didn't like the taste of evil bazhir, he regurgitated toxic goo/Zahir all over Joren and made him bleed internally.

When the very clumsy incident had ended, Neal and Kel were ecstatic to find that none of them were breathing or moving! Kel flipped off Cleon in joy.

"Hooray, Emmy!" cried Neal as he skipped in a circle and threw flowers into the air. "You killed them all!"

"I killed them!" Emmy cried. "That's horrible!" Though she felt bad for killing ten people in one clumsy movement, her voice was as happy as ever.

"No it isn't!" Kel said happily. "Those people were evil!"

"Yay! I killed them—oof!"

And once again Emmy tripped on the rug.

And so the days of Tortall led on with no evil people in the land. Roald was king, and Emmy was advisor (which people soon realized was not a good thing). And even though Emmy was still as clumsy as ever, and managed to destructively destroy everything in her path, everyone loved her for killing all the evil dudes.

THE EN—oof. Crap that hurt!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lol. That was so pointless. Sorry for the shortness! Give me ideas! I need more ideas! PLEASE!

Disclaimer: I don't anyone here except for Emmy and Bert. It all belongs to TP.

Replies:

Ethuiliel: I feel so loved! How did you find out I was a goddess? Shit! My friend told you didn't she. gets out pitchfork Oh Caribou! Where are you! Lol.

Arwen-Dragonrider: I'm sad to say so yes. It's okay cause I got more this chappie. You inhaled your doritos? My goodness, I hope you didn't choke… We don't want Arwen to die do we. She already almost died in RotK.

Jeweled Rose: I love that part too! You'll have to deal with my randomness, I am very random. Gosh you should see me at school. People think I'm like mentally insane, and I tell them that if it will help your pet pig to crush the curling iron then it's fine by me, and then they run away crying for their moms.

Whee: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

LandUnderWave: Why'd you wanna say that? Are you allergic to ketchup? Don't ask…

Popshop123: I couldn't stop laughing while I was writing this so I hope you like it!

Make sure that your turn off the pineapple recorder that says when to eat the remnants of the chicken broth proximity if you don't want the evil moose eating donuts to steal all of your lined paper and business cards.

Er…yea

heartdamoose


	10. Harry's adventure

Well, I must say that I have no idea what is going on in this chapter. That's why I need ideas peoples! I'm sucked out of funny stuff…

Oh wait! I got it! Lol…giggle.

Okay this is going to be a Harry Potter crossover! Man I'm dying just thinking about it! Lol.

But before we start, I have a question. If I put reviewers in a chapter would I be kicked off?

Anyway…lol.

Disclaimer: I don't own any stinkin thing in this chapter. Harry, Ron, and Hermione go to JK, and Tortall and the other dudes are Tamora's

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a bright and sunny day at Hogwarts castle. Everything seemed to spread a happy radiance to everyone that would make even the most hated Slytherins and most prideful Gryffindors hold hands.

Students skipped down the halls and even the people who got knocked over by skippers laughed at their new bruises and in some cases, broken bones and fractured spines.

Even the usually grumpy, evil, and stressed teachers wore a smile on their faces. Snape gave less homework then usual, Flitwick handed out delightful cherry lollipops at the beginning of class, and Sprout gave each house fifty house points for no good reason.

Even Malfoy, who never seemed to let down his attempt to ruin Harry's, Ron's, and Hermione's lives, didn't even try to trip one of them over or accidentally set a very big troll on them.

Harry, Ron, and Hermoine were all in their house common room laughing and eating candy as they told funny jokes.

Harry himself felt like doing something dangerous and stupid that might get him expelled. "Hey guys, wanna go on an adventure?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Harry we went on an adventure yesterday, can't we have a break sometimes?"

"Um, let me think. No. We have the world to save! My revenge on Voldemort will be complete!"

Ron cringed at the dark lord's name. "Actually I'm up for an adventure."

Hermione sighed. "Well I better come along to keep you out of trouble."

"How about we travel far away with a magical potion that we aren't supposed to do because we are inexperienced and ignorant?" Harry recommended. Ron shrugged and Hermione got out a potions book that she 'accidentally' took from the restricted section of the library.

OOO

About two hours later, the potion was ready and Harry, Ron, and Hermione were getting cups for them to drink the potion out of. Why? Because that's what cups are for.

"This is the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my entire life!" Ron retorted when he tasted a small bit. "This—this is worse then the _Polyjuice _potion! This _thing _is so vile that it is unfit for the Satan himself. And even if Satan did try it, he would burn in hells fires and then hell itself would explode!"

"Oh just suck it up and drink it Ron!" Hermione said as she herself gagged on the wicked vileness of the wicked and vile substance that was wicked—and vile.

Eventually, after many curses unfit for little children by Ron, they had all finished the potion.

Harry was the first one who felt his stomach drop as he felt the potion kick in. A belch from Ron verified that he too, was feeling the same thing.

At last the world around him felt dark.

OOO

"Guys? Where the bloody hell are we?" Ron asked as he stared around him. They were in the middle of a cobble stone road. There were poor people, rich people, and just plain people around them, but none of them seemed to notice. Apparently where they were, it was not considered quite weird to see people lying in the middle of a road.

"How am I supposed to know?" Hermione retorted as she quickly stood up. Harry and Ron did so as well and began to brush off their robes.

"Some adventure Harry!" Ron said as he tried to blame their attempt on someone. "We could still be in our nice and warm common room getting drunk on butter beer and belching the brains out of ourselves, but no. I had to listen to little Potter and go one of his adventures."

Harry shrugged. "I think it's fun."

Ron was practically going into hysterics then. Right when he was about to mouth off again, Hermione clasped her hands over his mouth and glared at the red head.

"Come on let's go find someone who can help us!" Hermione said. When she felt Ron calm down, she put down her hand and wiped it on her robe.

As if Hermione knew where they were like the back of her hand (even though she probably didn't know what the back of her hand looks like) she headed down the road with confidence in her step. Ron and Harry rushed to catch up with her.

After a couple minutes of walking, Ron, Harry, and Hermione found themselves in front of a large palace gate surrounded by guards.

"Maybe someone important lives here," Ron guessed as he looked at the wall and the castle that was a little ways behind it.

"No shit troll head," Hermione said as she womped Ron on the head. Ron rubbed it protectively.

"Come on guys let's look for a secret entrance!" Harry said with a little too much joy. Hermione and Ron sighed.

"He's back on his secret entrance obsession isn't he?" Hermione said. Ron nodded. They started to run along the long wall.

"OOF! OUCH! WHOEVER KNOCKED ME DOWN WILL SURELY GET THEIR BALLS REMOVED!" Ron cried as he found himself on he ground and covered with muddy mud that was apparently muddy.

The person who knocked Ron down whoever was not a man. And Ron saw that clearly when he looked up into the person's eyes.

"OH MY GOODNESS! PURPLE EYES! PURPLE EYES! IT—SHE –GAH! THIS IS UNCALLED FOR! SHE HAS FREAKIN PURPLE EYES! THAT IS UNNATURAL! SHE IS A PART OF VOLDEMORT! GAH! SHE'S GONNA GET ME AND EAT ME AND THEN KILL ME THEN THROW ME UP AND EAT ME AGAIN! SHE'S AN EVIL PERSON WHO LIKES TO ASSIST EVILNESS AND EVERYTHING EVIL IN THE CATEGORY OF EVIL EVILNESS! WHY OH WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ME YOU RAN INTO! WHY NOT A BANANA PEEL OR ANYTHING BESIDES ME! WHY AM I STILL YELLING! AHHH I'M SO FREAKING FREAKED OUT FROM THE FREAKINESS OF YOUR FREAKY EYES AND MY FREAKING VOICE THAT IS STARTING TO CRACK BECAUSE I'M YELLING AND TALKING SO MUCH!" And with that opinion over with, Ron started to calm down, but still stared into the person's (AKA Alanna in case you're stupid) eyes. Harry and Hermione were also quite shocked.

"Um. Okay…" said the woman that bumped Ron over. "Who's Voldemort anyway?"

"Very, very, _very_ long story," Hermione said as she helped Ron up. "Well actually it's not that long, but well, no—actually it is quite long, yet it has a little shortness to it I guess."

"Just make up your damn mind!" said Alanna. Hermione was surprised at the woman's short patience. "Short or long!"

"Erm…short," Hermione said.

"Fine. Then tell me what it is."

"I can't."

"And why is _that_?"

"Er…because?"

"Because why!"

"BECAUSE IT'S A DAMN SECRET YOU FOOL!" Hermione yelled. If you looked carefully at the red head's hair, you could see the tips were a bit burnt from Hermione's fiery tone. Harry and Ron were flabbergasted to hear Hermione yell, much less express herself in such—gifted—vocabulary.

"Well you could have said so earlier you know," Alanna pointed out. "And who are you guys anyway?"

"I'm Ron!"

"Harry."

"Betty."

Ron looked at Hermione confused. "Are you keeping secrets from us Hermy?"

"Er…yes?"

"Her names Hermione," Harry said. "She's just being a stubborn prat right now, so it's best if you ignore her. Now if you could tell us who you are?"

Alanna sighed. "Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau. The Lioness, Kings Champion, and first Lady knight in a century, Part of the Bloody Hawk Bazhir tribe, and heroine of many."

"Wow, I'm glad I don't live here. I'd hate to have a name like that," Ron said. At Alanna's look, he took a few steps back. A few big steps back.

"Looks like we just hit medieval times guys," Harry muttered to the others.

"So it seems," Hermione said.

"What the crap are you guys talking about?" asked Alanna. "I've never been so clueless in my life! And I thought I was smart. Grr, just—go away!"

"With pleasure," Hermione said hotly. "Unfortunately we do not know how to get home."

"We don't?"

"We don't?"

"You don't?"

"Hermione! I thought you knew how!" Harry said. "Now we might have to live in a whole bunch of horse poop for the rest of our lives!"

"Well maybe life would be easier if these simple headed people had magic!"

"Sorry-magic?" Alanna asked.

"Yes smart one—magic," Hermione said as she took out her wand.

"We have magic," Alanna said. She brought out the violet of her gift and held it in her palm for them to see.

"What the French fry is that supposed to be?" Ron asked as he stared at the clump of purple stuff in Alanna's hands.

"You're a mage?" Hermione asked amazed. "We're wizards."

"So that's what the stick things were for. I thought you were going to attack me or something. Not like I couldn't hold you off with my hard core magic."

"Bet we can do better," Harry challenged darkly as he drew out his wand.

Alanna turned to him and smiled. "Is that a bet you're willing to loose?"

"Quite the opposite."

"For a second I thought you were joking."

"Not even close."

"You actually think you can beat me?"

"Damn right."

"Hate to burst your bubble, but I'm one of the best mages in the land."

"As am I in my land."

"You're lying."

"I know you are but what am I?"

"A self centered, gender confused, stick holding, four eyed, nose picking, wizard."

"That was uncalled for."

"I know it was, but I'm not one to give a crap."

"Good for you. Now can we get the duel over with?"

"Fine."

They walked a little ways away from the palace walls and got ready. Alanna produced her gift and charged it up. Harry got out his wand and held in front of his head.

Alanna was the first to strike, with her gift she threw purple fireballs at the wizard.

"Deletrius!" Harry yelled with a flick of his wand. The fireballs evaporated into the air when they were only feet away from Harry.

"Incendio!" He cried again. Fire erupted from his wand and towards Alanna.

Alanna made the fire die with a wave of summoned seawater.

"Hey Alanna who are you dueling?" Cried an annoying voice to her right.

Alanna rolled her eyes. "Shut up Neal, I'm trying to duel here!"

"Yeah, but who are you dueling?"

"Some freaky kid who thinks he's better then me!"

"Better tell him to quit while he's ahead!"

"Already tried!"

"Hey don't be calling Harry names!" Retorted Ron as he walked over to Neal angrily. "You think you're all that and a bag of chips don't you? Well let me tell you something bucko, you're not, you're really not. Now shut it and let them duel!"

(A/N: oooh. Buuuurned.)

"Well excuse me," Said Neal as he turned back to the duel.

Harry was shaking away what seemed to be orange peels, and Alanna was in the process of gagging up some very unattractive slugs.

Ron winced. "Oh my. I feel you're pain Alanna!"

When Alanna was done gagging up a particularly large slug, she made a large violet horse gallop towards Harry.

"Morsmorde…SHIT!" Green fire erupted from Harry's wand at the same time that the galloping horse trampled him (and nearly beheaded him in the process).

Harry accidentally summoned the Dark Mark, instead of doing a shield spell.

(A/N: lol. stoopid Harry. He's not even capable of doing the dark mark, but w/e. It makes me laugh.)

"HARRY YOU EFFING BLOODY IDIOT!" Ron yelled.

"Erm…oopsies?"

"OOPSIES IS RIGHT HARRY! WHAT THE MOOSE IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Ron added. He tried not to look up into the green skull that was drifting above them. He also tried to ignore the fact that he just replaced a cuss word with the word moose. What was the world coming to?

"I don't really see how this is a problem," Alanna said. "It's just a skull afterall." She walked over to the three teens that were huddling together discussing their escape plans out of Azkaban once they get caught. Harry recommended that they become a part of the CIA in America and pretend that they are normal and didn't just summon the Dark Mark.

"Guys?" Alanna asked.

"Yeah but there are wizards in America remember?" Hermione told them. Harry hit himself on the head.

"The moon?" Ron asked.

"How about we shrink down to microscopic size?" That came from Harry.

"The moon?" Ron asked again.

"Guys?" Alanna repeated. They still didn't seem to hear her. She cleared her throat. "GUYS!"

"What do you want?" Ron asked patience running short. "Can't you see that we're organizing an escape plan?"

"Yes I can. But I really don't see how this is a big deal," she told them. Many mages in Tortall accidentally summoned a green skull into the air that looked very much like the Dark Mark, and nothing happened to them.

"ARE YOU BLOODY INSANE?" Ron wailed. Neal, who was eavesdropping, covered his ears from his voice.

"He is," Alanna said as she pointed to Neal. "I'm not."

"Switch that around and you have the truth," Neal drawled. Alanna glared.

"I still don't see why this is a problem. And if in some freaky contorted way it is, then we can help you. Follow me, let's go meet the king." She walked off towards the entrance of the gates

"King?" Harry asked as they started off after her.

"Great. Our little 'adventure' and now we're seeing royalty. Fun," Hermione said as she also followed. Ron was still trying to comprehend the fact that they we're about to see a king (and that they summoned the Dark Mark)

OOO

It was a wonderful day for King Jonathan in is wonderfully built wonderful castle that was apparently very—wonderful. There were no wars or anyone he hated (he killed them all). His treasury was exploding with riches and yummy foods, all of the commoners paid their taxes (taxes make him overjoyed), and no one had tried to kill him today (that was a first).

When he looked out the window, he discovered that the grass looked greener and the sky bluer. It could've been because of the threatening skull that was drifting in the air not too far away from the castle walls. Usually something like that would be clearly dangerous, but today he was too happy to be bothered with such things (and his brain couldn't comprehend that it was the size of a walnut. A very stupid walnut, mind.)

A knock on the door brought him back to his desk to hide his action figure dolls that he enjoyed playing with. His favorites were the Kenny and Barbra dolls because they had good looking as—

"Highness?"

"Yes Gary?"

"Visitors."

"You suck."

"You swallow."

Jonathan, who was just then taking a sip of very yummy orange juice, choked. "Just send them in."

A few moments later Alanna, Neal, and three very interestingly dressed kids entered.

"Yes?"

"Jonathan there's a skull in the sky," Alanna said, not even worried about titles.

"Thank you for pointing out the obvious, Alanna," he replied.

"Your Highness," Hermione started with a curtsy (making Harry and Ron snort). "That's not just any skull in the air."

"Yes, now that I look closer it is a very peculiar color of green. Almost a jade green perhaps, but with a hint of emerald on the edges, and I'm guessing that if the sun hit's it the right way, it will have a little yellow tint to it. But then again, I could be completely wrong and it could turn to black. But who am I to know exactly? I must admit that I am quite interested in the way that colors play in our world, but then again I am a fully trained knight and king. And kings do not have time to flutter over pretty colors no matter how…"

"He could go on for hours if you let him," Alanna grumbled to Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

"Good for him. Do you think we can not let him?" Ron asked getting quite annoyed.

"With pleasure," Alanna said with an evil grin. She walked over and, very hard I might add, hit Jonathan of the head.

"Jonathan we don't have time for your speeches about colors. These kids accidentally summoned it, and they say it's really bad that they did so."

"That's because it is Dammit!" Hermione said. "We're totally going to die very painfully if the Order or the Ministry finds out. I'll be expelled! Heaven forbid, this can't be happening to me!"

"Wow slow down their skippy," Neal said overtaken by her emotion.

"How would this Order find out anyway if you're in a totally different land?" Alanna asked them. Harry, Ron, and Hermione (who was sobbing into Ron's shirt) all froze.

"Yeah you know you've got a point there," Harry said as he thought it over.

"Jeez how could we be so stupid!" Hermione said growing happier by the second. "I won't be expelled, I won't be expelled!"

"She won't be expelled! Er—I mean, We won't be expelled!" Ron cried, almost giving away his crush for Hermione.

"You won't be expelled?"

"You would've gotten expelled?"

"What the bloody hell does expel mean?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "We still have another problem however. How the moose crap are we going to get home?"

"I think Numair can help with that," Jonathan said as he summoned one of his runners to fetch him.

"What's a Numair?" Ron asked. Harry and Hermione also looked quite confused.

"Numair is the best mage in the realm, and he can probably get you home. If not Daine can always get a dragon to get you home."

"You have dragons?" Ron asked. "What kind? Chinese Fireball, Antipodean Opaleye, Hungarian Horntail, Norwegian Ridgeback—"

"A whatie what?" Asked Jonathan. "We don't own dragons. They are their own kind, and are very intelligent. They live in the realms of the gods, and are all one species."

"um…kaaaay," Ron said. He nudged Harry on the side and muttered in his ear," This guy needs to take care of his mental problems. And soon, I fear for his people." Both of them snorted and Hermione rolled her eyes.

"You wanted me sire?" asked a really tall guy who was outrageously tall and had long black hair.

"Looks like we found Hargrid another friend," Harry whispered to them.

"Yes, Numair. These three need help getting home to their realm, they accidentally got here somewhere."

"They're wizards, and they used a potion," Alanna informed.

"A really nasty potion mind you! It was so disgusting, remind me to never drink Hermione's potions ever again!" Ron cried. For such an outburst he was awarded with a kick from Hermione.

"It think I know a potion that can get them home," Numair said. "Follow me."

OOO

"I TAKE THAT BACK! _THIS _ IS THE NASTIEST THING I HAVE EVER EATEN. THIS IS TWENTY BILLION TIMES WORSE THEN HERMIONE'S! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! WHAT DO YOU EAT FOR BREAKFAST, BUGGERS! I'M SURE YOU WEIRDOS ACTUALLY ENJOY EATING THIS CRAP! IN FACT THIS IS CRAP—ONLY WORSE! THIS IS RUBBER BAND TASTING CRAP WITH LIZARD EYES, TOENAILS, EVIL VILE SLIME, ROTTEN BANANA PEELS, BLUE CHEESE, AND DUCT TAPE MASHED TOGETHER WITH TOXIC GOO! OMY—I AM GOING TO PUKE. AND THEN I'M GOING TO PUKE AGAIN FROM TASTING THE PUKE AGAIN WHEN I'M PUKING, AND THEN I'M GOING TO PUKE AGAIN FROM SEEING MY OWN PUKE! I'M GOING TO BE SICK, AND THEN I'M GONNA DIE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Would you just shut it Ron!" cried Hermione as she herself was gagging on the potion.

Numair was happy when they finally disappeared; they were starting to give him a headache. The king beside him also seemed to be in the same condition.

"Highness?" said a messenger. "There is a visitor for you. He sys his name is Lord Voldemort. Says something about the skull in the air belonging to him."

"I'll see to it right away," the king said.

OOO

"Well that was a fun adventure," Harry said delighted once they were back in the common room.

"You have no idea how much I hate you right now," Hermione grumbled as she wiped dirt off of her robes.

"So, anyone hungry?" Ron asked.

"I thought you just said you we're going to puke," Hermione said

"I don't feel like it anymore."

"You scare me."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"I wouldn't consider it one."

"Neither would I, but I'll make an exception for you."

Hermione rolled her eyes and headed towards the great hall with Harry and Ron in pursuit.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA—ahem.

Heehee that was so fun.

Now give me ideas! Grr.

Replies:

Megster: Ah yes. Well pointless is my middle name.

Sull: Yea I loved the slumber party one. Well I hope this chapter gave you some satisfaction. If not I'll have to kill you. Hahahahahahahaha! Just kidding—just kidding! Lol.

HyperLittleCat: Darn it! I hate school too. Except I get to see my friends and get in trouble with the teachers. I'm a freaking class clown and always get in trouble for doing stupid stuff during lunch with my friends. It's fun. But anyway, My spelling is crap so ya. And I like to kill Jon.

Jeweled Rose: grr I hate that when it happens to me. Lol. Dude a fellow Liam hater! Yes….I love hating Liam. He's such an ass. Well I must say that I do have a slight talent for the art of killing people I hate. I'm also kinda random and stuff so that's why all of this is kinda—let's just say—creative. I love your story by the way. Long live KN! You are welcome to steal the pet pig line if you still want to.

Ethuiliel: Yes I myself have aliens as siblings. And my little sister…don't even want to start on that. What pairings should I do? I want to do a crazy one. Maybe a Owen/Kel. That would be so weird.

Hahahahahahaha!

Funny monkey.

What the?

"Some people remind me of a slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."

-heartdamoose's shirt

lol.


	11. The life of a Day in the Crazy World

Okay you guys, I'm getting serious now. I can not think of an idea for the life of me. You're gonna have to give me some otherwise I will be updating much slower.

Now just for your sanity I'll do this chapter. But I must warn you that it is totally pointless, fluffy, stupid, pointless, lacking major plotline, sarcastic, and pointless—with fluff. And it will be like all of the past chapters combined together—like it's after the Tortall Olympics, Emmy is still here, Kel and Dom are together, and cleon and everyone is alive, but don't worry, I'll kill them again.

Disclaimer: It belongs to TP, JK, and JRR. Yes there is LOTR and HP in here. And star wars. Thank god I don't own star wars.

Whee.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was a wonderful day for Nealan of Queenscove as he skipped down the hall with a joyous gait. Many of the people stared as they wondered what the hell was wrong with him, but he seemed to ignore them. Or maybe he didn't even notice in the first place.

Anyway, Neal was extremely hungry because he hadn't eaten since his second breakfast that morning. Now if you must know, Neal was half hobbit from his mother's side. He therefore had a—let's just say gifted—appetite.

When Neal opened the large doors to the mess hall, everyone was inside munching away on their wonderful food.

"HELLO THERE MY WONDERFUL EATING FRIENDS!" cried Neal. He was in such a good mood that he decided to bellow across the whole mess hall at his friends for no apparent reason. And the bellow was indeed quite loud.

OOO

Far far away at the same time…

"Justin what is it?" a women with brown hair and blue eyes asked to her partner in psychic ability.

Justin shook his head dramatically as he closed his eyes. "I don't know," he said seriously. "I sense—a disturbance."

OOO

Er…anyway…

Everyone dropped their utensils in surprise, and the unlucky few who had knives, got awarded with knives stabbed into their legs and sticking out of their eyes in clumsiness.

One such person just happened to be Cleon.

The stupid person—though calling him such would be an insult to stupid people—fell to the ground and started to twitch insanely like a fish would when not in a fish bowl.

Everyone began to laugh and dance in happiness now that the bulky—thing—though that is taking it mildly—was dead.

Kel herself was going into hysterics in happiness, but then she realized that she was showing her emotions. So she stopped her dancing like a monkey and instead continued to eat while everyone else was jumping around and tripping over stuff.

"WHAT THE—OOF!" was one such cry from the King's advisor Emmy. Of course everyone was used to such cries from the clumsy girl because she was so damn clumsy. In fact, Emmy was so clumsy that she lived in the infirmary so she wouldn't fall nor do anything suicidal on her way to the infirmary when she already did something suicidal or fall in the first place.

"This is the jolliest jollyful jolly thing that has ever jollyfuly happened in my jolly life!" Owen said enthusiastically. He then however couldn't say anything else "jolly" because Emmy fell on him.

"Er what a jolly hello," he said with Emmy lying on top of him. "Jolly to make your jolly aquatince?"

Now you must understand that in the world that Emmy comes from the word jolly means, "kiss me I think you're hot." So for such a remark from Owen, he was rewarded with many juicy kisses from the clumsy girl.

Owen's eyes grew wide in surprise, but then he realized that he had a crush on Emmy and began to kiss her back.

"PARTY IN MY HOBBIT HOLE! I MEAN ROOM!" Neal said rather loudly. In fact it was so loud that people from miles away heard him clearly.

OOO

"Daine what is it?" Numair asked kindly as he smiled at her.

Daine screwed her face quite confused. "I don't know, but it sounds like a dying animal."

OOO

"This is a rather good apple don't you think Pip?" asked Merry in a cheery voice as he ate his red, ripe apple down to the very last seeds. Pippin nodded and bit into his fifth apple. Why? Because hobbits have quite an appetite.

"Very good I must say. If only Frodo were here to enjoy the flavor. But he had to run away on a pretty boat because he couldn't suck it up and continue his old life like it was with a missing finger," Pippin said with his mouth full of apple. They were in the middle of a large field having a birthday party for—a hobbit that isn't important. And everyone who was anyone was there.

All of a sudden there was a large cry from the distance. It sounded something like. "ASLSKDFJFJJELKSDFEI!" everyone stopped their merry dancing and perked their ears up to hear the voice.

"OI! That's blsdfhekfhish for 'let's get this party off the heezy yo!'" said a hobbit who was sitting on a barrel of ale. Everyone spoke amongst themselves in shock.

"Well then let's do what the voice says!" cried a guy who looked a lot like some guy in a scary movie that heartdamoose had seen a while ago.

Suddenly there was cool techno music with awesome beats and digital words that you can't understand because they were digital.

Everyone began to dance like they would at a club and got their funk on—yo.

Suddenly Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli magically came out of the bushes.

"Hey this isn't the underwear store!" Legolas said frustrated. Legolas loved to buy underwear. "Dammit Aragorn did you use the floopowder wrong _again_? This is the third time in the past—." Legolas looked at his Harry Potter watch. "two and a half minutes!"

"Keep you're bow on legolas," Aragorn said as he got out another batch of floopowder. However Legolas didn't have his bow, so he couldn't take it off. I don't know why this is important, but what ever. "Let's try again guys."

"No," Gimli said as he stared at the hobbit party in front of them. "They have—salted pork."

"Yes the salted pork is particularly good," Pippin said as he walked over to his friends. "What the Sauron are you doing here?"

Legolas winced and then angrily said, "DON NOT SPEAK THE DARK LORD'S NAME IN VEIN!"

Everyone looked at Legolas shocked and bewildered. Even though shocked and bewildered mean the same thing, so basically they were shocked squared.

"Legolas," Gimli started with wide eyes. He was drooling insanely because of the smell of salted pork. "I didn't know you were a deatheater. Though I would expect no less from elves."

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," Legolas said rather darkly.

Then Alanna burst out of the bushes with a yelp. "Damn that floopowder," she muttered as she brushed herself off. Everyone stared at the girl with freaky purple eyes.

"OMY THIS IS JUST UNCALL-."

"Oh shush you!" Alanna said violet eyes burning in irritation. "I've already had enough of that with all of these crazy kids coming to Tortall and everything."

Everyone exchanged glances. Then Aragorn said, "why are you even here?"

Alanna froze for a second as she tried to remember. "Oh yes." She cleared her throat as if preparing to recite an emotional speech that makes you cry. "I have come here to discuss with you the fact that this is supposed to take place in Tortall and not wherever the heck this is. Children are the future. Save the whales. This speech has been brought to you by the Salted Pork Foundation. May the Salted Pork be with you."

Gimli began to froth at the mouth. "Salted—pork."

Someone sniffled from the back of the staring hobbits. "That was touching Lioness."

Alanna froze. Then coldly said in shock, "Who are you, and how the shmer (A/N: new word) do you know my name?"

No answer came.

"Well back to the topic," Aragorn said. He was never one to drift to other things. "Why is this even in Middle Earth anyway?"

All of the hobbits exchanged glances and agreed with nods of their heads. One hobbit however piped up. "Well we heard this voice. It went something like SLDKGHRKENF!"

"No it was more like GKHDKLGHR!" disagreed a different hobbit.

"I'm positive it was EIEREIRCMJC!" explained another hobbit. "And us Everears are good listeners!"

"Everear? You can't hear a damn thing!" shot back a very small hobbit. Don't let his size fool you however, his voice was quite loud and annoying with a loudness that was so annoying that it made even the most loud and annoying people very irritated and noisy—or loud and annoying.

Soon enough the hobbits had started a nuclear war.

"Well whatever that noise was, I'm positive it was from a certain knight that I know in my land. So if I can please leave?" Alanna asked rather rudely.

"Don't you want a spot of tea 'ere or some cheese?" asked a drifting hobbit as he walked up to the Lioness. Then a quite murderous hobbit dragged him back into the fight.

"Please leave before the publicity comes and puts us in museums," Gimli said as he chewed on some salted pork that he stole. Legolas however wasn't paying attention to the conversation. He was instead trying to summon the dark lord. Thank Mithros it wasn't working.

"Who's Mithros?" Aragorn asked as he scratched his head. Aragorn had very bad dandruff you see, and couldn't help such monkeyish behavior.

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS MORTAL! Boomed a voice from above them.

"Well I'm gonna go now," Alanna said quickly. If Mithros was going to do something evil and disgusting to the people here, she didn't even want to be near watching distance. She quickly got a handful of floopowder and stepped back into the bushes.

And to home she er flew? How do they travel in floopowder?

Suddenly, danger had come. Apparently Legolas's plan to summon the Dork Lord had succeeded.

OOO

(A/N: and now what you have been waiting for! A very long, romantic, yummy, KD moment.)

Now back in Tortall, everyone was beginning to calm down from Neal's explosion and Cleon's much wanted death.

Kel was overjoyed about Cleon's death, and went to her lover's room to tell him the great news. She knocked on his door and grinned when Dom opened the door with bleary eyes and only breeches on. Dom obviously loved his sleep.

Kel didn't know what she was doing until she put her lips on his and kissed him sweetly. Dom was also quite surprised because he had no idea why the heck his lover was at her front door, that it was morning, and why she was so happy, and that she kissed him.

"Er…hi to you to?" he said as he welcomed her into his room. He however couldn't keep his arms off of her and wrapped her around her hips for another electrifying kiss.

"I love you," he whispered his lips only scant centimeters apart from hers. Their hot breaths blew on each other's cheeks making the room seem a lot hotter then it actually was. He kissed her fiercely with his arms rising up and down on her back and sides. Kel kissed him back just as hotly as she pressed one of her hands on his chest and the other around his neck to deepen the kiss.

What Kel was here for was soon forgotten as they were taken away in each other's love.

Kel rubbed her hand on Dom's chest as she felt his strong muscles. They broke off the kiss as Dom smiled. He then grabbed her shirt hem and slipped it off of her as once again they began another heated kiss. Dom ran his hands up and down her back and sides, not able to keep his hands away from her delicate yet dangerous body. Kel wove her fingers in his beautiful brown hair as they made out like loves sick teenagers for quite a while.

"Why are you here anyway?" he asked her in between kisses.

"Can't I visit my lover's room everyone once and a while?" Kel asked heatedly.

Dom shivered at her voice and smiled as he kissed her yet again.

When they cut off, Kel smiled up at him with bright hazel eyes as Dom led her to his bed. Kel smiled again as she made sure her pregnancy charm was on.

(A/N: that good enough? I must say it was quite fluffy.)

OOO

Today was a happy day for Thom. After the terrible event at the Olympics and him falling apart all over the floor, he was sent to the infirmary immediately. Duke Baird had kept him in the cold and dull place for months as the head healer stapled, taped, and glued him back together. And now Thom was all better and ready to go back to his room.

He walked/skipped/walked-skipped down the hall in happiness not watching where he was going. He didn't care if someone clumsy, stupid, and just plain clumsy and stupid ran him down and blew him into a million pieces. He was too happy to worry about such unhappy things.

Now that however was not a good idea for our least favorite mage Thom. While he was walking towards his room he heard a cry from above him.

"HEY YOU WITH THE HAIR!" said the voice. It was a girl's voice that sounded familiar but alas, poor Thom's memory was forgotten on Duke Baird's table.

OOO

In duke Baird's office…

The duke was very happy to see his patient leave. He was sick of the mage always complaining about the room being too stuffy and saying that he was a powerful mage. Baird didn't give a crap about the twin. He was stupid and smelled of elderberries. And he hated elderberries with a passion, mind.

The duke decided to visit his table. He likes to visit his table you see, and enjoyed looking at the pretty brown wood.

There was however something quite odd on the table. It was purple, slimy, and unattractive. It looked a lot like Thom's nose. Then Duke Baird hit himself on the head.

It wasn't Thom's nose! How could he think of such stupidity?

Baird wasn't exactly sure what it was, he forgot.

His first guess was that it was Thom's memory and that he forgot to put it in. This, he thought, could lead to some difficulty. Thom could be walking down the hall and then suddenly hear a voice above him, it would sound familiar, but he would forget because he had no memory. And then the girl who had talked to him would plummet him to the ground and kill him.

This however was highly unlikely, so Baird just shrugged it off as nonsense.

OOO

"Who me?" Thom asked after the girl had asked the question.

"YES YOU! YOU HAVE HAIR DON'T YOU? WATCH OUT, OR I'LL FALL ON YOUR HEAD AND PLUMMET YOU DOWN TO THE GROUND AND KILL YOU!"

Thom however was too slow to even comprehend what the girl was telling him. The girl crashed on top of his head, plummeted him to the ground, and killed him. Emmy, the girl who was yelling, stood up and brushed herself of.

"That was good fun," she said cheerily as she brushed herself off some more. She then looked at the dead body before her. "Well I warned him." She then skipped off towards the end of the hallway and tripped down several hundred flights of stairs.

She was off again to fall out of nowhere on top of people with hair. It was very fun.

OOO

Neal heard a thump on the ceiling that made him stop whatever he was doing. The thump sounded like one of a dead body being thrown on the ground and kicked around by an evil guy. Shivers crept up Neal's spine, but he soon shook it off as nothing.

Thump 

Was it just Neal's nerves, or did the sound just get louder?

Thump 

Yes it was much louder. Fear crept up Neal's heart as it pumped faster and faster by the second. Whatever the noise was, he didn't want to know, and it better go away soon or he would have to hit something.

_Thump!_

Neal bit his lip. The sound was surely nothing natural. Nothing would thump three times in a row in a beat like this had. And getting louder too. Neal closed his eyes as his ears pricked up waiting for the thump again. He didn't want to hear it, but he couldn't help but listen intently.

_THUMP_

Neal jumped. The thump was right behind his front door.

_THUMP!_

Neal swallowed hard as he stared at the innocent door waiting for something bad to happen. For a ghost to come out, or a monster to eat him up.

_THUMP!_

Neal slowly walked towards the door, his curiosity getting the best of him. If whatever the thing was killed him, then so be it, he just wanted to know.

He put his fingers on the knob. It seemed colder then usual. Neal broke out in cold sweat and shivered with the touch. Dizziness swept over him and he closed his eyes.

He turned the knob and opened it, awaiting the horrors that he would soon endue.

When he opened his eyes, they grew wide in horror as he stifled a scream in fright of what he saw before him. Something he would never forget, something that would haunt his dreams if he even survived to dream again.

"IT'S PIZZA GIRL!" greeted pizza girl loudly. "HI HI HI HI HI! REMEMBER ME! I WAS A YOUR SLEEPY PARTY THINGY MA BOBBER! THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN! YOU GUYS ATE PIZZA, CAUSE I GAVE THE PIZZA TO YOU! DID YOU LIKE THE PIZZA? HUH? HUH? HUH? DIDYA LIKE IT? TELL ME! I LIKE CHEESE! CHEESEY SQUEEZY MC PEEZY! MMM…CHEESE! YUMMY! DO YOU LIKE CHEESE? HUH? HUH? HUH? DO YA? DO HIPPOS EAT CHEESE? OR DO THEY EAT GRASS? I'VE NEVER SEEN A HIPPO BEFORE! I HEARD THAT HIPPOS POOP! HEEHEE POOPY! ONE TIME…THERE WAS THE MONKEY! AND I SAYS TO THE MONKEY, 'HEY MONKEY WHAT IS UP'. BUT THE MONKEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING! IT MADE ME MAD! BUT I'M AAALLLL BETTER! EVEN THOUGH I FORGOT TO GO TO MY ADD THERAPIST, I FEEL AS HAPPY AS EVER! I WISH I COULD EAT SOME CHEESE. DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE? DO YA? DO YA? HUH? DO YA? I THINK YOU DO! YOU'RE JUST HIDING IT! SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS PART MARSHMELLOW! ISN'T THAT THE COOLEST! IF I WAS PART MARSHMELLOW, I WOULD TASTE GOOD! MMM…YUMMY ME! AND I COULD SUMMON FLYING MARSHMELLOWS TO DO MY EVERY COMMAND AND WE COULD PLAY GAMES LIKE TIC TAC TOE! YAY! YAYAYAYAYAYAY! WOOT!"

"Oh gods please help me," Neal whispered. And then he fainted from trauma from what he had just heard and seen.

OOO

Now back in Middle Earth something quite amazing, bad, and just plain freaky had happened. Legolas had summoned the dark lord. Or had he?

"This can't be the dark lord! He looks nothing like he does in the Harry Potter series!" retorted Aragorn as he stared at the man before him. Legolas also seemed quite confused.

"He looks like Sauron!" exclaimed A hobbit that had escaped from the nuclear war that was still happening.

"No he doesn't!" said another hobbit. "They have the same overly large nose, but they don't have the same hair cut!"

"Well he's wearing Sauron's clothes! And he could have gone to the barber shop laddy!" said Gimli as she—_he _looked closely at him.

There was a pop from behind the bushes and two men and a green thing stumbled out.

"Damn that floo powder we must," said the green thing dressed in robes. He had long ears and was very hairy and wrinkly.

"Count Dooku!" said a younger teen as he stormed over to the evil guy. The boy took out a piece of metal. The metal then turned into a blue glowy stick thing that looked dangerous. The stick thing went, 'buzzbuzzwheeowheeobuzzhisswhee'.

"You have found me Anakin/guy who will soon turn evil but doesn't know it yet." Said the guy who looked like Count Dooku and Sauron at the same time. His voice was freakishly low and evil in every way.

"But aren't you Sauron!" asked Aragorn confused and angry. He also was a hint horrified that these freaky guys with glowy sticks came over here and that this evil dude was here.

"Yes. I am both."

"Then we shall kill you we will," said the old, hairy, green thingy. "I need to stop talking like this I must."

"Shut up Yoda," said the teenager called Anakin.

"Shut up I will."

Anakin hit himself on the head. Then turned his attention to the present problem. "You shall die Dooku/evil guy!"

"I will not," he said calmly. "I am your father."

Anakin froze. "No wait that isn't right. You can't be my father, because I'm going to be the father of this guy when I'm all evil and stuff. And then I'm gonna cut off his hand and say 'I am your father' to him. And you are not my father anyway. My father works at Gringotts."

"How do you know these things!" cried Dooku/Sauron.

Anakin shrugged. "Easy. The last three movies came out before the first three. I still don't know why they did that, but," he only shrugged again.

"Wait, movies?" asked count/Sauron. "What do you mean movies?"

Anakin froze. "Er…movies as in cheese?"

"Oh. Then you shall die!"

It turns out that Dooku also had a glowy stick thingy that was the color red. It was glowy and sticky and made funny noises. Anakin and Dooku then began a violent fight with the things as if they were swords.

Aragorn grew quite jealous as he watched the two fight with their hard core skills. They had a lot of fast moves and cool flips and jumps and stuff that made him look like a fish dueling with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich compared to them.

Then all of a sudden Anakin got all hurt and stuff when the burning glowy thing touched his side. Anakin collapsed as he said rude things to Dooku.

"No!" cried the other human guy with a glowy stick. He rushed out with his stick and began to fight for him.

"No Obi don't!" cried Anakin as he lied on the ground in pain. "You can't die now, because I have to kill you and make you fall off of a cliff!"

"Don't worry about it," Obi yelled over the hum of the sticks. The Middle Earth guys watched intently transfixed on the glowy sticks.

"He must fight, he must," Yoda said to Anakin.

Anakin glared daggers at Yoda for talking like that again.

"I'm sorry I am," Yoda said. Then Yoda hit himself on the head for being so stupid.

Then Obi killed the Dooku/dark lord/Sauron guy and everyone was happy. Aragorn died of shame because he wasn't a good fighter, and Pippin was crowned king. Even though he wasn't at all human—or intelligent.

OOO

The life at Tortall continued and everyone was happy even though Pizza girl was lurking the palace and Emmy was falling on people with hair.

Then End

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Um…yea that was even more pointless then the Emmy one.

Oh yes, and vote for your favorite chappie out of all of them! The winner of the vote will be continued in another chapter!

Replies:

HyperLittleCat: hihihihihihi! Heehee that would be quite strange to have them enslave Tortall. But it would be funn. Funn. Don't let the CIA catch you. I spotted them looking for something in your neighborhood. Did you hide something? I wont blow it up tho I promise!

Arwen-Dragonrider: hi lo! That's OK, as much as homework is evil, we have to do it. You sneaked! Ooo how dedicated! Very nice! Thanx!

Sull89: I liked that line too. Okay I wont kill you…I don't want to kill you anyway. You write such nice reviews that there is no point to! Mmm…food. Yes food is very good. Especially sugar. Sugar good…

Jeweled Rose: Was this chap fluffy enough? The next one will be super fluffy I promise. If you vot for the KF chap as your favorite there will be tons of KF fluff and Neal moments. Lol. How exciting!

Ethuiliel: yo! Yes I have very talented shirts! Baird/Kel! What is wrong with you woman! Omy—that is so nasty. Wow…(goes to therapy) you scared me for life. Baird Kel? Jeez…what is in that mind of yours.

Queenofdakittys: mmm biscuit. Thank you! How was the KD in this one? Yes the lst chappie was really funny! I liked it a lot! Mmm…story yummy…


	12. Flying Pigs

Okay just yesterday, I got a genius idea for another chappie thingy. Lol I thought it was really funny…and cute, but think what you must!

It's going to be a chapter where Kel and Neal accidentally switch minds. Lol…you can just imagine. And it's during Page. So basically Kel has to act like Neal, and Neal has to act like Kel (and Neal takes all the crap of being a girl).

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Come on Neal! Don't tell me you can't do any better!" Kel teased as she held up a wooden practice sword, and beckoned her best friend over to her to face his match.

"Well I'm sorry Miss Pro Sword Yamani Buff Girl!" Neal insulted has he wiped sweat from his forehead. He panted in front of her with his practice sword held to his side.

"That was the lamest nickname I have ever her in my life," Kel pointed out bluntly as she too put her sword down.

Neal smiled evilly. "I guess you haven't heard many nicknames then," he drawled. However his comeback wasn't good enough for Keladry of Mindelan.

"Not as much as you have."

"Meanie."

"Now look who can't come up with the good nicknames."

Neal stuck out his tongue. "Meanie is a perfectly good nickname."

"Meathead."

"Hey!" Neal said pointing at her in an accusing voice. "You don't learn that nickname until Book three!"

"You know, you have a point there…"

Neal smiled crossing his arms on his chest lazily. "Sir Nealan always has the point my dear girl. I bet you wish you were me, so you could always have the point too."

"Chh! Like I would want to be you!"

Neal gave her a surprised look before glaring at her with his nose up in the air. "Just like I would want to be the Yamani Lump!"

"Face it Neal, you know you want to be just like me."

Neal stared at her taken aback. "Me?" he said pointing at himself. "Be _you? _When pigs fly!"

**_THEN SO BE IT! _**Boomed a voice above them from higher then the clouds. The voice hurt their ears and made them go to their knees as they covered them.

The last thing they both saw was a particularly fat pig standing over them wings spread from landing on the ground.

OOO (A/N: wow….that lacked major point. Okay from now on when I say Neal, it's Neal in Kel's body. And when I say Kel, it's Kel in Neal's body.)

When they woke up a while later, they found themselves in Kel's room, sprawled across the ground. Why they were in there however, isn't at all important, so don't worry about it.

Neal sat up clutching his head. It felt like he just fell off of his horse on his head, and it hurt massively. Deciding that he wasn't at all a buff Yamani that could deal with pain, he summoned his gift. 

One problem however: his gift didn't come.

"Hey Kel?" he asked as he turned towards her. His eyes grew wide in horror. "OH—MY—OH—OH—MY—WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AH! AH! AH! WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY AM I—WHO AM—WHAT AM—GAH!" Neal froze and touched his face. "Am I dead? Did I pass on to the Black Gods domain and not even notice? Was the flying pig a sign from the god of pigs? _Is _there a god of pigs? I wouldn't really know. I was never one to study the gods, but I guess it could be possible. Numair would probably know. He's so obsessed with those types of things anyway. Perhaps I should go ask him. If only I weren't dead. Yes, that serves as quite a problem. Well since Daine is half goddess anyway she could always come over here and tell me. But then again it clearly states in book four that she can't visit the god's realms anymore cause she already caused enough mass destruction there. But then again I already am in the realms of the dead, so I can just go ask the Black God myself. Yes, I could just go a'knockin on his door and ask. But wait, does the black god speak? I wouldn't know of course, I've never met him personally. Maybe Numair would know…oh no wait I'm dead. Daine—oh no wait. How about the."

"NEAL WOULD YOU JUST SHUT IT!" Cried Kel exasperated and very cross. She stood in front of her mirror touching her cheek. She looked exactly like Neal. Same eyes, same messy hair, everything. Gods this is a big problem. Neal stared at her.

"So I'm not dead?" he asked as he stood up to walk over to the mirror and look to see Kel as himself. It sent shivers up his spine.

"No Neal, you're not dead," Kel said as if she was talking to a very stupid kid, only the kid didn't understand.

"I guess I can't ask the Black God then…"

"Neal, pay attention to the current problem here!" Kel cried panicked. Neal stared at her, surprised to see her show so much of her emotion. It also looked quite amusing to see himself yelling at himself, wait…. That is so confusing…but it still looked funny.

"So what are we going to do?" Neal asked as he stared at Kel.

Kel shrugged in Neal's body. "Try and find a way out of it I guess. In the mean time we will just have to act like each other."

"You're kidding me. I have to act like a girl?" Neal cried as he turned around so his back was facing Kel.

"Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?" Kel asked amazed as she stared at the back of her own head. She gripped the back of her head to only feel Neal's smooth brown hair.

Neal turned around eyes blazing. "I don't care," he said bluntly. "I'm going to be stuck in your body forever, and I don't care about your hair now. As much as I never noticed how messy my hair actually is, I can't believe this is actually happening. I'll be the second Lady Knight in a century but I'll actually be a boy. Wow it would be like totally opposite of what Alanna did…that is really hard core. I'll have to act like you. The emotionless kick butt girl. I'll be bullied and harassed! My life is ruined!"

Kel stared at her breaking down body as Neal panicked. "Calm down Neal. All that we have to do is act like what body we are while we try to find a way to get out of it."

Neal nodded and shrugged. "Easy enough I guess."

Kel glared at Neal as she tried to act like Neal. "I'm really hungry. Can we go to dinner now? Don't make me eat my vegetables please! I hope the Stump doesn't make us add another weight thingie. I think you're hot Daine. You may not have noticed, but I write poetry to you. My friends say they're horrible, but I'm too IGNORANT and PATHETIC to listen to them. I hope my high ego and sharp tongue never get me in trouble, though it has happened before."

Neal cuffed Kel's ear before she continued on. He was blushing crazily from having his crush on Daine exposed; though they were the only two in the room.

"No blushing," Kel said cuffing his ear back. Neal glared, then remembering that where Kel came from that was disrespectful, he tried to make as straight of a face as possible.

"I am stone. I am stone. Water is the pain stuff, and since I am a cool Yamani guy, I have to make it wash off of me or whatever they say. I like to beat people's butts for fun, and I can fight with a long stick with a piece of metal on the top."

"I do NOT act like that."

"That's where you're wrong…er…sir?"

Kel rolled her eyes. "Come on, dinner is starting soon."

They both ran out the door trying to act like each other as much as possible as to not give each other away. They especially didn't want Wyldon to suspecting anything. That would be horrible.

OOO

When they entered the mess hall, along with many other latecomers, they grabbed their food and sat down with the rest of their friends. Wyldon scowled at the lot of them for being so cheery and young. Unlike him who was old, fat, old, and had an ego that was too high for his own good—and the good of others.

Wyldon stood up along with the others to recite his prayer.

"Mithros, my favorite god above all others. We pray that you will shine your light on me to make me famous and get me out of the hole of ratty teenagers. I ignore you Goddess and will forever, I will never recite your name respectfully in my prayers. And anyone except for the goddess, here my cry to get the lump out of my life. She is a girl, and as a girl, she is too girlie to be a guy. And therefore not a knight. Because knights are guys. And since my prayers are not easy to follow, I hope she doesn't understand what the Mithros I am talking about. So mote it be."

Kel began to fume as she sat among her friends. Her face—or more like Neal's face—grew hot in anger.

"Neal why are you so mad? If anyone would surely be mad, it should be Kel," said Faleron as he dug into his food.

"Oh I'm _really _mad," Neal said unconvincingly. He brought his bowl of soup to his lips and slurped half of it up before continuing again. "You just can't tell because of my cool Yamani stuff that I can do."

Everyone stared at Neal strangely, wondering what the noodle had happened to Kel. Kel was hitting her head on the table repeatedly. When at last she was done, she dug into her vegetables.

"Neal you're eating your vegetables!" Owen pointed out surprised as he pointed to Kel. Kel froze, a large piece of carrot stuffed in her mouth. With an inner groan, she spit the carrot back out of her mouth and into a napkin.

"Was that what I was eating?" Kel asked stiffly with much worse acting skills then Neal. "I thought it was my dessert."

"Ke—Neal eat your vegetables," Neal said evilly as he ate a buttered roll.

Kel glared, and then popped another carrot into her mouth swallowing it hardly.

"Kel, my flawless euphoria to the sentiment vascular soul of my constitutional inamorato, why haven't you eaten your vegetables?" Cleon asked in his loverish voice. Neal nearly puked in disgust to find that the oaf was flirting with him.

"Oh go read a dictionary, Cleon," Neal retorted in a very unlike Kel way. In fact, it so much unlike Kel that everyone in hearing distance gasped in awe. Kel nearly fainted from Neal's stupidity. This was going to need getting used to. His friends gave Neal who was actually in Kel's body, confused looks.

"Because I—already had my share of vegetables for the day," Neal said thinking fast. His friends all nodded at him strangely, thinking.

"Okay what is wrong with you two?" Roald demanded flatly as he stared at the two of them. Kel and Neal exchanged sheepish looks before looking at the prince.

Kel smiled the most Nealish smile she could muster. "Nothing is wrong dear boy," she drawled biting into a roll. Roald gave her an unconvinced look. "Let's just say it was a dare." Kel said. All of her friends smiled at each other wondering whatever the dare could be.

Neal felt like he could have sacrificed himself ten times over, jumped off of Balor's needle, schooled Mithros in sculpting, and sang to Daine all of his soppiest poems, he was so thankful. Though he then realized that that wouldn't be a good idea to do such things, so instead he just sat there.

"And what would the dare be?" Seaver asked curious.

"Well Ne—Kel and I were practicing in the court yards and we made a bet. If Kel won, I would have to try and act like her, and of I won, Kel would have to ask Lord Wyldon out."

"So who won?" Owen asked excited. "Oh no wait. It was Kel right?"

"How'd you guess," Neal said sarcastically. Everyone stared at her strangely. Kel was rarely sarcastic. In fact it was almost like Neal WAS Kel. Which was true—except they didn't know that.

"Um." Kel started.

"We have to go," Neal said quickly taking Kel quickly and dragging her up and out the door leaving very confused friends.

OOO

What they thought was a disaster in the mess hall last night was soon a miracle sent from Mithros, then blessed by the Goddess. Practice so far was not going too well. Not well at all. Especially when Neal had to ride Peachblossom.

_Ouch._

Neal eyed the large gelding nervously as Kel stood behind him—actually her—great, thanks for confusing me. Peachblossom stared at the two of them confused, with ears flat against his head and lips peeled up to show flat, yet terrifyingly big teeth.

"Can't we just ride out normal mounts?" Neal hissed with a whisper as he looked at himself. Kel shook her head.

"It wouldn't be as convincing," she said in an equally quiet voice. Then to Peachblossom she said, "Behave. If you don't I swear there will be no more oats for you."

The gelding stepped back and blew into Kel's face before submitting to her orders. Neal carefully saddled and mounted Peachblossom, as Kel did the same to Neal's black and white smudged mare, Snowdrop.

"Get into line Mindelan!" bellowed Wyldon as he looked at Neal with his harsh glare reserved for girls who were training to be knights.

Neal swore under his breath and nudged the gelding back into line as they walked around the palace. The horse also seemed to be having enough of this.

If we don't find a cure to this soon, I will throttle someone's neck and eat them alive. Wyldon fits perfectly for such sacrifice, Neal thought evilly as he walked with the rest of the pages. When he looked over at Kel/himself, she too seemed to be having much difficulty with Snowdrop, though it wasn't nearly as hard as keeping control over Peachblossom.

Suddenly Peachblossom had an idea to be very evil. He sniggered in a horseish way, and began to buck about crazily. Neal gave a series of chaotic screams and cries as he tried to hold on for his life. So far Neal's day hadn't gone as he planned.

"Calm your horse Kel/Girl Who I single Out all the Time Because I am a Feminist!" bellowed Wyldon in his strict voice reserved for girls.

However Neal didn't hear him because his yells were too loud. In fact, his yells were so loud that people in totally different dimensions heard him.

OOO

"I hear it again," Justin said as he closed his eyes and clutched his head in his hands. His partner in the psychic department put her hand on his shoulder.

"Just hang in there Justin, everything will be okay," she reassured stroking his back.

Justin nodded weakly, sweat flying off of his brow. "I know. It's just so—disturbing."

OOO

_Um…what?_

Neal had finally calmed Kel's horse enough to dismount. When he did so, he fell to the ground. Kel and Merric came over worried. Kel, in Neal's body, took Peachblossom by the reins calming him down. She didn't notice all of the pages wild stares at the sight of Neal calming the wild horse. Wyldon also wasn't expecting such interesting actions from Queenscove.

"Get off of your bum Mindelan!" ordered Wyldon in his strict voice. Neal moaned and lurched back up to his feet with Merric's help. Kel glared at him with a look that said, 'why did you do that? You just made a total fool of myself! Now the boys will never live this down! Thanks a lot Queenscove!'

Neal gave an apologizing look before staring into Wyldon's murderous eyes. Kel stood next to him backing him up.

"What has gotten into you two?" Demanded Wyldon with a look that could not only peel wallpaper, but could probably detonate it with a detonation system so detonatingly explosivetastic that it could detonate even the toughest and most detonatively proof wallpapers known to the detonaters of the detonating world.

_What the?_

"It's almost like you two have switched minds!" Wyldon yelled to them. Neal and Kel exchanged shocked looks before looking into Wyldon's firey eyes once again.

"You see Stu—_My Lord,_" Neal said with a drawl only Neal could produce. "Ke—Neal has been having a very bad day today. I'm sure he would love to tell it to you, but it would bring up unhealed scars." Neal then nudged Wyldon with his elbow on the training master's bad arm. "If you know what I mean."

Wyldon rubbed his bad arm unconsciously before speaking once again. "I see. But I still will have none of this behavior. I thought you knew better Mindelan. Though I would expect no less from a girl. You will help with the laundry for one bell on Saturday."

Neal gave a surprised look. "Bu—." He then remembered that he was supposed to be Kel. The Kel who always accepted punishments with no emotion. Stiffly, he bowed wondering how Kel lived like this. It was craziness surely.

Minutes later Wyldon excused them and they rushed to the palace for dinner.

OOO

The next morning Kel and Neal decided to be bad asses and skip classes the whole day. They had to find a way to get back into their own bodies and fast. And what better way to look for a cure then the market?

They went through a secret passage out of the palace, why there was a secret passage way however was not at all any of there concern and never will be. They were not secret passageway specialists.

When they did come out of the passage way they were shocked to find that they stumbled upon an old spooky graveyard that was old, spooky, ancient, and terrifying all at the same time.

Kel and Neal stopped in the middle of the graveyard when they felt someone watching them.

"Neal?"

"Yes Kel?"

"I think we're lost."

"Nonsense. You can't get lost in the a deserted graveyard in the middle of a busy city."

"Then we must have achieved the impossible."

Now I don't know if you've ever been in a spooky graveyard with no one but your friend with you, but it's not something I would not recommend—unless of course you happen to be dead. (In which case you should not be reading this. So stop it! This is not a story for ghosts!)

Kel and Neal walked some more.

"Do you think there are wolves here?" asked Neal nervously. He never liked wolves.

"How would I know Neal? I've never been here before!"

As they walked some more in silence, Neal couldn't help but think there was a wolf following them. Waves of fear crept up his body making his heart beat faster by the second.

There was a growl from behind them.

They quickly turned around, Neal shaking in fear that it was a wolf.

However it clearly wasn't.

Neal's relief that it wasn't a wolf lasted approximately half a second.

"Wow..." was all that Kel could say as she stared at the giant thing in front of them. It looked to be a giant—mushroom.

Interesting 

However that mushroom looked anything but friendly.

"GROWL," growled the mushroom. "GURGLE, HACK, TERRIFYING YELL, NEIGH, WEESNAW."

"What's it saying?" Neal asked.

Kel shrugged. She got her conveniently packed Monster Mushroom Translator out of her pocket to use. She knew it would come in handy some day. "It says if you want the thermometer to eat the wombat's organs with a noodle up his ear, then you have to eat the pickle while tap dancing to the tune…what the heck?"

"Hmm. Funny I've never heard of a tune like that," Neal said deep in thought.

Kel hit him upside the head and then hit her own in her own idiocy. "Silly me. It was on the wrong setting. Much better. It says you shall not pass unless you give me a—shrubbery?" Neal shrugged, as Kel looked up at the evil mushroom thingy.

"What do you want a shrubbery for?" Neal asked to the mushroom.

"LOUD SCREAM, WOOP, LAUGH, GIGGLE, MEEP."

"It says it wants a shrubbery so that his backyard will look nice and pretty," Kel translated.

"A PATH! A PATH!"

Oh shush you!   
And so Kel and Neal went on a quest in the lands of attacking bunnies and old guys who appear out of nowhere to find a shrubbery. It only just so happened that they found the Holy Grail at the same time.   
(A/N: Now if you have no idea what I am talking about, watch the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and maybe you will understand.)   
They went on to the market with their small quest completed.   
The market streets were busy and bright with nobles and commoners wishing to sell goods. Kids played in the streets, many of them reaching into nobles' purse pockets, while their mothers dragged them out of the streets and onto safe grounds. Everywhere people were throwing goods at them asking them to buy. "Bit o' unicorn hair for better hearing?" asked an ugly commoner with a missing eye. 

"Er…no thanks," Neal said shaking his head.

"Cup O' noodles for good luck to your love?" asked a poor woman with stained clothes.

"Thanks, no." Kel said.

"Troll eye for clean teeth?"

"No."

"Toe of Numair for an extra head?"

_What?_

"No! We don't want to buy any of your—whatever the heck they are!" Kel yelled at the crowds throwing goods in their faces.

"Are you sure laddy?" Asked a poorly dressed man holding what looked like a hippo's ear in a jar.

"Well actually we _were _looking for something…" Neal started looking at Kel who was himself at the time.

"Ah. Were you looking for mustard guts? You know, for your armpit?"

Kel hit her head on her palm. "No. We. Are. Not," she said hotly. "Do you have something that can switch peoples minds?"

The merchants and traders stared at them while they thought.

"Aye, alas I think not," an old trader informed stroking his chin. "Never heard of anything like that."

Everyone else nodded in agreement.

"Um okay then," Neal said and they started back towards the palace deep in thought of what to try next.

OOO

They still hadn't thought of anything and the dinner bell soon tolled for them to come to their meals. Kel and Neal, sick and tired of being in different bodies, trudged angrily towards the mess hall not in the mood for anything.

And once they saw what was served for their dinner, they lost their appetite as well.

Radish soup.

"Why oh why do people have to be so evil in the art of food!" cried Neal in Kel's body, like a lovesick poet reciting one of his works.

"Why oh why are you acting so strange Kel?" mocked Merric in a tart voice.

"Er…"

"Ne—Kel eat your soup." Kel said as she stirred her own. The purple goodness floated lazily in a radish like way that would make anyone have second thoughts if they should dare eat it or not. Carefully she took a sip of the soup.

Neal glared at her and took a tiny bite as well.

Soon the world around the two fogged and swirled like they were floating in nothing. When they opened their eyes again they were back in their bodies.

Kel picked up her hand and examined it happily. "It feels good to be home," she said quietly with a smile.

"It's good to be what? Kel _what _has gotten into you?" Faleron asked.

"Um…I said it's good to be home at the castle eating soup." She corrected.

Her friends gave her strange looks.

Neal stood up in whoops of joy. "Yes!" He started a very scary victory dance. "We did it! We did it! We did it!"

"You did what?" Owen asked confused.

"Oh shush you!" cried Kel and Neal at the same time. They then looked at each other and began to laugh.

OOO

"Well that was pretty fun," Neal pointed out as they sat and talked in his bedroom.

"If going through hell in a different body is fun to you, then yes I would have to agree," Kel said dryly.

Neal threw a pillow at her.

"I hope you learned your lesson Kel," said Neal in his usual drawl. "Never wish for flying pigs while Mithros is in earshot."

"Oh great Moral Neal," Kel said dryly.

"Why thank—hey!" Neal threw another pillow at her.

"That didn't hurt you know."

"What do you want it to?"

"No…not really."

"Okay then."

Kel stared at him. "Well what I think is a good moral to this story is to always eat your vegetables," she pointed out. "elsewise we would still be in our little mess."

"I am never eating radishes again."

"You are so right."

"Dear Kel, I am always right."

When Kel heard what he said, she nearly fell off of her horse—well she would have if she's been riding one. As it was, she more or less fell off of her legs.

"You, always right Queenscove!" She said amazed. "When mushrooms fly!"

All of a sudden the monster mushroom flew into Neal's room through the window.

"MANIAC LAUGH. SNORT. SHRUBBERY. GIRLIE SCREAM THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO LAUGH. FINGER NAILS ON CHALK BOARD"

_Oh boy._

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lol…how strange.

Okay I just wanted to point out that in a couple parts in this fic there are parts that I didn't write, but originaly came from a book called The Knight and the Squire.

Just wanted to point that out you know.

Lol.

Replies:

Joren's Kel: I'm glad you love it! I like Kaddar too. But you can keep him, I have Faleron:kisses faleron: we're getting married soon. Come to my wedding?

HyperLittleCat: dude I totally know what you mean dude. Dude the dudelishious dudey randomness in this dudetastic fic is off the dude world champion dude charts dude! Dude sleepover chapter in duding soon.

Arwen-Dragonrider: I like those chapters too…lol. Potter puppet pals is so funny I luv it when ron goes 'bother'. Lol. I have a t-shirt that has the puppet ron saying bother on it. How funny right? Lol. I luv that website. They need to make another one.

Narm's Briton: lol, thanks!

Sull89: well I'm happy that you laughed! It makes me laugh just thinking of laughing. That made no sense…don't worry it shall be saturated in all the fluffy goodness I can muster! Sugar…sugar yummy in my tummy…

Queensofdakittys: yay I'm replying again! I'm glad you liked the fluff! Mmm…fluffy. I love your idea for the play thing and I promise I will do it once I do the voted chappie K? I luv it! Toodles…funny word.

Keep on voting for your favorite chapter to continue!

Thanx

Heartdamoose.


	13. Bloopers, if u could call it that

WHAZZA!

Sorry I haven't updated in like forever…

Well actually I'm not sorry…I've been too busy to be sorry.

But anyway…um…once again I'm postponing the continued chapter because I can't think of a way to continue it. Anyway, so what I am going to do is have this chapter be all bloopers from the past chapters.

happy dance

Disclaimer: does it look like I own this? What do I have to do explain everything to you? I don't own the freaking thing, get over it!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Bloopers for chapter one: A Sticky Situation

Kel, Neal, Merric, Tobe, and other dudes who really aren't important are all stuck in a whole bunch of honey. Lights crew and director are watching and filming off set praying to Mithros that they wont have to do another take.

"I'm really sorry guys," Merric starts. "I thought the bucket was full of water not this honey crap." Merric then had an itch on his shoe and tries to look down to scratch it, to find that the honey was indeed real honey and not the fake stuff that was usually in movies.

"It's okay Merric. We'll just wait for someone to come and save us," Kel says maybe a little too icily. She is very hot tempered because they have been working on this shot for the past two hours, and the honey was getting quite annoying.

Neal, Kel, Merric, Tobe, and the other guys wait for a few more minutes for Dom to enter. However, when Dom was supposed to arrive, no Dom came.

Half an hour later…

"Okay guys, I have just about lost it. I know I'm supposed to be all calm and crap, but this is uncalled for. Where the (badword) is Dom!" Kel cries stuck in a lot of honey. She looks over towards Neal—well tries to—to find that he is just about to explode.

"WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON DOM I AM GOING TO PUT SOMETHING VERY EVIL AND SQUISHY IN HIS BED!" Neal roars very much pissed off.

"What like you?" asks the lights guy who is holding up a very bright light. However him holding up that light isn't for long, for Neal just threw his shoe at the lights guy and then knocked him out in a way that only Neal could.

"Now people, no violence in my studio please--." Starts the flustered director.

"Oh who asked you, you overweight lard with a mutant mustache and chicken feet?" snaps Kel. Everyone stares at Kel awed. They never knew she had such good name calling skills.

The director looks down at his legs to find that they did indeed resemble a chicken's in many ways. He then burst into tears and ran off to grandma's house where he felt important and loved. And anyway, the director's grandma cooked some very delightful oatmeal cookies.

"Kel, you just made our director cry," Merric points out quite surprised.

"Be quiet. You're the one who started this anyway, clumsy Honey Dropper Guy-thing," Kel snaps with a very evil glare. Merric cowers away not wanting to get hurt. Only he can't move because remember, there's honey everywhere.

"I'm here to save you!" Announced a most impatiently waited for Dom as he barged through the door. "Sorry I'm late! I had a hot date."

"WE DON'T CARE, NOW HURRY UP AND GET US OUT OF THIS CRAP BEFORE I DECIDE THAT I DON'T WANT AN OLDER COUSIN ANYMORE!" Neal cries furious.

Dom shrinks to the wall and immediately gets them out of the honey. Then the cast feels like idiots because the crew could have gotten them out of the honey in the first place instead of waiting for Dom. But then again that wouldn't make the blooper as funny would it now?

OOO

Kel and Dom are on set at their little horse ride place. Neal is hiding mysteriously in the bushes and Kel and Dom aren't supposed to know that he's there, but they actually do.

"Yeah but that's until death and I don't feel like killing the person who helped me get though my knighthood. And anyway, someone has to keep Neal under control," Kel says. Dom laughs, not from what Kel said, but because he never noticed how hairy Kel's nose was.

"kkkkkkeeeeeeelll-OOF!" Neal cries from behind the large bush. "That hurt…OMG A SPIFER…Spifer? WTF? I mean… A SPIDER A SPIDER! (areallygirliescreamthatissohighpitchedthatnotevenakeyboardcandescribehowhorribleitis.)"

The lense in the camera shatters and the cameraman gets really pissed off.

"A spider? Shakith and Odd's Bobs where?" screams Alanna from off set. She bounces out of her seat and stands on her chair as if thinking that standing off of the ground would protect her from the "vicious" spider.

"Hey those are my words!" Daine accuses with a pointing finger. She storms over towards Alanna furiously and takes out a very evil looking antler from her pocket. Don't ask how it fit in there or what it is doing there in the first place. It is a gift from her father okay?

"Hahaha, I laugh at you," laughs Alanna with a laugh. "You think you can beat me with your 'Antler Of Doom'? I laugh!" Alanna then takes out her sword.

"Yeah well—I have the power of—um—magical animal stuff! And cool rare stuff like that!" Daine brags. And then Alanna and Daine start a nuclear/violent/antler-sword, fight and everyone runs away from both the nuclear toxins and spider which was forgotten by Alanna and Daine as they still fought crazily.

OOO

Chapter Two: No One Will Miss Him

Cleon had just walked into the empty classroom as Kel waited happily for him, wanting to kill him off as soon as possible. She truly hated Cleon in a hateful way that couldn't be described by even the most poetic poets, like Neal for instance.

(Warning: The following is in no way acting of any sort. But real life)

"Cleon, I have to tell you something," Kel said dangerously violent. Gods she just wanted to steal Alanna's sword and stab him into tiny little pieces, eat him, and _then_ kill him. But wait that in no way could work. Darn it all!

Kel made a menacing face and stabbed Cleon straight through the heart. No ketchup, or movie blood, or even fake blood, came out of Cleon's wound, but alas Cleon had been truly stabbed and his own blood poured out of him.

"Odd's Bobs! I thought this was supposed to be fake!" Cleon gasped oddly enough happy.

Then Daine came out of the bushes (even though they were indoors), and made a fist at Cleon. "I have had it! No more using my words! I know I'm the cool trend setter around here and all, but--."

"Oi! No ye aint!" cried some random guy off the set.

"Shush! _They _don't know that!" Daine said motioning towards the readers. "And it was a secret anyway!"

"It's not a secret anymore." pointed out the random guy simply.

"Oh," Daine said dumbly. She then trudged off towards the stables—the only place where she really fit in.

Anyway, Cleon is still bleeding to death, Kel is still on her violent romp, and the reader's are staring at her confused, the random guy is playing patty cake with a fat piece of mutant pie.

"Pie!" Jon screamed from his throne far far away. "I died from pie! Take it away! I banish you from the country!"

And then a mob of candy coated termites ate Jon all up even though he wasn't made of wood. Or was he?

But alas the pie was already banished and the random guy could play patty cake no more.

In Carthak…

The pie arrived off of the boat and found him in a rich casino with cool stuff and rich guys. He sat down with a bunch of poker freaks and gamblers hoping that it was his lucky day. It was his life long dream to be rich—even if he was pie.

"It's about time eh old chap?" asked some guy.

Silence.

"…Righto."

What's up with the English accents?

Then people crowded around as they watched Ozorne do cartwheels over the land.

Back to Tortall we go…

Now back in Tortall, crows mobbed the palace and the annual sweater making day was cancelled because making sweaters was overrated. Cleon is still bleeding, Kel still evil, Tuisane is laughing at us, people are wondering how the heck this is a blooper, Faleron just stepped on a snail and is feeling really bad, Merric jumped off of Balor's Needle, and Numair's magical appendix disappeared.

"Are you bloody dead yet!" Kel screamed exasperated as she stared at Cleon's laughing body.

"Nope…ah no wait…now I am."

And then Cleon died.

WTF?

So now everyone is partying and Kel did a happy dance, Dom disappeared (AKA he got drunk), Neal went snowboarding in his underwear, and foreign adventurers found a large dragon turd blocking the Great Road North.

OOO

No one would've guessed:

A while and four headless bodies later, Kel had reached Jonathan's room. She crept silently inside thanking Lord Wyldon for his strict training. The sleeping king didn't even notice at all. She couldn't even see his head under the mass of down pillows and comforters.

It's a shame that I can't see him in pain, Kel thought. She couldn't help but think such dark thoughts when the man who ruined so many people's lives was sleeping right in front of her.

"I can't take this anymore," she whispered ever so quietly. She tiptoed towards the bed and gently peeled away the covers.

Her eyes grew wide. "NEAL! WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING HERE!" she screamed in horror.

Humana Humana Humana

"GET OUT RIGHT…OMY…_YUKI!_ WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TWO _DOING! _YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T ANSWER THAT! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"But Kel—."

"No buts Neal. What gave you the nerve to sleep in the King's bedroom! Your reputation will be ruined! You—."

"Kel _what _are you talking about? This isn't the King's bedroom," Neal pointed out.

"Of course it is," she snapped.

"Holy Moley," Yuki said holding her head and covering herself with the covers.

"Hey that's a good one!" announced Daine.

"Go away you!"

"Okay!

And Daine walked off.

"Kel what have you been on?" When Kel opened her mouth to answer, Yuki glared. "You know what? I don't want to know. This isn't the King's Castle, this is Queenscove."

"Don't be silly."

"I'm not being sill Kel," Yuki said.

Kel walked over to the nearest map to find that indeed this was Queenscove and not the King's summer home.

"Ah. My mistake. I got my latitude and longitude mixed up, sorry bout that. Continue on."

"Okay. Hmmmm mmm hmm oh you're good mmm hmmmmmm mm."

"EWW NOT WHILE I'M STILL HERE NEAL!"

"Oh…sorry."

And Kel ran out of the nearest door scarred for life.

I hope that teaches a lesson to you kids. Always check your latitude and longitude before you try to murder someone.

OOO

The Sleepover Blooper

Everyone is having a great time at the sleepover when all of a sudden there was a knock at the door.

"Hey wait a minute, no one is supposed to be at the door," hissed Neal to Faleron. Faleron also looked confused.

"Just open it anyway," whispered Owen. Neal shrugged and rose from the ground where they sat in a circle.

When Neal opened the door, his eyes grew wide.

"Arrr!" growled a pirate from the doorway as he and his pirate group barged through the door. "We've come to take your panties!"

"Don't you mean you've come to the party?" Neal corrected as he collected himself. The rest of the group stood up with confused looks.

"No!" cried another pirate with a crooked nose and one leg. "We have come to take your panties!"

"Well, why?" Kel asked staring at them strangely.

"Panties make us jolly!" exclaimed a fat pirate.

"Now you're talkin' my language!" Owen said.

"Arrr!"

"I'm a Pirate!"

"Yes we know that."

"Well if you want to take our panties, then you'll have to get through us first!" Merric said defensively.

"Arrr!"

"Then we shall fight!"

All of the pirates got moldy breadsticks out of their pockets.

"Wait a minute Wait a minute!" cried Neal holding up his arms to stop the pirates. "What are you pantie stealing pirates doing here anyway? And why in the name of Mithros are you fighting with _breadsticks_?"

"Arrr!"

"We've come to take your panties!"

"Yeah we know but why?" asked Faleron, as he grew impatient.

"I'm hungry!"

"You want our panties because you're hungry?" asked Kel confused.

"I've been to Carthak!"

"OKAY THAT IS IT! I QUIT!" Neal cried. And he stormed out of the door having enough of this pantie business.

OOO

Kel, Merric, Faleron, Neal, Raould, and Owen all went inside with Alanna to pants King Jonathan during Owen's dare.

At last they attacked. It was chaos all around. Alanna quickly held Jonathan's arms so he couldn't move while Owen ran over. Kel and Neal helped the Lioness with stabilizing the king, while Raould snuck in unnoticed. If Jon ever found out he was there, he would be so grounded.

Owen grabbed the king's breeches and tugged.

"Guys they won't come off!" Owen told them frantically as he tugged even harder. But alas his breeches would not budge.

"Maybe it's because his as—." Neal started.

"Pull harder then," Faleron urged.

Owen tried again. "Dammit you king what did you do to your breeches!"

The King laughed evilly. "I duct taped them to my shirt!" And he laughed evilly once again.

"No! Not the duct tape! That freakin stuff never comes off!" Owen cried.

The king chortled. "I know!"

"Ewww. So are you saying you don't change your pants because they're duct taped to you?" Alanna asked clearly disgusted. And to think she slept with that man!

"Yep!"

"Okay that is uncalled for," Kel said.

"Well if they can't come off, just kill him!" Merric hissed.

Owen shrugged and beheaded the king with his trusty sword. They quickly ran out of the room.

OOO

The story of Varice blooper:

Alanna, as the very average lady knight that she was, once again walked up to the door in which Numair and Daine were killing Varice in. Now Alanna knew that it wasn't average to do this again (and it wasn't in the script), but she really wanted to help Numair and Daine in killing Varice.

So for once Alanna did the unaverage thing and opened the door with her average gift.

Heroically, she stepped through the doorway and held up her gallant sword. "In the name of Odd's bobs I have—."

"Hey!" Daine yelled in an interuptingly like way. "You stole my word again!"

Alanna fumed threateningly. "Don't make me go all Lioness on you!"

"Oh! Bring it on biotch!" Daine taunted.

And once again Alanna and Daine were in a very violent cat-fight. No one seemed to be winning however because even though Alanna was indeed a Lioness, it didn't dare match the cat power of Daine who had wild magic.

Numair stared at them blankly, and then realized what was going on. "Girls! Girls! Girls!" Daine and Alanna growled at him and glared.

"Ah, I mean, Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! I know you find me irresistibly irresistible, but there's no reason to fight!"

Alanna and Daine both stared at him as if he were crazy. Then they both threw mushrooms at him.

"Men," they both said at the same time. They smiled at each other.

"You're telling me," Daine said as she rolled her eyes. "So desperate that one."

"They're all the same," Alanna told her. "Take my advice, never get married."

They both laughed and walked out of the room leaving Numair to himself, fighting out of a gigantic pile of mushrooms.

OOO

Poison blooper:

Alanna, who had just had her visit with George, walked down the eerie and spooky street with a shiver. Gods she hated the cold. Something wasn't right.

She heard hollow footsteps behind her. Quickly she turned around with her daggers in her hands, to only find a piece of parchment blowing down the street.

She glared and started to walk, this time faster.

Once again, footsteps.

She sighed. "What the crap do you want?" she snapped irritated as she turned around.

Alanna yelped when she found a dark robed man standing before her.

"I want all you—OMY! PURPLE EYES! PURPLE—hey wait. Alanna where are your purple eyes?"

Alanna stared at him. "What do you mean? I put my contacts in before the shot."

The director sighed. "Are you sure you didn't forget?"

"I'm sure."

The director snapped his fingers, and one of his assistants came over to Alanna holding a mirror.

Alanna looked into it closely to find that her eyes were indeed not purple, but her natural color of gray. "Oh my. Maybe I did forget to put them in."

The director sighed again. "Go to your trailer and put your eyes in and we'll start over."

"Over my dead body!" Alanna snapped. Alanna did not like her contacts.

"That can be arranged!" Roger yelled from off set.

"Go away Roger!" yelled the whole cast. Roger was indeed not needed until scene twenty-four and three quarters.

Roger sulked away unloved and misunderstood.

OOO

An eventful trip blooper:

Emmy, who had just arrived at the palace, walked up to her rooms to-be with Kel and Neal.

On the way there however they ran into trouble. Standing before them was king Jonathan and his groupies, Cleon, Duke Roger, Varice, Delia, an evil scientist, Vinson, Zahir, Joren, and Lian the Shang dragon.

"Why hello there!" Emmy greeted happily. "My name is Emily of…bubble gum! What's yours?"

The king laughed a hearty laugh. "Who am I? _Who _am _I_? Wait—who am I?"

The king's advisor rolled his eyes and got out a parchment muttering about idiot kings who didn't even know who they were. "You are laying your eyes on the king of Tortall. Your excellence and imperialness, King Jonathan of Conte. Assassination attempts are from noon to five. All assassins must be wearing black. No acceptions apply. Pay your taxes."

"I would gladly love to pay my taxes, but I don't know what taxes are!" Emmy said happily. She walked over to shake the king's hand, but tripped over a rug.

Nothing happened.

"Wait wait, let me try again," Emmy said as she stood up. She tripped on the rug again.

Still nothing happened.

Once again she tripped, but alas no chain reaction occurred.

"Why wont you die dammit!" Emmy screamed to the evil guys who were fighting down laughs.

The king chuckled. "I don't feel like dying today."

"That's not how it works," Emmy said. The girl looked over towards Kel and Neal. "Why won't they die?"

Neal shrugged. "I don't know. Let's just kill them." Emmy shrugged and they ran over towards the evil guys killing them with swords and in Emmy's case, permanent markers and rotten radishes.

OOO

Harry's adventure blooper:

When Hermione, Ron, and Harry were looking for a secret entrance to the castle in Harry's behalf, they met a singing man with a fiddle.

"Hello!" the singing man sang. "I am Fiddler the fiddler!"

"Er, congratulations," Ron said disturbed. They continued their search not noticing that the Fiddler was following them along with his pep band and Broadway dancers.

Ron ran into a freaky knight with purple eyes and started screaming like a mad man. They introduced each other and Hermione found out that she didn't like Alanna very much. She showed it clearly. Then they found that they didn't know how to get home.

"Unfortunately we do not know how to get home," Hermione said hotly.

"We don't?"

"We don't?"

"You don't?"

"THEY DOOOOOOOONN'T!" sang a large group of dancers dressed up a peasants as they danced. Women carried jugs of milk and rags, and men had pitchforks and—oh my are those tap shoes on their feet? They began to dance in complex formations like in a Broadway show.

"No they don't. No they don't. They don't know how to go home!" sang the women as they turned and skipped around gardens and barrels.

"Yes they don't. Don't know how to go home!" sang the men in deep voices.

"OOOOOOOH! THEY DON'T!" they screamed.

A tall woman in a white work dress and brown apron came up to the center. "You see. It started with a potion!"

"YES WITH A POTION!"

"But with that potion came trouble!"

"OH LOT'S OF TROUBLE."

"For these three wizards. Now stuck in a land. A land they don't know."

"THEY DON'T KNOW?"

"They don't know it. Now they have troubles yes lot's of troubles. Running into knights, having fights, just piles of trouble!"

"AAAHHHHHHH TROUBLE!"

"But then there came the question—."

"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT. THE. FLIP. UP!" cried Hermione, Ron, Harry, and Alanna.

"We know we're in trouble. No need to rub it in!" snapped Hermione. "Now to home with you! You should be ashamed of yourselves!"

The men, women, and fiddler trudged off with drooping soldiers. Alanna smirked.

…A while later…

Ron, Harry, and Hermione all feel like idiots because they wont get in trouble for summoning the dark mark.

"Jeez how could we be so stupid!" Hermione said growing happier by the second. "I won't be expelled, I won't be expelled!"

"She won't be expelled! Er—I mean, we won't be expelled!" Ron cried

"You won't be expelled?"

"You would've gotten expelled?"

"What the bloody hell does expel mean?"

"ooooh. OOOOOH! **OHHHHH! _OHHHHH! _**NOT EXPELLED!" cried singers from below them.

"Oh jeez," whispered Hermione as she hit herself on the forehead.

The King's door crashed open and there stood the fiddler. "Yes now they would have gotten expelled. But NO you see not so. Yes they would have gotten expelled. Thanks to Alanna! Yes oh yes we knooooooOOOO_OOOOOW_!"

"Mithros, and Shakith," Alanna whispered shaking her head.

"Now we know they aren't expelled and Ron is very happy. Because if Hermione was expelled. Ron would be all crappppppy! Why you ask? Is that so? What? You didn't know? Well, WELL, **WELL!**

"It started the fist year of Hogwarts, when they fist met, Ron had crap on his nose, and Hermione's a brunette! And now you see Ron has a crush on thee! La La La La."

Ron grew very red. "Er…"

"HOLD ON HOLD ON! STOP EVERYTHING!" Hermione screamed holding up her hands.

The fiddler stopped fiddling, but tripped over a rug as an outcome and fell out of the window with a yell.

"LOOK OUT BELOW!"

"Chh, now it works!" Emmy said furious from outside the window. "How come it didn't work in my blooper!"

"I don't care," Hermione said. She then turned towards the still red Ron. "Is this true Ron?"

Ron gulped. "Mmmm hmmm," he squeaked his voice barely audible.

Hermione shrugged. "I was always suspicious. I know you find me irresistible."

"Now that's what I'm talking about," said the muffled voice of Numair through the door.

Alanna rolled her eyes. "I better go take care of this," she told them. "Daine where are you!"

"Hey where's Harry?" asked Ron looking around. Indeed our little hero was not seen.

"DOWN HERE GUYS!" Harry called. He was outside in the courtyard hanging around the men dancers. "THESE TAP SHOES ARE PRETTY NIFTY!"

"Goodness," whispered Hermione ashamed.

OOO

Ron Harry and Hermione find out that Numair is the key to getting them home.

"I think Numair can help with that," Jonathan said.

"What's a Numair?" Ron asked. Harry and Hermione also looked quite confused.

"What's a Numair? What's a _Numair!"_ boomed a voice through the door. The door slammed open. "Hey sup king yo," he said waving to the king. Then his attention drew back to the three wizards. "Are you saying you don't know who I, Numair Samalin, the greatest mage in the land, am!"

"Now we do," Ron muttered into Harry's ear. Harry laughed.

"Well good," Numair said. I just wanted to make that clear. "Now why did you need me?"

OOO

The Life of a Day in the Crazy World blooper: Emmy falls on stuff

"HEY YOU WITH THE HAIR!" Emmy cried as she began to fall down from a very high ceiling. Now how she got up there in the first place is not to be discussed.

"Who me?" asked Neal to no one in particular. He didn't know where the voice was coming from.

"YEAH, YOU HAVE HAIR DON'T YOU!"

"Why of course!" Neal said happily. "The best hair in the land I must add."

"LOOK OUT BELOW!"

"WTF!" but before he could say more he was smashed by a laughing Emmy.

"Wheeeeeee! That was SO much fun! Again aga—oof."

Emmy tripped over yet another rug.

Giggling insanely she quickly got up to go to the next nearest drop to trample someone else.

But before she got to the nearest drop she fell down five flights of stairs, got trapped in two elevators, stepped on a snail, and kicked Wyldon in the nuts—on accident of course.

Neal got up weakly and brushed off his pants. "Well that was a waste of time," he said to himself. "Now where did that floopowder cart go?"

…Some where else…

"HEY YOU WITH THE H—oh no wait. HEY YOU WITH ALMOST NO HAIR!" cried Emmy to below.

A man with a really big bald spot looked up. "Yes—hey wait a minute!"

"Uh oh I'm in for it now," said Emmy. "UH…YES?" she asked of the man.

"Don't I know you?"

"UH…NO! YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN WITH MY TWIN. WE LOOK ALIKE!"

"Oh," said the man as he thought. He then looked back up to the still falling Emmy. "Well tell your twin I said hi." He laughed. "She's hot."

"Omy goodness," whispered Emmy as if she were talking to some type of foreign idiot. "Will do so sir!" she called to him. "Oh and sir!"

"Yes?"

"LOOK OUT BELOW!"

"Oof!"

…In middle earth…

"bksafhlasdfhish?"

"jmmkmm asjkfhfhekhf!"

"ahhsfdklh? Sdkfhekhf welkasfhej flefhfhakshd!"

"ASFKHSALEKFHEKHFLKH!"

"?"

"…"

"blackinheimer."

"shmerheadajsfbskf!"

"sdlfkhehf."

"Um…Legolas, what _are _you doing!" Gimili asked disturbed.

"Speaking in elfish," informed Legolas as he chewed on lambas bread. Mmm lambas bread.

"To who?" Gimili asked. All he saw was a nuclear hobbit war, and some people with glowy sticks that went (glowweeoohisshissoosffnhflf).

"To my friend. His name is Gary."

"And is Gary invisible?" Gimili asked as if he were talking to a child. He was beginning to think that maybe he should have put Legolas in the mentally ill hospital when he had the chance.

"No silly! Gary is imaginary!"

"Ah…"

"Gimili how could you say such a thing!" Legolas said surprised. "Saying that word is very insulting to the imaginary!"

"What word?"

"You know, _that _word!"

"And what word is _that_ word?" Gimili asked. "Salted pork?"

"No, the _other _word!"

"I have no—."

"HEY YOU WITH LOT'S OF HAIR!"

"Who me?" asked Gimili. He was the one who had lots of hair around here.

"YES YOU! YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MUTANT BEARD!"

"It's not a mutant beard," pouted Gimili. "And anyway, it smells like salted pork."

_Ewww._

"WATCH OUT BEARED DUDE!" cried Emmy.

"Wha—oof."

"GARY!" Legolas asked to 'Gary'. "Gary are you okay!"

"What? So you're not concerned about me!" Gimili asked from under a giggling Emmy. "_I'm _the one who got smashed."

"Yes, but you're not the one who has a fear of people falling from the sky!" Legolas told him concerned for his Gary. "Gary are you sure your okay?"

Silence

"I thought just so, Gary."

"Hi guys!"

"Aragorn what are you doing back from the dead?" Legolas asked.

"Huh? I'm back? Oh! Well that's great!" Aragorn said happily. It's always happy when you come back from the dead. Unless of course your name is Roger.

"Hey!" Roger said angrily. "_Some _people liked me coming back!"

No they didn't. Now go back to your tomb where you belong!

Roger trudges off.

"We win! We win! The hobbits win!" cried a hobbit victoriously.

"What are you talking about! All of you were hobbits," pointed out Aragorn.

"Oh…I guess you're right." The hobbit shrugged. "Get me more radioactive waste!"

Right…

Then all of a sudden Neal came out of nowhere. "Has anyone seen the floopowder cart?"

OOO

Flying Pigs blooper:

One day Numair woke up in his comfy bed. Something felt very wrong however. He slipped off his blanket and stared at his feet, wide eyed.

"DAINE _WHERE _IS MY TOE!" he yelled to the other room.

"I don't know hun, check in the bookcase!" cried back Daine.

"Not there!" Numair said panicking.

"Ask Kitten!"

Numair looked for the dragon. Once he found her he asked her flustered.

"She doesn't know either!"

"I don't know Numy!" Daine cried sympathetic.

"My toe! My beautiful toe! Nothing will _ever _be the same!"

OOO

Lol…kay I've been working on this for like the past week.

I hope you like it…if not then it's fine with me. As long as you review. Flames will be made fun of, so you're welcome to flame me up!

Disclaimer: I own Gary. As for the other stuff, that is not my genius.

Replies:

Firstly Deprived: Dude nice going with the reviewness. Really long. Yes Numair's missing toe will serve as quite a problem for our mage. I took the pirate idea, I thought it was hilarious! You know I don't know what you sound like. Wow…issues. Maybe you should go to group therapy! I think that will be next chapter. Just because it seems so funny. Group therapy will be fun. Maybe I should go with my friends. THAYET AND OWEN ARE HAVING A BABY! Oh my…well…as much as an age difference, as that is…um…I'll have to congratulate them. Lol. You little butt squisher you…

Arwen-Dragonrider: Yay I updated again! Huzzah to the moose! Ron…mmm. I like to eat Ron for breakfast.

Sull89: Yes there is a lot of randomness in this chapter. I swear I have never laughed so much in my life. Wow…:tries to breathe:fails:dies:

HyperLittleCat: yEa iT mUsTv'E tAkEn A lOnG tImE. LMaO. ThaNx. YoUr'e dEaD! Oh nO tHaT's hOrRiBlE! Oh WeLl…O . o

Ethuiliel: yea really scary…dude…wow…lol. thanx

Queenofdakittys: I like replying to reviewer because it makes it so we become more connected I guess, and its funness. YAY! Lol that's a good one too.

Jeweled Rose: Yay you're back! Dude that is pretty mental. I don't quote Monty Python a lot. Only with one of my friends and that isn't too often. I've never tried radishes before either. Ahh, no fluff in this one either. I keep forgetting. Fluff later. Promise.

Narm's Boreas: Numair's toe is gone! No! lol. I can tell you're obsessed with Numy. Lol.

Now please push the button below font. You know you want to. Don't be lazy!


	14. Numair's Toe

Just a little chapter I felt like doing cause I'm bored… 

Disclaimer: I own Numair's toe, but not Numair himself. So I guess I don't own Numair's toe. (trudges off depressed)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once upon a time there was a toe.

The toe's name was Henry. Henry liked to go skinny-dipping in lakes and eat marsh mellows. Even though Henry didn't have a mouth, he didn't care.

Henry decided to take a walk. Toes like to walk. But Henry was cold, so he high jacked Daine's sweater and put it on. Henry was happy.

All of a sudden an old lady that looked a lot like the evil monkey god/thing on the roof of the world and that smelled of prune juice and wooden teeth picked up the toe and laughed maliciously.

"Ah ha! My journey is complete! I have found the TOE!" again she laughed.

"inginheimersaderighodenm!" yelled Henry at the old lady.

The lady laughed and smiled greedily. Henry was confused. For that was toe speak for, "Shit, shit, an old lady is trying to eat me!"

The old lady carried the toe to the dancing dove. Henry was pissed. There were no marsh mellows at the Dancing Dove.

"I have the toe!" cried the old lady victoriously to the room.

No one seemed to listen though. They were to busy having a food fight and getting high off of butter beer.

"They have butter beer here?" asked Ron as he trudged through the door. "I love that stuff." Ron laughed like a girl and looked for the butter beer.

"Hey is that a toe?" asked Ron as he laughed.

"gerksfnfe!" or toe speak meaning, "Get away! My toe! Go away! It's Mine! I own it! Get away!"

"A TOE!" cried Ron happily. All of the men having a food fight looked up.

"A toe?"

"That's what I said dumb butts!" Ron said. But then Ron was quickly taken away by the Story Committee Of Misplaced Characters.

Now the old lady was hungry so she set Henry down to eat some cookies, the king decided to take a bubble bath, Neal fell in a ditch, people on the roof of the world are wondering how this has to do with anything, and there was an earthquake in Carthak.

And then Henry fell on the ground when a drunk guy ran into the table that he was set on and Henry was squished. But Henry didn't care. Henry thought that the other toes in the realm of the dead were horny.

Then Daine popped in. "Has anyone seen my sweater?"


	15. Group Therapy

Um… 

Sorry bout the updates.

Believe me I feel really guilty and mean for just leaving like that but I am like so busy right now…

Enough with complaints. I should start before u sue me.

Disclaimer: -glare- I thought you were intelligent. Do I have to tell u every chapter or something!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Neal was extremely bored. He had already pulled five pranks on The Stump, gotten five detentions, read his book called How to not be killed by an evil fat horse who is out to get you by Daine Sarrasri, eaten twice his body weight, and attempted to murder Emmy with no luck (right when he was about to scare her to death, she tripped down a flight of stairs). And now there was nothing to do.

So Neal decided to walk down the hallway to consume even more food.

All of a sudden a piece of paper ran into his head and blocked his vision.

"Oh my Gosh a paper is blocking my vision!" cried Neal as he ran around crazily. He then realized that he had arms and peeled the paper off of his face. Then he saw words on the paper.

It read:

GROUP THERAPY

Do you need therapy? Do you have boredom problems? Do you sometimes forget that you have arms? Well then you may want to come to group therapy, where all of your problems will be therapy healed. Sessions are at 5:00 PM to 6:00 PM every Thursday at the Bucking Moose in. Bring a friend and come on down today!

From the IFTRODAMCP

(Institution for the rights of dangerous and mentally confused people)

"Hey that was oddly specific," Neal said staring at the paper and reading it again. Then he realized something amazing. "Hey I said a big word. Spe-ci-fic." Alas it was a day of discovery for Nealan.

But oh my goodness what's this!

"Hey it's Thursday!" exclaimed Neal victoriously. "I still have time to go to therapy!"

We have never been more proud of our little healer. However, he may have time physically to get to therapy, but mentally is a different chapter all together, That one will not be writing any time soon. Does any of this even make sense?

Now after Neal read the letter once again, he realized that he could bring his friends. So he rounded up all of his friends by threats and blackmail and they all walked to group therapy at the Bucking Moose Inn, not too far from the Sleeping Moose Inn.

"Neal what are we doing here?" Kel asked as he dragged her, Faleron, Merric, Owen, and Cleon, into the Inn. Unfortunately, a certain prince couldn't make it because he was naughty and got grounded by the evil King Jonathan.

"You'll see," said Neal as they stepped inside. The inn was very—well to put it nicely—unique. It was small, yet cozy, dim, but friendly. Everything seemed to be made out of a dark shade of wood except for a large red bricked fireplace that let out comforting warmth that made their noses and cheeks tingle. Tucked in the corner was an oak bar.

A man with sharp brown eyes and long brown hair came up to them. He looked to be a nature lover; his outfit was made of light cotton in the colors of brown and green. He smiled.

"Hello. I'm guessing you are here for group therapy? My name is Larry." He introduced. His voice was soft and whispery.

Kel, Cleon, Faleron, and Merric, and Owen looked at Neal. "Therapy, Nealan!" Merric exclaimed outraged. "You threatened that you would murder my grandma if I don't go to therapy with you!"

"Hey little man," whispered Larry, his voice cool. "Calm your soul, let your words leave your body like wind brushes against leaves. Lightly and smoothly. Mother Nature is our savior."

Merric stared at Larry oddly. "Dude what crap are you on?"

Larry closed his eyes. "Nature's love."

What the shrim?

Kel looked at him oddly. "I think that 'nature's love' is doin' a little somethin' to your head there buddy," she pointed out.

"Yes, yes it is."

Faleron looked away. "Wow. Now that you think of it, group therapy might be needed right now."

"Yes. Clense your souls on the second floor first door to the right. Save the whales. Children are our future."

The six of them backed away slowly towards the stairs. "Um, will do sir," said Owen slightly scared. Once they felt the rise of the fist stair, they quickly turned around and sprinted up the flight.

"Welcome to Group Therapy!' welcomed a tall man with short blonde hair and green eyes. He was sitting in a circle along with three other people. "We haven't started yet, please sit down. Make room for the new people please," he told the people who were already sitting. They spread out to make room for the six friends.

After they sat down, the therapist clapped his hands together and smiled. "Well, to begin I think we shall introduce ourselves going around in a circle. Give us your name, a little bit about yourself, and why you decided to come here. I'll start with myself.

"My name is Gary of Hollow Peak, and I went to the University in my youth. I like to camp and look at nature. And I have come here to help people with their problems. Now let's here from you," he said pointing to Neal.

Neal nodded. "My name is Nealan of Queenscove, but call me Neal. Um…I'm a third year page, let's see…I'm not the best fighter, but I like to write poetry. I guess I came here because I was bored."

Gary nodded. "Pleased to meet you Neal. Next."

Faleron was next. "My name is Faleron of King's Reach, and I'm friends with Neal. I like to ride horses and swim. I came here because the guy down there scared me—and Neal forced me to."

Gary nodded. "Pleased to meet you Faleron. Next."

"My name is Merric of Hollyrose. Even though my fief name is girly, I think I'm a pretty tough guy." Neal snorted. "Enough of you Neal. You shall pay for that in the courtyards. And I came here cause I was threatened to."

Gary nodded. "Pleased to meet you Merric. Next."

_Getting annoying yet?_

"My name is Keladry of Mindelan. I'm training to be a knight along with the other three. I was raised in the Yamani Islands, and Neal's my best friend. I don't know why I'm here exactly."

Gary nodded. "Pleased to meet you Keladry. Next."

"My name is Owen of (Itotallyforgotwhathisfiefnameis), and my favorite word is jolly. People say that I say jolly too much, but I think it's jolly fun! They also say I have happy problems, but I think it's jolly that I'm always happy! Um…yah…I lost a bet."

Gary nodded. "Pleased to meet you Owen. Next."

"My name is Cleon of Kennan yo gangsta G. But I go by C.fizzle."

Neal coughed. "No you don't."

"Oi. Don't be a interruptin' my gangsta talk yo, homie. That's not cool yo. People a think I'm annoying, but they are wrongfizzle ya know? It's cool tho dogg. I know I'm better then them. Dude…I don't know why I'm here, but it's okay, it's hott, it's hott."

Garry nodded. "Pleased to meet you Cleon. Next."

A small man who seemed to be around 18 looked up. "My name is Henry Mooned. Uh…I'm married, and uh I live in a card board box, and I believe in the boogyman. And I came here because I'm allergic to water."

Gary nodded. "Pleased to meet you Henry. Next."

A chick with sick hair and emo clothes spoke next. "My name is Mikelle. I live with the living dead. I have a fear of uncooked mushrooms. I came here because life sux."

Gary nodded. "Pleased to meet you Mikelle. Next."

The last person was a petite court girl. "My name is like Stephanie of Richville and I'm like rich! I date about 20 guys a month and spend my money on like makeup and like stuff that like I like and stuff like that like ya know like? I like came here because like my parents say I have like problems and like stuff, but I think they're like wrong. But it's okay cause I'm like rich…"

Gary nodded. "Pleased to meet you Stephanie. Well that concludes our introduction. Now one by one I will be taking care of your problems. Let me start with…Cleon."

"Yo old man, that's sickness."

"Yes, now I notice that you have…speech problems."

"Dude, man, it's how my tongue rolls ya know? I can't help talking gangsta."

"That's the problem. You see your speech problem is taking over your life. You have to get rid of it. Why don't you go to speech therapy next door?"

"But—."

"GO YOU DAMN FOOL OR FACE THE CONSEQUENSES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-cough-. Well then. Go on now Cleon."

Cleon stood up quickly, eyes wide. He raced out the door as quickly as possible.

Gary smiled. "So who's next?" He looked around with an all too innocent smile on his face. He pointed at Henry, the man who lived the card board box. "You. You're the man allergic to water. But what you really don't realize is that the water is allergic to you."

"Wait wha—?"

"THAT MEANS CHANGE THE WATER AND YOU'LL BE FINE GAD DOMNIT! ARE YOU FREAKIN STUPID! GET A DAMN LIFE, BY GETTING OUT OF MINE!"

The man raced out of the room in tears.

Neal leaned over to Merric. "This guy has issues," he whispered. Luckily Gary was too busy laughing evilly to hear.

"You! Jolly boy!" Gary pointed to next. Owen flushed, his eyes widening. "When people say you say jolly too much, they mean it! So stop saying that damn word! And you say you lost a bet? Stop doing bets in the first place and maybe you won't loose them. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Wow…" Owen said; though he didn't move.

"And you emo girl! If life sux them make it not suck! It's that easy."

"Do you dare speak to me that way mortal!" Mikelle yelled darkly at the man. She stood up and walked towards him. "Never dare speak to me that way again!"

"What are you going to do? Eat me!"

Mikelle smiled maliciously, showing pointy teeth. "Exactly." Then Mikelle ate the evil therapist. "Yum."

The court girl died of a heart attack and from saying like way too much to be healthy. Kel, Neal, Owen, Faleron, and Merric walked out of the room over this whole therapy thing. It wasn't a good idea anyway, it was boring. They decided to go fishing for weird things in Lake Contains Weird Things instead. Meanwhile, Mikelle had finished eating Gary, and was planning world domination with her best friend Heartdamoose.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lol…wow that was kinda weird. Sorry bout the slow update. Review and I'll give you an edible cookie tasting moose!

Replies:

RetartedMonkeys: holy crap that was a long one…yea poor toe. Hey I used ur idea. It seemed good enough and I couldn't think of anything else. Wow ur gifted in the art of writing nonsense. One time I ate a pumpkin when all of a sudden a kangaroo popped up and poured acid rain all over my shoulder making it green and rabbit smelling. Wtf are you on girl? Yea teletubes…THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL!

Tolkienkook: I'm glad you love me (not sexually…I'm glad for that). Henry is my brother. Not the Henry in this chap. The toe Henry. Glad ya like. Keep readin'!


	16. The Story of a Muffin

Mehehe.

Whazzup guys. I'm sorry to admit that my reviews have been slow because of summer skool. Curse education. Yah…sorry.

Disclaimer: what do you think? Do I look like Tamora? That's what I thought. Therefore I obviously do not own Neal—damn.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once upon a time there was a magical muffin.

Now this, mind you, was no average magical muffin found at Grandma's house or where ever muffins could be found at times like these, this was a _very _magical muffin.

Now I know what you're thinking. What's the freaking difference between a magical muffin, and a very magical muffin? Unfortunately such information has absolutely nothing to do with this chapter so suck it up and deal with it.

Anywho. The magical muffin was on a big adventure and was very lost. So the magical muffin went to the nearest landmark. The landmark just so happened to be Corus.

The muffin went inside of the palace curiously. He needed to talk to the leader of this primitive place. You see, this muffin was very intelligent and came from the future where people considered sweaters to be edible, and ballpoint pens weapons of mass destruction.

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!" cried the muffin to the nearest passerby. However the passerby only heard something that sounded like a thirty year old man living with his mom scream down a tall hill being chased by evil bald centaurs and an assortment of rotten fruit. Now this was not usually heard among passerbys and he ran away screaming in fright.

The muffin was quite angry with this.

When the next human came by, the muffin tried again. "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!" The passerby stopped short and looked down at the muffin.

"Hello there little muffin!" said Neal happily as he picked the muffin up. You see, Neal had a secret. He could talk to muffins. This ability was usually called muffin speech among mages, old men, and everyone else that you can think of. But it was very rare to have muffin speech, so Neal kept it quiet.

The muffin looked up at the strange Neal confused.

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER."

Neal laughed. "Awww, how cute. A muffin that says take me to your leader. I have to show Kel."

So Neal walked off with the muffin to Kel's rooms.

OOO

"Kel, listen to this," Neal said holding up the muffin enthusiastically. Kel looked at him strangely.

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, DARNIT!" cried the muffin rather loudly.

Kel clapped her hands over her ears. "Ouch Neal that sounds like a thirty year old man living with his mom scream down a tall hill being chased by evil bald centaurs and an assortment of rotten fruit! What did you do to it!"

Neal looked at her confused. And then he realized that she didn't have muffin speech. "Oh. Nothing. Come on little guy, say it again."

"Did you just talk to that muffin!" asked Kel with wide eyes.

Neal mentally kicked himself. "No. I was talking to—um—Joe! Yeah, Joe. He's an um ghost that lives in um—your pillow."

Kel stared at him. "You have the muffin speech."

"Damn."

Kel smirked. "I knew it. I suspected it ever since I saw you pet your chocolate chip muffin the first day we started training."

"And what a good muffin it was," said Neal sadly. "I was sorry to eat that one."

"So what are you going to do with it?"

"What?" asked Neal. "Oh the muffin? I dunno, eat it I guess."

"WHAT! EAT _ME_!" screamed the muffin outraged. Kel yelped and covered her ears with her hands. "I AM THE SUPREME RUELER OF ALL CLEPTON! I WAS THE COMMANDER OF THE SKNEPGORN FLEET. THE FAMOUS WRINKKORMONHEIMER OF ALL SNEPDORGS! AND YOU WANT TO _EAT _ME!"

Neal looked at him wide eyed. "Sorry little guy. I didn't know you were that sensitive."

"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"

"Why do you want to see my leader?" asked Neal looking at Kel confused. However Kel couldn't even comprehend what the muffin was saying so she was only three times more confused then he was.

"THE END IS NEAR."

Neal eyed him sneakily. "How about I take you to my leader if you give us five wishes."

"MAKE IT THREE."

"four."

"FIVE TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT."

Neal snorted. "And I thought muffins were supposed to be intelligent."

Kel rubbed her head wearily. "Man. I wish I could understand you guys."

_Poof. _

"Hey, I can understand you guys!" Kel said all to obviously.

"FOUR WISHES LEFT."

Neal glared at her. "Aren't _you_ the intelligent one." He said dryly. He turned to the muffin. "Can us two talk in private for a minute."

"OK."

Kel and Neal walked to her dressing room, so the muffin wouldn't overhear them.

"This muffin is evil, Kel," said Neal.

"How do you know?"

"He smells of evil poppy seeds. You know what that means."

"No, what?"

"I dunno. I thought you knew."

Kel slapped her hand on her forehead. "How do we get rid of it? We could eat it," she suggested.

Neal looked at her. "No. If we did, we would turn evil and blow up."

"Never mind."

"We have to find his weakness." They both nodded and walked back to her bedroom.

"So, muffin thing, what's your name?" asked Neal with a pen and pad in his hands. Kel sat next to him, gazing at him intensely.

"SIR BROCKINJOMBERJSKINRICKSHMERWICKSNAP MC GRAMPSNAW."

Neal nodded. "And how do you spell that?"

The muffin glared at him as if he didn't have the power to know how everything was spelled like the people on his planet did. "S-I-R B-R-O-C-K-I-N-J-O-M-B-E-R-I-K-R-I-C-K-S-H-M-E-R-W-I-C-K-S-N-A-P M-C G-R-A-M-P-S-N-A-W." (A/N: Holy _shit._)

"Thanks. Now do you have a fear or some type of weakness."

"I AM FULLY EVOLVED. I HAVE NO WEAKNESSES THAT I KNOW OF."

"It looks like we have a 2890-c4 muffin on our hands, Kel," said Neal in a full, serious voice.

"And what would that be?"

"A muffin with a very high ego."

"Do you fear heights?"

"NO."

"What about spiders?"

"NO."

"Moldy cheese?"

"NO."

"Very big moose."

"NO."

"Candy?"

"NO."

"Muffin eating humans?"

"NO."

"Ghosts?"

"NO."

Neal stared at Kel hopelessly. He put down his pen and pad. He had thought of everything and still the muffin sat strong.

"What are we gonna do?" Kel asked not able to think of anything. "It's going to take forever for him to tell his weakness with that attitude! I wish he could just tell us and not be difficult about it!"

_poof._

"I HAVE A TERRIBLY FEAR OF RABID RADISHES COVERED IN MAPE SYRUP AND COTTAGE CHEESE. I AM TELLING YOUR FEAR WITHOUT BEING DIFFICULT ABOUT IT. HAPPY NOW?"

"Yes," said Kel happily. She looked at Neal grinning evilly. "Thanks to muah, we know his weakness."

"What ever," grumbled Neal. "I just wish we had a rabid radish covered in maple syrup and cottage cheese."

_Poof. _

"You know I'm really starting to like this," said Neal optimistically. He held the radish in his hands and turned to the muffin. "Here ya go." He handed the radish tot he muffin.

"AHHH."

The radish blew up dramatically. It turned out that he had a terrible allergic reaction to it. A shame.

"Yay! The muffin is gone!" cried Kel happily. "The world could have been destroyed!"

"Yes, but I lack to see a point to this at all," said Neal. "Why should we care if he wanted to see our leader. Our leader is evil too. That was a complete waste of ten perfect minutes. I could have been pigging out in the mess hall this whole time."

"Oh suck it up," sad Kel hit him on the stomach. "We saved the world."

"No, not really," said Neal.

"Don't ruin it Queenscove."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hahaha…that was a waste of a chapter.

Replies:

Rattail: aww thanx! This one was kinda…unique I guess. Lol.

RetartedMonkeys: lol. that's pretty funny. No I haven't seen that commercial. Llammas. I love llama. They are so llama-ish.

SilentMidnightStalker: Thanks. Jesslaw. Lol…I couldn't think of it for the life of me. Thanks for reading.

Thingy of um thingyness: awesome name by the way. It makes me laugh. Yah… here's the moose. It's chocolate. Hope your not allergic.

Magewhisper: lol. I will make more with Delia and Roger and perhaps I shall add one with the toe again. Thanks for the ideas.

DOMLUVR4EVER: yah, gary loves the word damn a lot. Damn damn damn.

Sull89: thanka. Hehe slow update. Sorry.

Queenofdakittys: alas I have written a chapter so strange and random that it even shut up the queen of the kittys herself. What ever am I to do. I win


	17. Lucky Neal

Lol. Sorry bout that. I had summer skool for the past um month. And I totally couldn't think of an idea for the life of me. But then, once I finished Harry Potter six, I had a very good idea. Lol.

Harry Potter six is a really good story. Lol. I won't say anything though, in case you haven't read it yet.

Yah.

This takes place, um, when they are fourth year pages.

Disclaimer: I don't own any genius of this so-called Tamora Pierce person that you speak of.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Neal woke up with a start. A funny feeling crept over him, a feeling of extremely exaggerated confidence. That he could do anything, even confess his love to Kel, and not get beaten up with a very sharp glaive. Now this feeling made Neal very happy, because somehow he knew he was going to have a very lucky day.

He crept out of bed, his muscles sore from the hard work they had endured the day before. But it was no strange feeling to the page now. Soreness was, he thought, just an essential to move on through the years of knight hood.

Dressing in his page uniform and running his hands through his hair (only making it messier), he slipped on his boots and walked out of his bedroom door to go and wake up Kel.

Knocking on her door, he leaned on the post waiting for her to open the door and admit him inside.

"Oh, hello Neal," said Kel with an unusual smile on her face. She looked at him for a moment. "You know you're hair looks wonderful this morning. What did you do to it?"

"Er… I ran my hands through it?" Neal answered slightly shocked. Usually Kel would be telling him that he needs to straighten his robes and to flatten his hair. He didn't mind however, he was actually quite pleased with himself.

"Oh. You should do it more often," said Kel as she stepped outside and walked to the mess hall with him. "It brings out your eyes."

"Thanks?"

"Don't mention it."

When they entered the mess hall, they noticed that somehow they were surprisingly early. Neal looked at Kel in shock. He was sure that they would be late today. He shrugged.

"Hey it looks like we're early for once," said Kel amused. "That's a first."

Neal nodded. This was the Kel that he knew.

"All the more time to pile more breakfast sweets onto our plates."

Neal stared at her weirdly. Whoever this new Kel was, he liked her a lot.

Once they got their plates, which were piled high with truffles and other sweet breakfast goodies, they slammed their trays down at their table and waited for their friends and Lord Wyldon to enter the room so they could begin their meal.

Lord Wyldon entered merely seconds after the rest of their friends came and sat down. Neal sighed with relief. He hated it when his friends were assigned punishment work without him. They all stood and said their prayer. When the prayer was done, Lord Wyldon stood standing.

"I have an important and happy announcement for everyone," said Lord Wyldon, his voice ringing across the hall. "Very good news. Very lucky news in fact. It seems that one of our fellow page friends, Neal Queenscove, has won the lottery!"

Neal froze as people whispered in shock around him. Well that was unexpected.

"But sir," started Neal. "I didn't enter the lottery."

Wyldon shrugged. "But you won it, so who's complaining?" he said shrugging again. "Let's sit down and eat."

Everyone clattered down and sat on the benches digging into their food. Neal looked at Kel amused as she shoveled down her sweet food of pastries and sweet rolls. He looked at his friends, wondering if they had noticed, but they didn't even seem to pay Kel any attention.

"Neal eat more sweets, it will give you energy," said Kel pointing at his plate with his fork. Neal shrugged and dug in as well. Everything was perfect. He won the lottery, Kel was literally forcing him to eat sugar, and his hair looked good. What more could a guy want?

OOO

"Good job on your test Neal you got a one-hundred-fifty out of one-hundred!" exclaimed the algebra teacher enthusiastically. "Here have a sticker."

Neal was staring wide-eyed. "Um…sir. I'm not even good at algebra."

"Then you must be an excellent studier." Said the teacher passing out the rest of the tests.

"How do you get a one-hundred-fifty out of one-hundred anyway?" asked Neal confused.

"You're the one who over-aced the test," drawled Kel. "You figure it out."

Neal shrugged.

After class Kel, Raould, and Neal were walking down the hall talking about how evil King Jonathan was.

"He is just so evil," complained Kel. "I heard that he was possessed as a child."

"Hey that's exciting!" said Raould happily. "I've never heard that one before."

"But really," started Neal. "He just needs to die right now."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

The Three of them looked for the source of the cry. It had came from out the window. They all pressed their faces against the glass with wide eyes as they saw a man fall off of Balor's Needle.

"Hey isn't that King Jonathan?" asked Kel as she squinted at the falling man.

"Hey it is!" said Neal happily. There was a loud thump as the body hit the ground. "Raould! Your King now!"

"Hooray! That means I'm King now!" said Raould happily. He did a victory dance in the middle of the hallway. "I own a country!"

Neal snapped his finger. "If only that happened to Cleon also," he said disappointed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M FALLING OFF OF BALOR'S NEEDLE! AHHH. HOW THE HECK DID I GET UP HERE ANYWAY!"

_Thump._

Kel and Neal joined in the victory dance.

"Kel," started Neal shyly. He looked up at her. She didn't hear him however, she was busy dancing. "Kel? KELADRY OF MINDELAN!"

"huh?" Kel asked looking for whoever called her name. "Oh. What?"

"Iluvyou."

Kel looked at him confused. "I'm sorry Neal I don't speak elfish."

"You can't?" asked Neal surprised. "Damn. Guess I'll have to speak boring common now." He sighed rather loudly, like speaking normal was the most boring thing to do. "I love you."

"Oh." Kel said looking at him. "I love you too."

Neal smiled and wrapped her up in his arms kissing her fiercely.

There was a cough from behind them. Neal and Kel broke off the kiss abruptly as they turned around.

Neal scratched the back off his head. "Oh. Hi Lord Wyldon. Beautiful day isn't it? What are you doing here?"

Wyldon stared at them with an emotionless face. "You know very well what I'm doing here Queenscove."

"Um…I'm sorry I don't."

"I'm trimming my shrubbery." He answered simply. "Now—."

"Just get the punishment over with sir," mumbled Neal quietly.

"Punishment?" Wyldon asked surprised. "Dear boy, no! We've been looking forward to this moment for seven months!"

"What moment?" asked Neal very confused.

"When you guys kiss of course. We knew it was going to happen eventually."

"Well that's…great."

"Isn't it though? Let's throw a party!" said Wyldon. He started breaking down into some hip gangster moves.

"Work it Wyldon!" called Owen who was attempting to do the worm.

Everyone cheered as Wyldon fell to the floor and started to break dance.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Wow…I was sugar high on the last part. That is just about the stupidest thing I have ever written. But I have a great idea for the next chapter. All of you guys are gonna love it. It's got some hard core Roger and Delia bashing. And I might bring back Larry the Toe or whatever his name is in it too. I can't wait.

Replies:

RetardedMonkeys: yes it would be quite fun if she turned into a llama. That is just about the most random thing I have ever heard. Sickness. Yah. Good stuff.

Magewhisper: yes I will make it Delia and Roger bashing of course. It shall be funny.

Sull89: hehehe. Muffin. That was a really stupid chapter. Sorry about being so slow.

Zeetah: thanx I'm speechless. Yea I like it when people who don't really matter or bug me die in stories. Lol.

Queenofdakitty's: why yes I am!

Jeweled Rose: lol. Thanks. Lol. I wrote some KN fluff for ya at the end. Tho it was terribly bad. Have fun with ur busy life!

The Hobbit Lass: thanks. Yea I should write one where Yuki dies and Neal is single and marries Kel or something. Lol.

DOMLUVR4EVER: O I know. Don't ya just hate those muffins. I mean sure they're good to eat, but if they're evil, ur in big trouble


	18. He Who Has Been Named

Mehehehe. This has got to be a record. Updating twice in one day. Awesome stuff indeed. I just couldn't resist not putting this chappie up in another week. U have a lucky treat you do my fellow readers.

Okay well actually it isn't that big of a deal. And I know you don't care, so let me just start.

This is a Harry Potter/Tamora Pierce crossover so y'all know.

Disclaimer: I own neither JK's nor TP's genius work. Nor do I own JK or TP themselves. That would be an incy bit creepy.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once upon a time in a land called Tortall, there was a knight in training named Neal of Queenscove. But who cares about introductions. We all know who he is. We all love him, so why bother?

Anywho. Neal was in Kel's room spying. He didn't know why he was spying, he just found it to be occasionally fun. So he was spying in her room for cool secret things that he could joke about with her and his friends.

"Wow. I didn't know Kel was a girl," said Neal as he looked at her clothes that were piled in her trunk carelessly. Alas, it was a day of discovery for our little Neal.

"Hey cool, glass cat things. It's kinda creepy how they're waving at ya though," Neal said as he picked up one of her Yamani cats. The one he was holding was so ugly that it very much resembled more of a lamp then a waving lucky cat.

Now you see, Neal was known for his sweaty fingers. And so one could guess what happened next. Whoops, there goes the lamp/cat thingy ma jig.

"I wanna do a jig!" said Neal happily. He seemed to be in a dancing mood.

No, Neal. Drop the cat.

"Dancing is funny!"

DROP. THE. DAMN. CAT!

Neal glared. "Jeeze. Some people are so forceful." He let the cat slide from his slippery hands where it broke into 7,569.89 pieces on the floor.

Thank you. Now Neal was feeling incredibly stupid and guilty for breaking Kel's lamp—er—_cat_. In fact now he was starting to regret that he even sneaked into Kel's room in the first place.

"Damn me and my sense of adventure," Neal whispered as he tried to sweep up all of the pieces with no luck. "There has to be an easier way to clean up all of these pieces."

All of a sudden something unexpected happened. The glass cat suddenly got repaired by magic.

"Magic? Now we all know that there is no such thing as magic!" said Neal maybe a little too cheezily.

_Poof._

All of a sudden an old man dressed in a funny hat and a dress poofed in front of Neal. (A/N: sorry about making fun of any of the HP characters. Don't take it offensively. It just makes it funny.)

"I, am Albus Dumbledore," said the old man with a full voice as he stood in front of Neal.

"Wow. That's a funny name. How did you go all poof and stuff? Usually people don't just appear in front of me."

"Magic. You are a wizard Neal."

"Really? That's cool."

Dumbledore seemed to be expecting a more dramatic reaction. He looked at him dryly. "You're supposed to be surprised."

"Oh. Wow! I never knew! What's a wizard?"

Dumbledore smiled. "A wizard is someone with magical powers. Now since you are a wizard, I would recommend you go to wizard school, where you can evolve your powers and poof out of nowhere!"

"You mean I could go poof too?"

"Yes Harr—Neal."

"No thank you."

"What?"

"I'm training to be a knight."

Dumbledore's brows raised above his retreating hairline. "I see. But being a wizard is much more fun. You get to have a wand. And you get to fight evil guys."

"Well knights get to have swords, and we get to cut off heads."

Dumbledore seemed to be at a loss. The witty Neal had outrun Dumbledore. And that was quite impressive. "Well, you don't know what your missing, Nealan. Goodbye."

"Ok Fine! I'll go!" cried Neal. Dumbledore smiled.

"Hold my arm. We're going to go poof."

"Oh. Yay!"

_Poof._

OOO

"Hi. I'm Harry Potter," greeted teenager with raven black hair and a weird shaped scar on his forehead. "I'm a fifth year here at Hogwarts. You seem a little old to be a first year. VOLDEMORT IS BACK! BEWARE! BWA HAHA!

"OI! WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!" called a loud voice from a table next to theirs in the great hall. "Bloody maniac."

Harry rolled his eyes. "People think I'm delirious."

Neal stared at him. "You have something on your forehead. Do you bathe often?"

Harry laughed. "No—well—yes I bathe very often. But it's not a smudge, it's my scar." His voice turned into a whisper. "From Voldemort. HE'S BACK! HE'S BACK!"

"Oh. Cool. My name is Nealan of Queenscove. But call me Neal." They shook hands.

"Pleased to meet ya Neal."

"My name is Hermione Granger," piped up a brunette girl next to Harry. "I'm Harry's friend. I help him with his homework."

"Hi, herm-io-ninny," said Neal as the two of them shook hands.

"Her-mi-O-knee," Hermione corrected. "Victor Why did you leave me?"

"uUm…that's special," said Neal creeped.

"And I'm Ron Weasely. I'm Harry's friend also. I like to say bloody hell a lot."

The both of them shook hands as well.

"So what part of England are you from?" asked Hermione curiously.

"What's an England?"

"England is a country in Europe," informed Hermione in a teacher like way. "You must be foreign."

"I'm from Tortall."

Hermione thought for a moment. "Never heard of it." The both of them shrugged.

"Well, we better leave," said Ron as Hermione and Harry stood up. "We have to get ready for classes tomorrow." Neal waved them off as he talked to a few other people.

OOO

"OH MY BLOODY GOODNESS. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. AHHHHHHHHH. BLOODY FREAKIN HELL! AHHHHHH. IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS BLOODY FREAKIN EVIL WHAT THE BLOODY HECK IS BLOODY THAT! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE BLOODY KIDDING ME! AHHHHHHH. AH. AH. AH. AH. AH! IT'S—IT'S—IT'S—IT'S BLOODY _HIM!_ OMY BLOODY GOSH! HOLY BLOODY _SHIT_! WE'RE ALL GONNA BLOODY DIE! I'M GONNA BLOODY THROW UP, AND THEN I'M GONNA BLOODY DIE! MOMMY!"

Hermione stared at Ron amused. "Wow. Twelve times, Ron. That's gotta be a record."

"I don't think I've ever heard someone say bloody so much in my life," said Neal with wide eyes

"Students, calm down!" roared the voice of Dumbledore silencing the voices of all of the Hogwarts students. They were all standing in the mess hall. "Even though Lord Voldemort is currently knocking at our front entrance, doesn't mean that we should be panicking.

He has to be kidding right?

"What do you mean we shouldn't be panicking!" cried a student in the crowd. "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is at Hogwarts to come and slaughter us!"

Dumbledore sighed. "I hate being headmaster," he mumbled so no one else could hear him. "WELL THEN WE'LL FIGHT HIM!" he told them loudly.

"Yea! Long live the Order!" cried Lupin from a window. He waved. "High Dumbledore! I was skydiving and decided to literally drop by!"

Dumbledore hit his head with his hand.

All of a sudden there was a crash as the mess hall doors slammed open.

"Damn," whispered Snape. "I knew we should've locked the doors." (A/N: So sad. I used to love Snape until sixth book. Oh well. If you've read HP 6, you know what I mean.)

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHARDYHARHAR! HARYHARHAR! HAR! I AM LORD VOLDEMORT! I HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR SOUL! WHEEE!" bellowed an evil voice from the mess hall door.

Lord Voldemort, who was wearing a long black cape, lowered his hood. When he did, he revealed that—wait. What the hell?

"Roger!" Neal cried alarmed as he stared at the once hooded Voldemort. Indeed it looked to be none other then Roger.

"Neal! What in the name of all things evil are you doing here?"

"That's what I should ask you! I thought you were dead!"

"HAHAHA. I was. You see, when I went to the black god's realm I got bored. And their food tasted really bad. I swear the French fries were made out of toenails. So I decided to leave and call my self Lord Voldemort."

"Well that's screwed," said Neal confused. "I always thought the food there was going to be good."

"Yea I know," agreed Roger. He shrugged. "So when I became Lord Voldemort, I wanted to be the most powerful wizard. My anger at not becoming king still hasn't left me. Damn you Alanna. I always knew that purple eyes was a bad sign. So I got married and—."

"Wait. You got married! To whom!" Neal asked surprised. He really needed to catch up on the latest gossip.

"Honey! Come here please!" Roger called.

Delia poofed out of nowhere and smiled at Neal flirtaciously. "Hi Neal."

"Eww Roger. That's disgusting. And how does Delia know me anyway? We're not even in the same series. Us two aren't even in the same series!"

Roger shrugged. "When you die, you know everything, and everyone."

"Well that's great," said Neal dryly. "But why are you here anyway?"

"Oh. We're here to steal your cheese. We ran out at the house."

_Cricket. Cricket._

All the students stood silently with confused faces.

"Neal. I have a secret," Roger said out of the blue. "I am your father."

_Cricket. Cricket._

"Okay, that's where I have to draw the line," said Neal disgusted. "There is no way—."

"Yes there is."

"I'm not listening!" sang Neal clasping his hands over his ears.

"But it's true," insisted Roger.

"AVADA KADAVRA!" roared Neal loudly while pointing his wand at Roger.

Roger exploded and Delia choked on one of the Roger chunks and died. Yay.

"Neal. You killed Voldemort!" said Neal happily. "People won't think I'm disturbing anymore!"

"Yeah, but they'll still think you're mental mate," said Ron slapping his back. Harry's shoulders drooped.

"When will the world understand me?"

"Nealan of Queenscove!" boomed the voice of Dumbledore. "Even though you destroyed the most evil wizard of all time, I'm sorry to say that I have to expel you! It's time for you to poof back home."

"I get to poof again! Sickness!"

Neal poofed back to Tortall,

_Poof._

OOO

"So, Neal," Kel started with an emotionless face. "Why have you been spying in my room?

Neal stared back at her with a confused face. He had only poofed back about ten seconds before she found him. "Um…I wasn't?"

"AVADA KADAVRA!"

"Kel! That's against the law!"

"Oh. Right."

"I luv acid pops."

"Sure ya do Neal. Do you know what those things do to your tongue? You should eat more vegetables."

Neal gagged.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lol. Kay that was fun to write. Yay I'm done.

Replies:

The Hobbit Lass: thanks. Lol. I updated again today! Yay! And Roger died in this one too. Fun stuff. Lol.. Ya I bet he did. Stupid oaf.

Queen of da kittys: hope ya like this one better. Lol. I had writers block on the last one. No prob tho.


	19. I Can't Believe It's a Fluffy Chapter

Hi… 

Yes I know I'm late. I'm really sorry. Don't give up on me! I couldn't update because our computer had this really evil virus that was like brutally killing our computer. And I've been at camp. Good enough excuses? Good.

Okay then…well this chapter will just hopefully be downright funny, and not in a terribly stupid way. Of course I will have to add in some randomness…it's a sickness, I can't help myself.

Lol.

Disclaimer: what? Do you think I'm smart enough to think of this stuff! If you do then…hey thanks. If not…HOW DARE YOU! ARE YOU CALLING ME STUPID! (humph)

And yes (sigh) it will be fluffy.

Idiot mortals and their obsession with people being connected by the lips…good grief…

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The big plan was a gigantic success. Neal's mission was complete. His life was now worth living. This is a really lame way to start a chapter.

"I win! I win!" cried Neal as he hopped up and down. He decided to do a little dance in his own joy. However, Kel, who was looking at him with an odd face, soon interrupted him.

"Neal, you won a game of Go Fish," said Kel bluntly as she tried to hide her amusement. She began to shuffle the cards. Oh, and by the way, did I mention I love you, but your bitch of a wife Yuki is in my way and I want to kill her? Kel thought to herself.

Neal pouted. "I like winning. It makes me happy inside." By the way, did I mention that I love you, but my bitch of a wife is in my way and I want to kill her? Neal thought to himself.

"NEALAN OF QUEENSOVE!" Kel yelled horrified as she dropped the cards and stared at him with a wide, open mouth.

This display of emotion shocked Neal so much that he began to make screeching noises that sounded a lot like Kitten violently choking on an overcooked, spicy, turkey meatball.

"Neal stop sounding a lot like Kitten choking on overcooked food, you're scaring me."

Neal froze and brushed himself off. "Oh…sorry about that." He then looked at Kel confused. "Did I say what I think I thought out loud while thinking that I actually thought it, but oblivious to the fact that I didn't think I said it?"

Kel rose her brows. "I have no I idea what the hell that means, but yes Neal you did."

"_Shit._"

"Where?"

"By that tree out the window. Man that dog must have eaten a lot or something…"

Kel turned around to look and grimaced before quickly turning back around and staring at her best friend. "You know what this means right?"

"That we're going to need to get a very large pooper scooper?"

Kel smacked her forehead. No dumbass… Jeeze why am I always stuck with the idiots? Oh well, he's cute. Who's complaining? "It means that you hate Yuki."

Neal winced. "When are you going to kill me?"

Kel looked at him confused. "No silly. You don't realize I hate Yuki with a passion as well. And…well…Iluvyou."

"I'm sorry what did you say?" Neal asked leaning in so he could hear her better.

Kel swallowed. "Iluvyou."

"What was that? Just one more time…"

Kel started to glare. "I. Love. You."

Neal still had the look of an old man who just lost his hearing and got his brain removed by a surgeon who never went through any training.

"DAMNIT NEAL I! LOVE! YOU!" Kel was panting by the time she had finished.

Neal gave her a knowing grin. "I wonder how thin these walls are…hmmmm?"

"Darn it all Neal, you heard me the first time didn't you."

"Yup."

"I hate you."

"Woah there…mood swings. First your screaming you love me and the next you hate everything existent, what's next?"

Kel cuffed his ear.

"A temptation to hit everything in sight…I see."

"Get to the point Neal."

Neal looked at her confused. There wasn't really a point to Kel's mood swings. In fact even the wonderful, gifted, perfect, humorous, desirable, beautiful, author was getting quite confused. So she decided to cut to the chase.

"I love you too Kel," said Neal as he smiled a little shyly.

Kel half-smiled. But then that smile turned into a malicious grin that radiated all things evil. "So, how do we kill her?"

"Well I don't know, I'm a healer. And everyone knows that healers are pure at heart."

Kel couldn't help but snort. "So you're saying that I am more violent then you? That's some accurate logic you have here Neal."

"Thanks. And yes I'm saying that you do seem to be a bit more violent then beautiful old me."

Kel glared daggers—actually more like razor sharp spikes—at Neal. "Why do I love you?"

Neal smiled sweetly. "Because I love you back," he said as he whispered in her ear. Kel couldn't help but shiver in agreement. But then, realizing that Neal was purposely drawing away from the topic, she shoved him away.

"NEALAN OF QUEENSCOVE! YOU THINK OF AN EVIL PLAN RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

Neal clapped his hands over his ears. "Okay, okay! Mithros woman! So forceful…okay I thought of it."

Kel stared at him. "Well that was quick."

Neal shrugged. "Whatever. Just, listen up. Okay, here is what we're going to do. Yuki and I scheduled (well actually Yuki forcefully black mailed me) to have dinner with her by the rose garden. Don't ask. I'll start kissing her, and then you creep up behind her with a dagger with your cool Yamani creep that doesn't make a sound. And then you slice her neck viciously. Got it?"

"That's actually a pretty good plan."

Neal brushed off his tunic. "Well…what can I say? Being a man and all…"

Kel slapped him on the shoulder playfully. "Don't push it Queenscove."

Neal pouted. "Yes mother."

Kel smiled heatedly at Neal, as she tried to make his hair look more like it actually had some sort of order. "How about a quickie before we get ready for the plan?" she whispered only scant inches from his face.

Neal's green eyes widened, and he blushed an impressive shade of maroon. "Kel…this is so sudden. Truthfully I don't think we're ready for such," he swallowed. "Dramatic actions. I mean…we only found out about five minutes ago that we actually—."

Kel looked at him with disbelief. "I knew it. All that men think about is bloody SEX! Nealan of Queenscove, you should be ashamed of yourself. I did not mean that at all. I meant…well…since no one is here…watching…that we could…well…"

Neal's blush vanished without a trace and he smiled at her. He brought his hand around her neck and brought her head up to his for a fierce kiss. He brought his other hand around her waist to pull her closer as Kel's hands wove through his hair making it only messier then it had been before.

Neal cut it off only seconds later and brought his lips to her ear. "That quick enough my Lady Knight?"

Kel looked deep into his eyes, her face only a mere inch away from his as she grinned. "I think you're meaning of quick is quite different from mine Sir Neal."

Neal kissed her again. "That's what I thought."

Kel looked at Neal with wanting eyes as she brought his head towards him and kissed him with so much fierceness that it left Neal gasping and thinking of algebra to clear his thoughts. Neal kissed her back as he ran his hands up and down the sides of her back caressing her fragile, yet muscular body.

Kel smiled in her kiss as shivers began to take over her. She hadn't been kissed since Cleon had left her so many years ago, and Gods did it feel good. All of those years of watching Neal flirt with girls, Neal meet Yuki, Neal kissing Yuki right in front of her eyes, and then Neal being out of her grasp by her once Yamani friend when they got married had scarred her hope savagely. But now, witch each soft kiss on her wanting lips, those scars began to disappear. Neal was _her_ man, and anyone who dared to disagree would have to talk face to face with her glaive. Not a very wise idea really.

Her stomach dropped when Neal began to slide his hand under her shirt and stroke her stomach. His hand was so soft to her skin that it made her feel warm down to the very tips of her toes. Out of need, she increased the kiss, all those years of hopelessly crushing on him poured into her lips and searching tongue. Her own hand slipped under his tunic and pressed against his chest. His body was lean…but damn…he had quite a muscular…ahem…well then, back to the story…

"Neal," Kel groaned in between a seductive kiss.

"Kel," Neal moaned back.

"No…_Neal_," Kel said with more emphasis.

"…Kel."

Kel cut off the kiss and looked at him sharply. "Neal, stop moaning my name like you're having an orgasm and listen to me…Mithros _sake_."

Neal blushed. "Sorry."

"I forgive you. But _you _have to get ready for your date with Yuki, and _I _need to think of the best way to kill her."

"Yes Ma'am."

Neal began to take off his shirt…

"NOT IN FRONT OF ME QUEENSCOVE!" Kel said horrified, but then she froze and thought for a second. "Well actually…if you want to…NO! BAD KEL. NAUGHTY NAUGHTY KEL!" She turned to Neal who was looking at her amused with his hot, shirtless…anyway… "Neal, as much as I enjoy the view, I think you should go in the bathroom to change."

"But, this is my room."

"Ah…well then I'll be seeing you at the rose garden then."

Neal shrugged. "Kay."

Kel walked out of the room with a blush that rivaled Cleon's hair.

OOO

Yuki was looking quite…well to put it frankly she was looking like a man who just went through plastic surgery, put on 2.5 tons of makeup on her face, got attacked by a hungry Griffin, got eaten by an evil albino, tap dancing, newt, then thrown back up again, kicked around by soccer obsessed giants, and then served for food at McDonalds. In other words, you could say that she looked as disturbing as usual.

"Yuki, luv, you look just as…_beautiful_…as ever darling," said Neal as he held his wife's over manicured hand. "Did you loose weight?"

Yuki giggled/snorted/weesnawed/roared disturbingly. "Oh darling. I LOVE you SO much! Unlike my 15 other BOYFRIENDS that I'm secretly CHEATING on with RIGHT now! Tea?"

Neal winced. "…Was it made by you?"

"YES!" Yuki said…um… elegantly.

Neal rubbed his head. "I think I'll stick with the wine."

Yuki smiled maniacally. "Okay then DEAR. I GUESS you're just getting DRUNK for TONIGHT?…!..!….?..!…!"

Neal almost hurled. "Yeah…tonight." Okay, Neal thought, time to get this over with. Pucker up pretty boy.

Holding hands with Yuki, he made her stand up. Gently he pressed his lips to hers.

"Mmmmmhmmmmhmmmhmmhmmmmm." Yuki moaned. Neal almost gagged but fought it down. What was I on when I married her? He thought to himself. Oh well…it will all be over soon.

He opened his eyes when they were still kissing to see Kel creeping along with a dagger in her hands. She winked at him and brought her finger to her lips. Neal winked back, still kissing Yuki.

All of a sudden the disturbing sound effects of Yuki stopped and the sound of a bloody body hitting the ground was heard.

"Shit, Neal. What are we going to do with the body!" Kel whispered frantically. They forgot about this part.

Neal pursed his lips as the gears in his brain turned quickly. "Quick! Let's run away crazily with the evidence and hide in the dark and spooky forest before someone sees us!" They both bolted off like terrified deer.

When they were just feet inside the spacious forest, they stopped and leaned against a trunk to catch their breath.

Then, all of a sudden, Kel saw something far, far in the distance.

"Oh my Gosh Neal! The IFMWK (Institution For Maniac Wife Killers) is coming!" screamed Kel frantically as she held Yuki's body. "Where are we going to put her!"

Neal thought quickly with wide eyes. "Quick! Shove her in that yawning bear's mouth," he said pointing to a bear that just so happened to be feet away from them.

Kel did so gratefully. Suddenly, the yawning bear noticed that somehow he wasn't hungry anymore. Fascinating.

"Hello you two," said a member of the IFMWK in a hilariously serious tone. "You haven't happened to see a couple of punk kids run off with a body and shove it into a bear's mouth did you?"

"Er…no. I'm pretty sure I haven't. But I think the first place you should check is that dangerously steep ditch over there. You never know what's hiding in these parts anymore…"

The member nodded. "Thanks."

Kel and Neal also walked away with relief on their faces. They winced at the sound of the member tumbling down the ditch. Then there was a yell.

"HEY! THOSE PUNKS MADE GARY FALL DOWN THE DITCH! AFTER THEM!"

Kel's and Neal's eyes widened as they ran for dear life.

OOO

"Hey Kel," started Neal rather confused. "How did we end up in these tombs? It smells like sweaty old men."

Kel gagged. "Gods Neal, don't make me hurl. And I don't know how we got here. The last thing I remember was that we were running away from those crazy IFMWK people."

"Maybe we got lost."

"Ha ha ha…good one Neal."

OOO What Really Happened OOO

"Run quicker Kel!" yelled Neal over his shoulder.

"Well sorry Mr. Never Ending Energy, but I wasn't born with trait for running like a five legged cheetah high off of Mithros know what!"

By then they were inside of the palace and running up a flight of stairs.

"Why are we still running?" called Kel over towards Neal."

"What if they are still on our tail!"

"_Shit!_"

"Quick, in this room!" cried Neal as he grabbed Kel's wrist and tugged her into a room. Both of them lacked to see the sign that read: Numair's Memory Charm Lab.

"Oh…erm. Hi Numair!" said Neal cheerfully as the two of them stood in the room awkwardly.

Numair was sitting on a chair reading The Best Way to Impress People With Your Magical Powers by Henry the Toe. He looked up and smiled. "Oh, hello! Has anything dramatic happened today to you guys! As my mother always says, 'Drama is always enjoyable until you get carried away and slice your wife's neck'." The mage burst out in laughter.

Kel exchanged horrified glances with Neal. "Heh heh heh. Good one. Silly parents. Heh. They always come up with the oddest things…" started Kel. She then tried to change the subject. "So, Numair, how is life with nine toes?"

Numair shrugged. "Pretty much the same. I almost have my walking down." Kel and Neal pretended to be happy for him. "So…do you guys want to see my newest potion?"

"Oh…um…sure!" said Neal innocently.

Numair beamed at them. He reached over to a table and grabbed a vile of orange looking liquid.

"It's a memory potion," said Numair. "It will erase anything that happened in the past seven minutes." Numair began to stand up to get closer. Unfortunately walking with nine toes is a rather difficult thing. Numair tottered right onto the floor like a stiff beam of wood. Fortunately the potion vile didn't break.

"Oh, no big deal, I'll get up by my self," said the carefree Numair as he began to get back up again. Neal and Kel just stared at him. "No really, I'm fine. I don't need any help at all. Thanks for asking."

Thirty seconds later, Numair was back on his nine toes with the potion in his hands. He continued with the walk towards them when all of a sudden…

_Oof._

Numair fell again (today was not a good day for our mage). Somehow with some exotic force that only Jedi could explain, the potion shattered and drops of it flew into Kel's and Neal's mouth.

All of a sudden, everything seemed to be moving in a cool, Matrix slow motion. Kel and Neal were shot back towards the doorway from the impact of the drops going in their mouths (don't ask). Neal was yelling and flailing like a mad man as he slammed against the door. However, the door wasn't closed all the way and he was thrown out of the room with Kel tripping behind him. Neal grabbed Kel's hand as he started to fall sideways, bringing Kel with him. With a horrified yell, the two of them fell down several hundred flights of stairs with such clumsiness that would have made Emmy jealous.

Meanwhile, back in Numair's room, Numair quickly stood up and walked back to his seat with a cat-like grace. "Ah, I love messing with the kids," Numair said as he chuckled.

OOO

"I don't know what happened," admitted Neal as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Whatever," said Kel looking around. All that is our concern is getting out of here."

Neal grinned. "How about a little spit sharing to celebrate our victory."

Kel looked at him with a smile. "I hardly think making out in the presence of dead people is at all romantic. After we get out of this place, I would be more then happy to kiss you Neal."

Neal smiled as he looked around. "Oh…a button! I wonder what it does!"

Now you see, Neal loved buttons. Instantly, if he saw any type of button, he would go racing towards it like some type of wild moose chasing a sexy guy, or girl in his case. Whether it be, elevator buttons, belly buttons, or just the average button, Neal would go crazy.

Kel smacked her head. "Here we go again."

Neal raced towards the prey…I mean…button, with the grace of a ballerina hippo. Slam! He hit the button so hard he nearly broke his hand. But…he didn't.

What he lacked to see was what the button label read.

_Warning! Do not push! If doing so, the result will be having the life of Roger of Conte come back from the dead. _

"NEAL DID YOU JUST DO WHAT I THINK I SAW YOU JUST DO?…!…!" Kel said with freaky, bulgy eyes as she stared at a very confused Neal.

"Um…yeah?"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHARY HAR HAR (hack)! HARY HAR HARY HAHAHAHHEEHEEHEEBWA HA HA! HAHA (Yay I'm back from the dead!)! HAHAHA (wow)!" said an evil voice that sounded a lot like Roger coming back from the dead from a room next to the one they were in.

"Oh…shit."

"Where?"

"Shut up Neal, this is your entire fault," Kel said as she glared at him.

The door burst open and there stood Roger wearing limes green bell-bottoms, a pink top, and some pretty groovy shoes.

"HEY MAN! WHAZZUP! I'M BACK!"

Kel and Neal froze. Was this really Roger?

"Hey buddy, what's with the hippie suit?" asked Neal confused as he looked at the evil guy standing before them.

"It was for the Halloween ball at the Black God's realm. Pretty sweet huh?"

Kel smirked. "Yeah. It's wonderful. But listen, this event with you coming back from the dead and all, wasn't really supposed to happen, so we're going to have to kill you. Hope you don't mind."

Roger stared at them. "Mind? Well f course I mind! Now that I'm back, I can finally see my lover again!"

Kel and Neal exchanged glances. "Lover?" the both asked confused.

Roger nodded. "Oh Delia! Where did you go?" he called in a singsong voice.

All of a sudden Delia popped out of nowhere. Which was quite shocking because usually people didn't do that.

"Hellooo darling," Delia purred seductively to her lover as she walked over. Roger grinned as he scooped Delia up in her arms and kissed her thoroughly before putting her down again kissing some more.

Neal grimaced as he looked away. "Um…how about we leave those two love birds alone. We'll kill Roger later. All of this romance is making me hungry."

Kel grinned and walked up an only just noticed flight of stairs to the ground level of the palace.

(A/N: idiots…not even noticing the stairs before…And now what you have been waiting for. A very fluffy love scene with Kel and Neal. Yay. And I still don't understand why you mortals like this 'kissing' stuff so much. This is a strange strange world…)

OOO

"Kel, you're in my room again."

Kel blushed, and wiped her hands on her pants. "I just wanted to tell you…um…how much I…how much I liked going through this whole thing with you. You know?"

Neal grinned as he walked towards Kel and wrapped her up in his arms so tight that Kel felt like she was going to burst. "And I just wanted to tell you how much I like kissing you."

Kel put a finger to Neal's lips as her hazel eyes twinkled mischievously. "Less talking, more kissing."

Neal was happy to oblige. He kissed her wantingly, his tongue teasing her mouth to open and explore her. Kel kissed him back with as much passion as Neal as her hands snaked around his hair.

Neal's hands went around Kel's back as he stroked her lovingly, claiming her as his own. She was _his _girl, and no one was going to take that away from him. When he was young, not to mention foolish, he always thought that curves and beauty were all that counted. That the more beautiful the girls were, the happier he would be, damn was he wrong. He always thought Kel as…well…Kel. Just his best friend, nothing else. But as he grew older, he realized that he was wrong. Kel wasn't Kel, Kel was a girl (A/N: wow nice going Neal, you can tell what sex people are now. Congrats.), a beautiful one at that. Of course she didn't have those tempting curves, that innocent look, and that's what he liked about her. She had her own little spark to her. And that spark made her, to his eyes, the most beautiful girl in the world.

Anyway…the author realized that she was drifting off and not being funny or fluffy, so she went back to the kissing scene…

Kel cut off the kiss slowly, and leaned her head on the nape of Neal's neck. She fit him perfectly. She shivered, and her stomach dropped to her feet when Neal planted a kiss on her head and ran more down her neck and jaw. Kel once again found her man's lips and pressed lovingly against her own.

Her finger twitched to touch his bare skin, to feel his warm body pressed against her own. To have that comfort that she had lacked of since Cleon had left her. She couldn't help herself, her hands rose up to the top of the buttons on the front of his shirt. She began to undo it with careful fingers, Neal didn't hesitate, he just pressed his body harder to hers. She undid the second one.

Neal cut off the kiss sweetly, his lips on a paper's width away from hers. His eyes were still closed as he whispered, "Take it off."

Kel began to undue the buttons quicker as his lips found hers again. Faster then she thought, his shirt had been thrown carelessly to the ground by her hands as she kissed his long and hard.

His body was hard, but felt so soft against her skin, it brought warmth to her that couldn't be felt by the heat of the sun. Her blood rushed fast through her body; her heart was at the tempo of a quick presto. Her hands searched his muscular back that was lean, yet strong to her gentle hands. Her other hands was pressed against his chest, fingering the small patch of hair, and stroking his strong stomach…oh my…was that a six pack...?

Chills swept up and down her spine when Neal began to untie the back lacing of her shirt. She couldn't help but hesitate, his fingers quickly stopped and he cut off the kiss. 

Kel shivered again. She felt empty and abandoned without his hands on her. She wanted him to explore her body like she did to him. She looked up into his confused green eyes. "Don't stop," she whispered as she kissed him again.

"Are you sure?" Neal asked seriously in between loving kisses.

The smile in her lip-lock was enough of an answer for Neal.

He began to slowly undo the rest of her ties. Gracefully he slipped the shirt from her body and wrapped one of his arms around her hip. He stroked her stomach.

"I love you," Neal said in between many wet kisses.

Kel left his lips and trailed her kisses down his neck and to his chest. Neal planted a kiss on her forehead.

"I love you too," she whispered with as much emotion as she felt when her mouth found his ear. Neal shivered as he kissed her sweetly again and began to stroke her breasts.

Kel stomach dropped, and she smiled in her kiss. She pressed her body harder against his. Her body ached for him, for him to love her until the end of her days. She knew they were meant to be. And though they only discovered their feelings for each other earlier that day. It felt like she had been a lover with this man for years. And perhaps, in some twisted way, they have been.

Neal's hands went to her back and found their way to the hook of her breast band. His hands shook. Gods he loved this girl, he wanted to learn all about her, and he felt like she had the same thoughts. His body hurt to keep contained, to not throw her down right now and make love to her. No…Kel was going to be the one to decide when it was time.

From the way that Kel moaned when Neal began to unhook her breast band, he knew she would be fine. Gently, he took off her breast band and discarded it away with all the rest of her clothes. Gods she was beautiful. He stroked her breasts gently, with their bodies smashed against each other like they were one.

Kel didn't feel at all exposed, she felt loved and wanted. She wanted to love Neal, right now. It didn't matter; she had her pregnancy charm. Cutting off the kiss and taking his hand, she led him to his bed.

Neal laid her down, his hands on her shoulders as he hovered over her body and stared deep into her eyes. He straddled her hips and kissed her again and again as he gently began to take off her breeches and…that's where I'm going to end it.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lol. wow…don't want to change the ratings there. I do not want this to be an M fic. Um…if you think the ratings should be raised due to this little fluffy moment, seriously tell me because I don't want to be kicked off (again). Lol

Um yeah…

I hope you guys liked it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I made it oober long so that I could make up for all the lateness. Sorry.

Replies:

Retarted Monkies: lol. Yes I do find that some reviews and replies are quite interesting…lol. Yeah! Snape is quite…well actually…I have a secret. Okay, so I re read HP 6 and I realized that there was no way Snape could just kill Dumbledore without some hesitation or reason. So…that's when I figured out that Snape isn't actually evil. Funny huh. And now you're probably wondering why. E-mail me and I'll tell you.

Silver-star-0: lol. thanks. Sometimes I just read over the stories as well just to see what random things I thought of back in the day. Fun. Oh and guess what, I figured out that Snape isn't actually evil. Um…e-mail me.

Tortall princess: lol. Yeah…when I re read my story sometimes, I find myself laughing so hard it's disturbing. Hahaha I never thought I was that funny. W/e. And guess what? Snape isn't actually evil, so don't kill him! I'm pretty sure that he killed Dumbledore for a good reason. E-mail me. Flettangsan. Well there was a little bit of Delia Roger in here. Lol. Sorry about not updating soon at all.

Sull89: I freakin love Malfoy! Arg! Awesome guy! Roger chunk, what was I on when I wrote that. Geez. Sorry about not updating so fast. Um…did you know that Snape isn't actually evil…I'm pretty sure? I re read HP6 and took like hard core notes and stuff. E-mail me and I'll tell ya why.


	20. much ado about radishes

School…is very important when you think of your future. School…is the key to a life worth living. Even though school can be…stressful…and…time consuming…it will all be worth it in the end.

Well enough about that shit.

I'm back!

So I'm just sitting here on my computer and I have no idea what this next chapter will be bring or even how to freaking start it, but at least I'm trying. You know…this is going to be the twentieth chapter of this story. That's going to be 20 chapters of nothing but random stupid stuff. And it is very hard to write so much random stupid stuff. But hey…it's fun.

And as this will be the 20 chapter of this story, I shall make this the best chapter ever!

(Dramatic music)

You guys know I'm just rambling on and typing about nothing until I think about stuff right?

It's not working too well.

Ah what the heck…I'll give it a go.

Chh…best chapter ever my ass.

Disclaimer: Dude…I don't even care anymore.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

In this world, there are two types of people. People who like radishes, and people who don't like radishes.

Neal did not like radishes.

And you see, that's where the whole problem starts. Radishes don't like it very much when people don't like them. First of all, it hurts their feelings. Yes they have feelings…idiots. And second, it's bad for the environment. You see, the more people who don't like radishes the more radishes don't get eaten.

Which is not good.

You see, if people like Neal don't eat radishes, if all the people in the world don't eat radishes, then the radishes will keep on proliferating until THEY TAKE OVER THE WHOLE WORLD!

Which is not good.

DON'T YOU SEE YOU IDIOT MORTALS! IF THEY TAKE OVER THE WORLD EVERYTHING WILL BE RAN BY THOSE PEVERTED LOOKING VEGETABLES! WOULD YOU LIKE A RADISH TO RUN CHINA? OR THE US? I DIDN'T THINK SO!

And so, I conclude my case that there are indeed two types of people in this world. One type, will be the downfall of the human race (not that I'm complaining…ah I mean…) and thus the destruction and off balance of the world.

Well actually, this has nothing to do with the story.

King Jonathan stared out of the window. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. No mutant mushrooms were attacking. His underwear was hanging out the window…

Wait.

His underwear was hanging out the window?

Jonathan fumed. That was the third time this week he had woken up with his sexy lingerie hanging from his window for all of Tortall to see. He shoved open the window and reached for his line of undergarments.

People were chuckling below him. He looked down to see a small crowd forming under his window three stories below.

"Hey King! Nice thong!"

King Jonathan blushed. Now his secret was revealed. He reached again for his underwear, but every time he thought he had it, the wind would blow it out of his reach.

God damn…he thought angrily. His face was now the color of Kel's face if she wasn't Yamani trained and Neal had just kissed her.

King Jonathan froze with a confused expression at the odd comparison and shook his head.

Alas! Victory! He thought proudly in his mind. For he had grasped his line of colorful underwear. He beamed proudly and reeled the line in. Perhaps I should retire, thought Jonathan happily.

But alas, King Jonathan could not retire. For first he had to find the stupid people who committed such a crime.

And he had a good idea their names were…

OOO

"Merric, Neal, Faleron, Raould, and Owen!" said Kel furious as they stood in Neal's rooms. The door that was wide open had people peering in curiously, wondering what the heck was going on and who the crazy chick yelling so loud was. "You did what!"

Owen looked down sheepishly. "Jolly jee, we just hung the Kings jolly underwear out the jolly window. What's the jolly deal?"

Kel gaped at them. "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL! DO YOU _KNOW _WHAT YOU JUST DID!" the whole palace seemed to shake.

Neal thought for a moment. "You know, I think we put the king's underwear out the window. That's what we did," he said grinning innocently.

Kel smacked her forehead with her hand. Idiots surrounded her. "Why would you even do that?"

"Cause the king's an asshole," pointed Faleron as if it was a fact. In fact, it was a fact. It was stated as one in the book of All of the Stupidest Facts and what Not That You could Think of, by Roger.

"I agree completely," said Raould.

"Well, why didn't you invite me?" said Kel angrily.

Silence.

"Um…," started Neal. "Well, we didn't think girls liked to do those things."

Kel stared. "You're kidding me right? Girls do those things all the time. I bet, that girls do more daring and stupid things then boys do," Kel said with a know it all smile.

All of them snorted. "Good one Kel," Merric said. "Girls don't do anything like that. They flutter their eyelashes and wear pretty dresses to get our attention."

Kel crossed her arms over her chest. "Oh really?" Kel said with a daring look. "Are you challenging me?"

"You bet," said Neal with a grin. "No girl is more badass then a guy."

"Fine," Kel said. "We'll have two teams. You guys are the guy team, and I'll get my own girl team, and we'll have a challenge on who is more bad ass. We'll have Numair and Daine think of three challenges and then we'll compete tomorrow. Kapeish?"

"Chh…yeah!" said Owen. "Damn this is gonna be jolly."

Kel waved and left the room to leave them prepare. Now all she had to find a team.

Shit…what did I just get myself into? Thought Kel laughing. Do I even know any girls?

OOO

Kel sat on her bed with a piece of paper. Who were the most bad ass girls in the palace?

Kel smiled. "Alanna," she said fighting back a laugh. In anyone in the world was more bad ass then her…she would jump off of Balor's Needle, lick Cleon's toe, and eat hay for a month.

Hopefully Alanna can come, she said as she wrote down the name. I'm sure once I explain the situation…

Kel thought of another name. Angie. Yeah…she's the most bad ass court girl in the city. She scribbled down her name as well.

Pause.

Kel crossed out the name again. She hates me.

"Oh…Yuki!" Kel said. Duh…how could she forget? Actually, she wasn't sure if Yuki was kick ass or not, but she was sure up for anything.

Kel was hesitant about the next name. The girl's name was Kitty. And odd name for such a girl. She was truthfully quite disturbing; saying that she had connections with the dead and was once possessed by her cat. She had a grand fascination of wearing black clothes, and said that she had once eaten a human when she had a temper.

Kel shrugged…she might as well try. I'm sure Kitty is as bad ass as they get anyway.

One more person…she thought as she tapped her pen on her cheek in deep thought.

Kel smiled. Romeli. That chick was amazing. (A/N: um. Romeli is the main character of another story that I'm writing…Guardian of Animal's. If you're reading it and know who she is and stuff then kudos to you. And if you don't. You should read it.) She had the craziest green hair. And the guy team really had the hots for her. Of course who didn't? And of course she had those antlers. Which was totally weird, but hey. Who cares?

Kel scribbled down her name as well and look at her list happily. She was confident that with this team they would win. Now all she had to do was talk to them and of course tell Numair and Daine about their little plan.

OOO

Kel knocked on the big oak door that belonged to Alanna. She waited for a about a minute until Alanna opened the door with a killer looking face that read, how dare you wake me up even though it's only like six out. Kel couldn't help but pale, but Alanna's face softened.

"Oh. I thought you were Jonathan," said Alanna as she looked at Kel. "Come on in."

Kel nodded and stepped inside. The two of them sat down on a couple of chairs. Alanna offered a bottle of wine, but Kel shook her head. Alanna looked at her as if she were delirious and shrugged. She opened the bottle with her teeth and nearly drained half of it before asking what Kel wanted.

(A/N: I gotta say…that's impressive.)

Kel gaped at her before finally shaking herself out of her trance. "Huh? Oh…okay. I have a favor to ask. Will you join on a team with me to compete against these boys?"

Alanna stared. "Hun…what's this about anyway? What team? What's it for? What boys? Are the hot? I need an explanation."

Kel sighed. "Me and Neal, Merric, Owen, Faleron, and Raould had a disagreement on what gender was more bad ass then the other. Obviously they thought that guys were, and me, girls. So now we're having a competition with like tests and stuff on which game is more bad ass. So I want you on the girl's team."

Alanna laughed. "Is this what this is all about? Fine. Those boys need to learn a lesson. And I would love to teach them it."

Kel smiled. "Great. Meet me in my room at eight tonight. We need to discuss plans."

Alanna glared. "I'm sleeping!"

"Bloody hell Alanna get a life!" Kel cried. "No one in their right mind goes to bed at six!"

"In their right mind…"

"Arg!" Kel said throwing up her hands. "Be in my room at eight or suffer the consequences Alanna!"

"Fine!" Alanna snapped.

Both of them snorted and laughed. Kel waved and left the room. Next was Yuki.

Now the author didn't feel like writing about Yuki right now, and decided that Yuki would love to be on the girl's team and skipped right to Kitty.

Mwa ha ha.

OOO

It's not too late now Kel, she reminded herself as she stood in front of the dark door. You can still turn around and walk away.

Darn it Kel just do it! Another part of her yelled.

No…no. She'll kill you! She'll eat you alive and then throw you up and feed you to her collection of souls!

Well…what if none of that is true? What if she's just like us?

FOOL! SHE'S GOING TO KILL YOU. RUN NOW!

No…no! She can't be!

"ARG! I'M GOING INSANE!" Kel cried. The voices in her head stopped and she sighed with relief.

She heard the door creak open. Kitty was staring at her with her dark eyes outlined in ebony makeup.

"What do you want you foolish mortal," Kitty said dangerously in a dark voice.

"Um…I need to talk to you about something."

"Doesn't everyone," said Kitty she sighed. "Come in…but watch out for the bits of glass on the ground. They're being fertilized."

What the…? Thought Kel with a shocked face as she stepped inside.

"I put it on my toast," Kitty informed with a smile. She walked deeper inside and sat down on an altar that was surrounded by glowing candles.

"Um…nice place you have here," Kel complimented as she looked around. She reached her hand towards a bowl of liquid that seemed to glow.

"DON'T TOUCH THAT MORTAL!" Kitty growled. Kel snapped her hand back to her side with wide eyes. "That's my contact to the other realm!"

"…What other realm?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Um…yeah I would."

"The realm in my closet. Where I hide the bodies."

"…Oh."

Kitty examined her nails. "Yesterday, my sister ate this thing that I gave her. Spiders began to crawl out of her ears, and her nose smelled of moose ass. I liked it."

Kel couldn't help but back away. "Listen…Kitty. I need to ask you a favor."

Kitty looked up. "Does it have to do with sticking poles into someone's brain and sucking all of the fat and liquid out with a straw and eating it to summon the dark lord, and then sewing the shriveled body up into a leather jacket as a peace offering?"

"No…?"

"Then I don't want anything to do with it."

"But…"

"DO NOT SPEAK! THE DEAD PEOPLE UNDER MY BED DON'T LIKE IT!" she roared.

"Just listen!" Kel yelled. "My favor involves being bad ass."

Kitty's eyebrow rose. "Continue."

Kel sighed and explained the whole bad ass issue to her. Kitty listened with a dark face, smiling a creepy smile that gave Kel the shivers.

"Fine…I'll join your team. You mortals have the strangest mating rituals."

"Mating rituals?"

"Do not question the ways of my mind," Kitty said. "Me and the dead will have to discuss this favor of yours," she added.

"Um…Kay."

Kitty reached behind her and took out two gigantic slices of steak. Smiling widely, she threw one onto the ground in front of her.

"DARK PEOPLE OF THE DEAD! I CALL YOU FROM UNDER MY BED!" she yelled, then she began to laugh maliciously. Kel began to back up more towards the door.

A hand reached from under her bed and snatched the steak away. A violent chomping sound could be heard from under the bed.

_WHAT DO YOU WANT?_

"SHOULD I JOIN INTO THIS TEAM OF MORTALS TO COMPETE IN THEIR MATING RITUAL?"

_WELL WHY NOT? MORTAL EVENTS ARE ALWAYS AMUSING._

Kitty grinned. "Fine," she said to Kel. "I will be in your competition. BWA HA HA HA! MWA HA HA HA! AND SOON I SHALL TAKE OVER THE WORLD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HACK HAHAHAHAHAHBWA HA HA HARDY HAR HAR!"

Kitty tore a chunk out of the other piece of raw steak with her teeth and ate it violently. "NOW GO FOOLISH MORTAL! OR I WILL FEED YOU TO MY RABID CHIPMUNKS AND HIT YOU WITH A SHOVEL!"

Kel tripped out of the room with a terrified yelp.

All right. Next room…Romeli.

OOO

Kel walked up to Romeli's quarters which were…um…lets just say…in the palace. Despite Kel meeting Romeli before, she had to admit that she was kinda scary.

Kel knocked feebly. I'll just be thankful that she's not like Kitty, Kel thought with a sigh.

Romeli opened the door with a tired look. What was up with people going to bed so early anyway? I mean really?

"Yeah…" Romeli said as she looked at her. Kel looked up into her eyes and was suddenly trapped in her chaotic gaze. Gods she hated that girl's eyes.

"Oh…um, I need to ask you a favor."

Romeli opened up the door wider. "Come on in."

Kel walked in and sighed with relief. Romeli's room wasn't creepy at all. Hell…she had a lot of weapons, and at the moment Kel was scared for her life, but aside from that…it looked pretty normal…except for the…

"Um…Romeli," started Kel. Romeli turned and looked at her with raised brows. "There's a moose in your room."

Romeli smiled as she looked at her hoofed friend. "I know. His name is Bert. Isn't he the hottest?"

Kel swallowed. "Um…irresistible."

"So, what do you want?" the mage asked as she sat down. Kel sat down as well…well she would have if there wasn't a fat penguin sitting in the other chair.

"Oh," Romeli started. "Sorry. Henry, I know you think the chair is comfy, but really…wouldn't you like the bathtub better?"

The penguin sighed, and hobbled out of the seat. Kel sat down with a pale face. She began to explain the whole situation with the bad assness and what not.

Romeli looked at her amused. "So…you think I'm bad ass?"

"Um…yes?"

Romeli laughed. "Damn right I am. I would love to teach those guys a lesson. Men…"

Kel laughed. She liked this girl. "Yeah…well meet in my room at eight. We need to discuss our strategy."

"But I was sleeping!"

"God dammit what is with you people and sleeping early!" Kel cried throwing up her hands. "My room! Eight! Be there or die!"

Romeli paled. "Woah there."

Kel waved and left the room. Now…to deal with other matters.

OOO

(A/N: so um…I'm just gonna skip to the competition now cause this chapter us getting long and I have other stuff to do. Lol)

"LADIES AND GENTELMEN!" roared the voice of the commentary person who just happened to be Emmy. She giggled insanely. "WELCOME TO THE COMPETITION!"

The crowd roared and cheered in the Tortall coliseum that evidently hadn't been needed until now.

"NOW TO INTRODUCE OUR TWO BAD ASS TEAMS!" Emmy cried. "FOR THE BOYS TEAM! YOU LOVE 'EM, YOU HATE 'EM, THEY'RE SEXY, AND THEY LOVE MESSING AROUND WITH THE KING'S LINGERE! IT'S NEAL, FALERON, MERRIC, OWEN, AND RAOULD!"

"That's who did it!" cried the voice of the king from the crowd. However, people cheering for the guys as they walked in drowned his voice out. The king was soon mobbed by anti-Jon people and bashed on the head by spiky clubs and sharpened antlers.

"AND ON THE GIRL'S TEAM. THEY'RE HOT, THEY KICK ASS, AND THEY'RE KINDA DISTURBING! IT'S KEL, ALANNA, KITTY, YUKI, AND ROMELI!"

Another roar of cheers was heard. "Romeli you have the hottest ass in Tortall!" someone yelled in the crowds. Romeli blushed and blew a kiss to the crowds as they walked in. Kel laughed, and Kitty was performing an ancient curse to kill all the civilians, but then Alanna told her to stop it. Kitty had a giant temptation to eat Alanna just then, but then decided against it. She was still full from her last victim. And Alanna was dinner dessert material anyway.

So…

"ALRIGHT EVERYONE SHUT UP!" cried Emmy. Her voice was so powerful, that she tripped backwards and fell on her butt. She stood back up quickly. "AND HERE ARE OUR JUDGES! IT'S THE POWERFULL AND MANLY NUMAIR!"

Romeli snorted. "Manly? You're kidding me right?"

"Men taste good in chicken broth and dumplings," Kitty added.

Romeli laughed.

"OUR NEXT JUDGE IS THE ROTTING AND MOLDY THOM!"

Alanna smacked her hand on her head. "God damn, how many times does one have to kill someone before they realize that they should actually be dead!"

"Wait…you killed Thom?" asked Yuki.

"Only the third time that he came back alive. The second time was by Jonathan. Apparently Thom stole his favorite plush bear."

"Ah…what about the fourth time."

Alanna thought for a second. "You know, I think that time was Uncle Bobby, but of course I always get my uncle and my grandma mixed up. They always look so alike. And I'm pretty sure the tailor down the road killed him the seventh time. And I think George was responsible for the rest of them."

"Oh…well that makes sense."

"How'd you kill him?"

"Oh shut up Kitty."

"AND OUR LAST JUDGE IS NONE OTHER THEN HEARTDAMOOSE!"

(A/N: -snigger-)

The crowds roared as the beautiful heartdamoose stood up and waved to the roaring crowd. She flapped her small angelic wings happily and blew kisses to the crowds. When she sat down again her antlers (which were pierced multiple times) got caught on a chunk of Thom. She glared at the stupid man and ripped her antler from his flesh, which then resulted in Thom falling apart to pieces, which made her laugh hysterically.

"My fingers smell like my breakfast," said Kitty as she stared at them curiously. She began to nibble on one. Kel pulled the finger out of her mouth and glared. Kitty glared back and began to gnaw on her finger again.

"ALRIGHT. I KNOW YOU GUYS THINK HEARTDAMOOSE IS THE GREATEST EVER, BUT GIVE IT A REST. LET'S GET THIS COMPETITION GOING! OUR FIRST CHALLENGE IS…

"How the Heck are we gonna screw over an old guy?" asked Kel to her team frustrated.

"God I don't know. I mean. I know tons of pranks, but the old guy would have to be pretty gullible and stupid," said Yuki

Alanna rolled her eyes. "He's an old man. He'll fall for anything."

A wicked smile curled on Kitty's lips. "I have a plan."

The rest of them exchanged looks. "I'm all ears," said Kel.

"Well, Romeli will come up to the Old Man and talk to him for a little while. You know…about death and how pointless the world is. And then Alanna will go behind him and get a whoopee cushion. Romeli will tell the man to sit down in a chair, and Alanna will set down the cushion thing…"

"That's the oldest prank in the world," said Yuki doubtful. "I doubt we're gonna get any points with that."

"Shush you foolish mortals!" Kitty growled, eyes burning with fire. "I was not finished. Now, before hand, Kel will cut one of the chair legs in half so that it's faulty but will keep the broken leg looking like it's in tact. When the man sits on the chair. People will think he ripped a big one, and he'll fall on his ass."

"I have to admit that's a good one," said Romeli as she smiled. "I like it."

Alanna grinned in agreement. "Yeah…and I also have something to add to that."

Kel ushered her to explain.

"Okay. So then Kel will come up and be all concerned and help the man on his feet. She'll usher him to a kitchen of sorts…"

"How are we gonna get a kitchen?"

Alanna shrugged. "I have friends in high places. I'll get a kitchen here. So anyway…she'll talk to him a little bit about food. Kel, you'll do your best to make him as hungry as possible as you sit there and talk. Eventually, he'll stand up and walk to a cabinet that is full of food. He'll open the cabinet and a whole bunch of mouse dung will rain on his head."

Kel laughed. "That's a good one. We'll do that for sure. Anything else to add?"

"The grand finale," said Romeli with a wicked smile on her face. "Kitty will come and scare the shit out of him."

"I like it."

"I like your face," said Kitty with a wicked smile.

"I like your mom," said Kel as a comeback.

Kitty broke into a sneer. "I liked your dad last night."

Everyone grimaced. "Enough with the insults. Let's get ready."

OOO

The old stupid man (and when I say stupid I mean incredibly stupid. Frankly, the man looked ridiculously mental…almost senile it seemed). Stood there and everything was in the middle of the arena thingy. There was even a kitchen that came with a sink and color coordinating napkins.

Romeli winked at them all as she walked towards the man. The crowd began to clap and whistle. This was gonna be good. The other people in the group walked away and out of the old man's vision to prepare.

"Hello there," greeted Romeli with a sweet smile as she waved at the old, mental man. "What's your name?"

"Beef Wellington please," said the old man with a happy smile.

Romeli looked around confused. "That's great. Er…Beef. Say, do you like to ride horses?"

"I've been to Carthak."

"Really? That's wonderful. I've never been there before. Is the place any good? Is the food there any good? I heard it was spicy."

"The bathrooms smell like mushrooms."

Romeli's eyebrows rose. "Hmmm…do you like mushrooms?"

"It snowed yesterday."

Romeli started to get frustrated. "Did it really? I didn't notice."

"Why yes…my dentures do fit."

"OI! IS THIS A FREAKING GIRLY TEA PARTY OR IS THIS A KICK ASS COMPETITION. WHERE'S THE PRANKS!" cried a voice from the crowds.

Romeli glared, but sighed. "Say…how about you sit down? I'm sure you're tired."

"The cheese is old!"

"I'm sure it is," Romeli said as she led the man towards the chair. Romeli saw Alanna wink at her and place the whoopee cushion on the chair. And echo of sniggers could be heard around the field. Romeli could see that Kel had already cut the chair. Romeli couldn't help but grin.

"Well why don't you sit down?" she asked.

The old man nodded and sat down with a constipated sigh.

_Fart._

Laughs roared through the crowds as the old man looked around for culprit who made such a rude sound oblivious to the fact that it was he all along. And then…

_Crack._

The chair snapped and the man fell on his ass. A bigger roar of laughter rolled through the crowds.

Romeli gasped. She could hardly contain her laughter. "…Oh my goodness! Sir! Are you all right!" she said as she helped him up. More laughs came from the stands.

"My grandmother ate my pet rat."

(wtf?)

Romeli brushed him off and looked around for Kel. She came walking up with a concerned face. "Listen," said Romeli with a soft face. "I need to go shopping. My friend Kel will take care of you."

"You didn't cook the peas right."

Kel walked up and winked at Romeli. Romeli smiled and laughed as she left. "Come with me," Kel said with a helping face. "Let's find a good chair this time."

She helped the old man sit down by the table. She sat across from his with an innocent smile.

"So…what's your favorite food?"

"Well, the finger nails seem fine to me."

"Fascinating. And how do you like your…finger nails…cooked?"

"You're color coordinating."

"Why thank you. Do you like carrots?"

"Beef Wellington."

Kel beamed. "Now we're getting somewhere! What do you like about Beef Wellington?"

"Sorry. I'm married."

Kel looked at him disgusted. The crowd laughed. Two things were absolutely horrific about what he had just said. One, he was married. Who would want to marry him? And second, he just implied to Kel that he would not date her. Which is disturbing in many, many ways.

Kel looked at him with distaste. "So…what's your…er…wife's favorite food."

"The peaches are particularly nice."

"Hmmm…I like peaches too."

"I'm hungry."

The old man stood up and walked to the very cabinet that was full of mouse dung. The cabinet had a big neon sign that read Lot's of Food on it. Well at least the man could read. He wasn't nearly as stupid as people thought.

He opened the cabinet and a whole bunch of mouse dung began to rain down on him. He slipped and fell on his ass again from the impact and the whole crowd was crying with laughter.

"It smells like Auntie Ben!"

Kel laughed as incredible amounts of dung soiled his clothes and made him smell even worse then he did before. You know that old person smell, the one that smells of medicine and denture cleaner? Well now he smelled of medicine, denture cleaner, and shit. Which is actually a pretty good mix considering they're all made of the same thing. Well I have no idea what that's supposed to mean…so…

Kitty walked up and pulled the man out of the pile of crap. "You smell like my toes."

That's a disturbing thought.

"I like the weather today."

"Mortal…you are a pathetic creature."

"Cheese."

"You do not deserve to live you stupid fool."

"Lick the window. Sugar's good."

"I shall summon the darkness upon you if you utter one more stupid word from those greasy, disgusting lips."

"Splee!"

"BWA HA HA! Darkness shall fall on you! Avada Kadavra!

_Blurp._

"No! My wand is broken! Curses!"

"Mustache!"

Kitty grinned. She took out a bottle of ketchup from her cloak and handed it to the old man. "Would you like some ketchup!" Little did he know that the bottle of ketchup contained baking soda.

"My medicine!" cried the old man happily. He shook the ketchup up and opened the lid. The bottle exploded all over him and his dung covered self and he slipped in all the ketchup crap that collected below him.

Alas. Their mission was complete.

The crowd roared. That was a damn good show.

"OKAY JUDGES!" cried Emmy. "WHAT'S YOU'RE SCORE!"

Numair thought for a moment. "That was an excellent show!" he replied. "And you even included educational science (A/N: oh don't make me puke.) Into you're prank what with baking soda in the ketchup and the gravitational pull of the dung atop the man's head. I love it. I'll give you all a nine out of ten."

There was a shuffle of movement from the pile of Thom chunks. Numair leaned in to hear if Thom was saying anything, but he only shrugged.

All of a sudden, a battle cry was heard in the distance as George ran in with a chaotic smile. He drew his sword and flailed it around crazily. He chopped the Thom chunks into even smaller chunks and threw them into a pot where he cooked him thoroughly and then ate him violently. Kitty smiled happily.

"Ah ha! Victory!" cried George as he sat in Thom's chair.

Alanna rolled her eyes. "What is that twenty two times he's killed him now?"

Yuki shrugged.

"WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE THOM HAS BEEN ANNIHILATED, SO GEORGE WILL TAKE HIS PLACE," announced Emmy.

"Well," started George. "My wife is in this group, and I don't want to be killed, so I'll give you guys a ten."

Heartdamoose laughed. "Well…I have to say those were some pretty kick ass pranks that I…I mean…_you_ guys thought of. And I think the whole drama of Kitty's frustration of not being able to summon the spell really wrapped it all up. I'm not sure how…or even why…but heck. Who gives a damn, right? I'll give y'all a ten just cause I'm nice. But I dunno. Those boys in the other team are damn fine!"

Everyone laughed at Heartdamoose's genius commentary.

But what's this? The other team…the boy team. Began to walk out onto the field. What the heck were they gonna do?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hokay. The Next part will be continued in the next chapter cuz this one is like oober long already.

Sorry I haven't updated in so long.

Replies:

LandUnderWave: I rule? Why thank you! I do rule don't I! And may the moose be with you!

Magequeen: yay I rawk! Sweetness. Dude…there is no such thing as too many reviews. Heck…review as much as you want! Lol. Oh no! Don't die! I'll have Romeli use the Phoenix Spell on you or something! Just don't die!

Tolkienkook: yah…maybe a bit too fluffy. I just read it again and I was grossed out. I guess there is such thing as being too fluffy. It like makes you sick. Perhaps I shall change it.

Tortall princess: I hate yuki! Lol. Well she's all right. But something about her makes me sick. Unfortunately I don't have msn otherwise I would love to chat with you…but yah. Lol.

Sull89: Oh camping! Was it fun! I love camping. I haven't gone in forever tho. Malfoy is a sexy beast. Lol. Did I just say that?

The Hobbit Lass: I know what you mean with the whole Neal and Yuki thingy. They didn't show any romance between them. Kel and Neal would be much better. I hate her too. Lol.

On the other hand…you have five fingers.

heartdamoose


	21. much ado about radishes part 2

Sorry (again)

It's finals and I'm swamped. Pretty sweet. I've also had writer's block. I had no idea what to have the guys do. I still don't…but hey. What chapter in this fic DID I know what I was doing?

Disclaimer: I own me and nothing else.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

In the last chapter… 

_Kel and Neal had a bet on who was more bad ass then the other and decided to have a competition on it. So they both rounded up their teams. The Girls: Kel, Alanna, Yuki, Kitty, and Romeli. And the Boys: Neal, Merric, Faleron, Raould, and Owen. The Girls already completed their first task of three. The first task was screwing over an old man as bad as possible. Besides that, the King got his lingerie stolen and was beaten by pointy antlers, George ate Thom, and heartdamoose gave genius commentary as a judge. _

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

Neal, to put it lightly, was as terrified as a deer who just walked in front of bright headlights and the driver of the car was a blind man who loved hunting, and whose favorite food was skinned, roasted, deer on a stick.

If cars existed of course.

Nevertheless, Neal was still quite scared. The girls put on quite a kick ass show. He looked at his teammates hesitantly as they walked onto the field.

"Do you think we can beat them?"

Faleron gave him a 'your crazy' look. "Hells yeah."

"Alrighty then."

"Let's get this show on the road," said Merric as he rubbed his hands together. They walked up to a different old man who looked equally as stupid.

All of sudden, with a shocking hilarity, Neal tripped over a very small pebble. His body lay sprawled and lifeless on the ground.

Kitty and Kel exchanged looks as they watched. Kitty licked her lips. "Look at that defenseless human lying like bait. He looks so…flammable."

Kel's brows rose. "You better not eat my friend. Or I'll eat you."

Kitty smiled. "If I ate your friend, and then you ate me, then you would be eating your friend. It's like transitive property."

Kel paled. "Then I'll cut you into bits and not eat you."

"Shut up both of you! I'm trying to watch!" snapped Alanna as she glared at them.

There was a growl from Kitty that was soon followed by silence as they watched.

Back where the real action was, the rest of the boy team stood around as the old man came up to Neal's body.

The old man clicked his dentures. "This reminds me of the time when I almost ate my peni—."

Faleron's eyes widened. "Woah there old guy! Don't you want to help my friend get up? I would…but…I just got my nails done."

Cricket Cricket 

"Jolly gee Fal!" exclaimed Owen. "I had no jolly idea you got your nails done. Well as I always jollily say…a jolly man who looses his jolly nails is no—. Ouch! Why did you elbow me!"

Owen rubbed his elbow protectively.

The old man walked up to Neal. "Are you oka—oof!"

Neal tripped the old man with his foot. The old man fell with a bellow into a bathtub full of clam chowder.

"Wash up old guy," said Faleron as he walked up to the old guy. "He handed him a cloth."

Merric gasped unconvincingly. "Oh no Faleron! Don't use that! That's my lucky towel. Use this!" He handed Faleron what looked like sweaty spandex.

"Hey that's my spandex!" hollered Jonathan outraged. "You perverted fools! Give me back my lucky spandex! I won Alanna with those!"

Alanna's eyes widened. She looked away and rubbed her nose innocently. "Let's pretend that never happened."

Romeli stared at the Lioness. "Let's."

Merric looked at the spandex disgusted and quickly handed it to Faleron as if it were some disease.

It probably was…

Faleron threw it at the old man like it was a hot potato. The old man held it in his hands for a moment before stuffing it in his mouth and eating it elegantly.

(Don't know where that came from…)

The crowd roared with laughter as they pointed at the old man who was probably going to get some Jonathan disease and die slowly and painfully. Hilarious.

Owen walked over. "Hi jolly old man. Would you like a radish?"

Neal gagged.

"Why yes…I am gay."

Owen backed up a step. He pointed to the radish and began to speak slowly. "This is a rrraaaaddiissssshhh. It is fooood. Unnndertaaannd?"

"If only I had my spleen back."

"That's rather odd," said Owen. "Just take the damn radish!"

The old man took the radish and ate it. "Hey! This isn't my medicine! This tastes much worse!"

"If you eat it all…then I'll give you a prize!"

The old man took a bite. "Is it denture cleaner?"

"…No."

Another bite. "Numair's toe?"

Numair looked up. "I heard that!"

"Nope."

"What about a—."

Just then there was a cry in the distance that sounded a lot like "Garhulshipolusinjerifinyorkpobrtherweesnawdjleinfalkjf!"

Now Owen just happened to know southern Italian and translated it roughly to "Fetche La Vache!"

Owen was quite perplexed. Fetch the cow? That wasn't part of the plan.

There was a moo in the distance! And suddenly…with scientifically perplexing speed, a cow crashed down on top of the old man with a thump.

Romeli clicked her tongue. "Poor thing. Having to squish an old man. I feel so sorry for her."

There was another roll of laughter from the crowds. Even heartdamoose was laughing. Mostly because she saw Spamalot and found this highly amusing.

Heehee.

"ALRIGHT JUDGES!" cried Emmy from her commentary booth. "WHAT'S THE SCORE?"

Numair flipped back his hair. "Well, the clam chowder was a nice touch. It just happens to be my favorite food. And the whole cow thing may have been overdoing it. And besides…it was scientifically impossible. I'll give you a seven."

Heartdamoose looked at Numair. "Hey…did you know it's illegal in Alaska to throw a moose out of an airplane?"

Numair looked at her confused. "What's an airplane?"

Heartdamoose looked hesitant. "Er…never mind."

"Well I for one thing that it was well pulled off. Though it was not as organized as the girl's team. It was perhaps a little more surprising however. I'll give you a nine," said George.

Heartdamoose tapped her finger on her chin. "Well, Neal, since I find you physically attractive, I'll give you bonus points. It was a damn good show and highly amusing. I love the Monty Python fetch the cow thing. How did you ever come up with that? Whoever thought of the Idea must be a genius. And I love messing with the old people. I give you a ten."

Neal ran his hand through his hair. "It's the looks."

The rest of the boys rolled their eyes.

"ALRIGHT…THE NEXT CHALLENGE IS CALLED BADASS FASHION. YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO HAVE A FASHION SHOW. WHICHEVER TEAM HAS THE MOST BADASS CLOTHES…WINS."

The girls exchanged excited looks.

"Come on girls…let's get ready. We got a fashion show to do!" said Yuki excitedly.

Meanwhile the boys looked doubtful. "We're screwed."

"Damn straight," said Neal staring distantly.

"You're straight?" asked Merric with a grin.

Neal elbowed him. "Come on guys. We still have a chance. Who says guys can't be fashionable?"

OOO

"UP FIRST IS THE GUYS FOR THE FIRST EVER TORTALL FASHION SHOW!" announced Emmy as she yelled into the speaker. She then tripped over a conveniently placed fish head and fell down the judge booth stairs.

Faleron gulped. Why was he so nervous? He stepped on the runway and struck a sexy pose. He then walked down the runway with a hot smile that said 'I'm a knight and I'm hot'.

"Here we see Faleron wearing the latest new hot trend of Corus. The incredibly tight tights show off the manly curves of our knight. Now the silk really shows off the texture of his fine dark features, so for all you ladies out there with a dark man in the house. Buy him this." Emmy winked as she commentated. "His tunic which sports the Tortallan crest shows off the Tortallan pride of our country and really shows how confident he is to be wearing it in bandit country or on trips where he can get pummeled and speared multiple times. It just shows how bad ass our little knight can be, eh?"

Faleron struck another pose at the end of the walkway and pivoted.

"Work it Faleron!" cried a voice in the crowd. More cheers were heard.

Faleron winked at the crowd and walked off of the runway. Merric came on next. He turned to the side in a pose and started to strut his stuff down the runway.

"Now Merric is wearing the newest bad ass hit with the black tunic with threatening skull and breeches with many chains and spikes on it. The look practically says, 'I'm bad ass, do you have a problem with it?'. If you're looking for a raise from the boss or you're just trying to scare the neighbors, wear this. It'll have them jumping out of their clothes. Now if this isn't bad ass, I don't know what is," announced Emmy as she spoke into the microphone. "This line also comes in black, very black, ebony, and so dark blue that you could classify it as black."

Merric pivoted and swayed his hips as he walked off of the runway. Next on came Owen.

"Here Owen wears the classic formal bad ass look. The long black cloak really gives him the 'I'm dangerous' look to him. And the top hat gives him a mysterious aura. A gangster bad ass indeed."

Owen flipped back his long thick cloak to show what he wore underneath.

"Now underneath this dangerous cloak is the silk off-white tunic that makes him almost look like a pirate. Well pirates are bad ass aren't they? His breeches are tight, but not too tight. A fashion hint guys: too tight of pants may look hot, but if you wear them wrong they make you look gay."

Owen winked at the crowd and walked off the runway.

Raould, who the author had completely forgot about because she has crappy moose memory, stepped onto the runway and put his arms in the air as he struck a sexy pose.

"Ah yes. Here we see the heir to the throne wearing a black blazer with a red shirt underneath. His tights are tight to show off the muscular knight legs. Sexy…"

Raould strut down the runway swaying his hips in a 'I'm hot' type of way. At the end of the runway, he swiveled to the side to show off his manly curves and walked off.

There was a cheer from the crowds and girly screams as Neal walked on. He pointed to the crowd and winked.

Someone fainted in the distance.

"Oh la la!" exclaimed Emmy. "We haven't seen this fashion around here yet. It is the newest fashion in the Copper Isles wear everyone gets their bad ass on. Here we see him wearing jeans, something that Tortall has not taken to quite yet. The jeans are tight and look a little girly. The white belt accents his slim yet muscular look. Notice how the dark red shirt has the word bad ass imprinted on it. I like indeed. I won't be surprised if Tortall picks up to this new look now. Oh man…is it hot in here or what?"

Neal grinned his white-toothed smile and winked to the crowds. He swiveled to the side and ran a hand through his hair. He then walked off the runway much to everyone's dismay.

"JUDGES! WHAT'S YOUR SCORE?"

Numair nodded. "Those were indeed some pretty bad ass looks you got there. My personal favorite was Owens. The cloak is freakin awesome. The crowd really got into it as well. And as I always say…the crowd is key.

Romeli looked confused. "He doesn't say that."

Numair grinned. "I give the boy's team a ten. Great job."

George stroked his chin. "A very good job indeed. I must say that those looks will really sport a new trend in Tortall now. You guys really changed the country with your fashion show. I give you a nine."

Heartdamoose looked at the boys team. "That was the greatest fashion show ever!"

There were screams of agreement from the crowds on heartdamoose's wonderful commentary.

"Neal…you're sexy outfit practically had me out of my chair. You really turned me on. Everyone probably agrees with that right? Do you wanna go out?"

Neal did a sidelong look at Kel. He grinned. "Sure! You're hot, I'm hot, why not?"

Heartdamoose flipped back her hair. "Well then, I give you guys a 10."

Everyone cheered.

"ALRIGHT THEN!" announced Emmy. "NEXT UP IS THE GIRLS TEAM FOR THE BAD ASS FASHION SHOW!"

Alanna exchanged glances with everyone else and grinned. "Ready girls?" 

All of the girls nodded with eager looks.

Alanna walked up on to the runway and leaned on one hip in a pose. She began to show her bad ass stuff on the runway.

"Now if this doesn't say bad ass, I don't know what does. Alanna is sporting a bright red dress with a low neckline that practically says, 'Yeah I am hot, but I know how to beat your ass as well'. The dress is easy to fight in with its stretchy material, so you can kick someone's ass and look good as well. If you're a lady, and you have weapons, then you gotta have this dress. This gown also contains twenty…that's right twenty…weapons pockets to store pointy objects in. This outfit also comes in black, purple, and green."

Alanna did a little turn, her dress swaying with her as she walked off the runway. Yuki came on next with a seductive smile on her lips.

"This is for all you Yamani ladies out there," announced Emmy. "Yuki here is wearing the classical kimono with a little twist. The blackness of it all brings out the hair and gives you the dark look. And the maroon lace on top of it makes it all the more elegant, in a deadly way of course. The short kimono shows off the silky long legs that all Yamanis seem to have. And the black bow in the back makes you seem innocent. Yup…if anything…this is a bad ass outfit."

Yuki smiled and walked off of the runway. Up came Kitty…oh my goodness.

"Now this must be the top of it all folks," announced Emmy in shock as everyone else gasped. "Truthfully, if this ain't bad ass, then nothing is. Kitty is wearing a very black gown with long sleeves that widen out in a very witch-like way. The dress has a low square neckline lined with what looks like…teeth. The short dress accents the paleness of her legs and really makes all the chains and whatnot hanging off of her look shiny. The long big boots really pull the whole gothic look together. I'm telling you guys, if she kicks you in the wrong place, you might as well commit suicide, because your manhood will be obliterated."

Just about every man the stands winced. All the ladies in the crowds just laughed.

Kitty growled at the crowds and gave them a deathly glare before walking off the runway. _Human mating rituals are fun…_ she thought grinning.

Up next was Romeli. She walked up onto the runway, and flipped back her green hair in a double-flip that had everyone in the crowds stare in awe.

"Here we see Romeli wearing the newest sexy bad ass clothes of Tortall. This is a Lalassa original with a deep forest green. The low neckline shows off her naughty curves. Though the dress may seem simple, it is still quite bad ass. The sloping hemline of the dress shows off her perfect long legs and the high heel boots, though they seem elegant, can really give the enemy a kick that he doesn't want anything to do with. Overall, this green goddess really knows how to bring out the badness inside of her."

Romeli struck a few poses, her sweepy green hair accenting her face perfectly. She winked at the crowds before walking off with swaying hips.

Numair hit his head with his hand. "What the hell is my daughter wearing? Is she _trying_ to get raped?"

Heartdamoose hit him on the head. "I knew I made you too protective when I characterized your personality in the story."

Numair looked at the angelic moose oddly. "What are you talking about?"

Heartdamoose looked at him innocently. "Oh…nothing." She took out a notepad and began to write in it. Note to self, she wrote. Next chapter, kill off Numair for being too territorial. She looked up at Numair with an evil grin before scribbling more things down on her notepad.

The last person was Kel. She came up onto the runway and propped her hand on her sword.

"Now Kel is wearing what I would call the damsel who's definitely not in distress look. Her tight black leather pants show her warrior legs and the sword on her side hooked onto a black leather belt really brings the 'fear me' out of it. Her black leather shirt has a zipper in the front for quick changes on a bad ass mission. The sleeves go down to her elbows for mobility. Don't you just hate fighting the bad guys in outfits that you can't move in?"

Kel took out her shukusen and threw it in the air elegantly. She caught it with her hand and spun it quickly before folding back up again and putting it away in one smooth move.

"This warrior outfit also comes with a shukusen pocket so you can bring your fan with you on those missions. This outfit also comes in white, pink (for all you court girls who can't help but be girly), and red."

Kel blew a kiss to the crowds and walked off of the runway.

"JUDGES, WHAT'S YOUR SCORE?"

Numair stroked his chin. "Well, it was pretty good. It really shows how bad ass the girls of our country can be. However, some of these outfits I found highly inappropriate. Therefore, you guys get a 7. Oh, and Romeli, you're grounded."

Romeli gaped at him. She smirked. "Whatever, he knows I'll just sneak out anyway."

The rest of the girls laughed. Except for Kitty who was highly fascinated in the birds that were flying over the stadium.

"They must die," she said darkly. "Too happy. The word burns us."

Meanwhile, heartdamoose was glaring at Numair. "Now that dress was not inappropriate. I thought up of that dress!"

Numair shrugged. "I find it highly offensive that my daughter was wearing that dress."

Heardamoose glared at him. "Bitch, you're just overprotective you freak. Do you wanna fucking go? That's right, you heard me. Do you wanna fight fool? I will beat your ass so hard you'll wish you'd never be born. Now, if you don't cut some slack on _my _character, then I will fucking resurrect Ozorne and stuff him up your white ass behind."

(A/N: Whoah there heartdamoose. Calm down, gurl. Hey wait…I'm talking to myself. Hehe…this is actually pretty cool…hehehe.)

Numair paled and muttered something that sounded a lot like, 'Moose obsessed mother fuckers who need to get over their high ego and shut the hell up.'

(A/N: I'm sorry about all the curse words. I'm not really like this I swear. I'm just adding to the drama.)

Heartdamoose stared at him wide eyed. "Oh no you didn't," she said with a Z-snap on the side. "You are such an out of control old man who can't contain himself. You need to get with the new wave of style you stupid mage."

Numair stared. "Your mom is an out of control old man who can't contain herself."

Heartdamoose smirked. "Your dad was an out of control old man who couldn't contain himself last night."

Numair paled. "Oh yeah? Well…your…your…I challenge you to a duel!"

Heartdamoose smirked. "Do you really think that you can beat me? I am heartdamoose!"

"I'm a black mage."

"Black mage my ass…we all know you cheated on your exams at the university."

"Yeah…so…"

Heartdamoose rolled her eyes. "Numair Xavier Salmalin! There is no way you can beat me!"

Romeli snorted. "Xavier?"

Numair cringed at the use of him middle name. "You shall die!"

"Not if I kill you first!"

"Do you wanna go, bitch!"

"We already are! And how dare you call me bitch! Your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a bastard!"

Oh…burn.

"Yeah…well…Your grandma…"

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT YOU TWO. NOW LET'S GET OVER IT AND BE MATURE PEOPLE. NO FIGHTING IN THE JUDGES STAND. SO…GEORGE, WHAT'S YOUR SCORE?"

George thought for a moment. "Um…I think I'll give them a nine."

Heartdamoose humfed. "Ten," she muttered angrily.

"NOW THAT WE HAVE THAT OVER WITH, IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL EVENT! THE LAST EVENT WILL BE FIGHTING. EACH GIRL WILL BE PAIRED UP WITH A BOY AND THEY WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH…ER…I MEAN…UNTIL THE FIRST DROP OF BLOOD. FOR EVERY WIN BETWEEN THE GIRL AND BOY, YOU WILL BE AWARDED SIX POINTS, WHICH WILL BE ADDED TO YOUR OVERALL SCORE. WHOEVER HAS THE MOST OVERALL POINTS FROM ALL OF THE CHALLENGES, WINS."

Fighting…fun.

All the girls exchanged grinning looks. "Girls, we got this one down pat," said Yuki as she took out her shukusen and threw it up in the air and catching it without even looking at it.

All of the other girls nodded.

Meanwhile all of the guys exchanged horrified looks.

"Shit guys," said Faleron with a grim look. "One of us is gonna have to go against Al—Ala—_Alanna_."

"Yeah…we're screwed."

"ATTENTION PLEASE," said Emmy through the microphone. "THE JUDGES HAVE NOW THOUGHT UP OF WHO IS GOING TO GO AGAINST WHO. THE FIRST PAIR TO FIGHT WILL BE KEL AGAINST MERRIC."

Merric gulped.

"Damn Merric, you got the easy one," complained Neal horrified.

Merric looked at him shocked. "What do you mean _easy_!" he said mortified. "She's _Kel_!"

"You know, you got a point there…"

"THE SECOND PAIR TO FIGHT IS YUKI AGAINST RAOULD."

Raould sighed with relief. "I'm just glad I'm not going against Romeli."

"Please…Romeli can't fight can she?" asked Owen.

Raould snorted. "Oh…Romeli can fight. She _beat_ Alanna."

"Ah…"

"THE THIRD PAIR TO FIGHT WILL BE KITTY AGAINST OWEN."

Owen felt like crumbling into a little ball. "I'm scared," he said with a shaky voice.

Faleron pat his shoulder sympathetically.

"THE FOURTH GROUP WILL BE ROMELI AGAINST FALERON."

Faleron grew pale. "Shit…"

"Lucky," muttered Neal. "You get to fight the hot girl. I'm stuck with…with…" Neal grew very pale. "Holy shit I'm fighting Alanna!"

Chuckles erupted through the crowd as they caught on to who Neal was going to fight against.

"THE LAST GROUP WILL BE…HEEHEE…ALANNA AGAINST NEAL!" it was then that Emmy burst out laughing and fell on the ground in rolling fits of insane giggles.

Alanna caught Neal's attention and slid her pointer finger across her throat threateningly. She grinned and winked.

Neal grew even paler then he was before. "I. Am. Going. To. Die."

"Sorry mate," said Merric shrugging.

"Oh shut up," muttered Neal angrily.

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT," said Emmy. "LET'S HAVE OUR FIRST PAIR OF FIGHTERS OUT TO THE CENTER OF THE FIELD PLEASE."

Kel rolled her shoulders and got her glaive. Merric got his sword and did a couple of stretches before walking to the middle of the field.

Kel smiled as the two of them shook hands.

"Please don't kill me," pleaded Merric as he shook her hand.

Kel stared at him laughing. "Of course I'm not. You're my friend."

Merric didn't look very convinced.

"ON THREE," said Emmy. "ONE…TWO…TWO AND A HALF…TWO AND THREE QUARTERS…TWO AND FIVE SIXTHS…TWO AND NINE TENTHS…TWO AND TWENTY FIVE TWENTY SIXTHS…TWO AND…ER…UM…THREE!"

Merric shot out his sword and did a lightning quick butterfly sweep. Kel quickly dodged it and attempted to prick him at the side. Merric brought his sword to the side just barely in time to block it. Merric then attempted to do a forward slash.

Kel stepped to the side and spun her glaive before pushing him to the ground with the pole-like part of her glaive.

Shoot, thought Merric as he quickly scrambled backwards. Kel started to come at him with her glaive raised high. Merric, with a stroke of luck brushed his legs by her knees and swept Kel's feet from under her.

Kel yelped as she prepared to fall. She rolled to the side. She looked down at her hands in horror to find that she dropped her glaive.

It was lying by Merric's feet. Merric looked at her glaive and a ripple of hope surged through him. He grabbed her glaive and quickly stood up. Now he had the advantage.

Kel grinned. She swept the feet from under him with an extended leg as she pivoted the other one in a crouch. Merric fell to the ground, the glaive and sword knocked out of his hands. The glaive and sword flew through the air. Kel quickly jumped up and caught the glaive and spun it. She then caught the sword in her other hand. She brought both of the blades up to his neck as he lay on the ground.

"I yield," said Merric with his hands up. Kel helped him up and gave him his sword back.

"Good match," said Kel as she gave him a hug. "I thought you had me beat for a second there."

Merric grinned.

"OKAY, SO WE HAVE SIX POINTS FOR THE GIRLS TEAM, SINCE KEL WON THE DUEL. NEXT WE HAVE YUKI AGAINST RAOULD."

Raould grinned. He got his sword and spun it through his hands elegantly. He walked out to the center of the field as the boys rooted for him.

Yuki took out her fan and threw it in the air, catching it elegantly. "I'm taking him down girls." She walked down to the center of the field.

The girls exchanged looks.

"Hey," said Kel throwing her hands up. "She _could_ win."

Alanna gave her a 'maybe' look.

"OKAY. ON FIVE. ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE."

Yuki ducked low from Raould's quick swipe. She slashed her fan towards his middle, but he jumped out of the way just in time.

Raould then pointed out his sword to her middle. Yuki put her shukusen in front of her stomach. The sword pierced through the material of the fan. Yuki gripped both sides of the fan and twisted it. Raould's grip on the sword loosened, and the sword flipped out of his hand. Yuki caught it nimbly.

There was a gasp from the crowd. That was a shocker.

Raould stared at her.

Yuki held up his sword and attempted to slash at his stomach as she went at him. Raould slid towards her and flipped her over his hip. She fell to the ground with a yelp on her back. The sword flew out of her hand.

Raould quickly ran towards it and picked it up. Yuki rolled and jumped up. She flipped her hair back and held up her shukusen.

Raould stared. Damn, how come she looks good even during a friggin fight? She thought confused as sweat dripped down his face and he breathed in heavily.

He held up his sword and attempted to slash her at her side. Yuki jumped up and dodged the swipe. She landed in a crouch and stood up again. Reaching behind her, she took out two other fans and dropped the one that was pierced by his sword. She folded them open and spun them around her hands, holding them slickly. Raould gulped.

Yuki started to come at him, her fans spinning and slicing at him in a gigantic blur. Raould blocked them with the broad side of him sword. He spun his sword and found just the right opening. He slashed at her side.

Yuki doubled over as she felt the sword pierce her skin. She dropped her fans and held up her hands. "I yield," she said. Raould nodded, hoping that he didn't hurt her too much.

"THAT'S SIX MORE POINTS FOR THE BOY'S TEAM!" announced Emmy. "IT'S NECK AND NECK EVERYONE! BUT WE STILL HAVE THREE MORE FIGHTS! BOTH THE GIRLS AND THE BOYS TEAM ARE TIED WITH 61 POINTS! AMAZING! BUT LET'S GET ON TO THE NEXT FIGHT. NEXT IS KITTY AGAINST OWEN."

"Have a jolly good time Owen," said Faleron wickedly.

Owen glared. "Oh shut up."

Faleron laughed.

Kitty stretched and yawned. "I shall send this pathetic embarrassment of a creature to the dark realms where I shall devour him alive and use his bones as toothpicks."

Kel paled. "Just win the duel."

"The slaughtering shall begin," said Kitty wickedly as she walked onto the field. She reached out her right hand and a scythe appeared. She held it in both of her hands darkly.

Owen walked on as well, his sword held in the ready position.

"ON TWO AND A HALF! ONE, TWO AND A HALF!"

Kitty struck first as she rose up her scythe and attempted to slam it down through his skull.

Owen jumped out of the way with a panicked look as he held up his sword to block her other attacks.

"Owen's going to die!" exclaimed Merric panicked.

Neal shook his head. "There is no way he is going to win this."

Owen blocked another scythe attack. He sweeped down his sword to try and cut her on her side. Kitty blocked it with the pole of her scythe. Owen ducked down from another swipe and rolled to the ground. He lay on his back as he stared at her.

Kitty licked her lips as she held her scythe, ready to pounce. "You are mine you stupid mortal."

Just a little bit more, though Owen urgently. Closer…closer. Kitty took another step. Owen kicked his feet up and knocked Kitty to the ground. Her scythe went flying out of her hand.

Owen jumped up as quickly as he could. He put his sword up to Kitty's throat. "Do you yield."

"Hells no," said Kitty angrily. "How dare you kick me you stupid fool! I shall summon the power of the darkest part of hell to devour you and split you apart in the most painful way imaginable."

Kitty's eyes started to turn a devilish red. "DEMONS OF THE UNDERWORLD…I CALL YOUR NAM—."

"STOP!" cried Emmy through the booth. "SUMMONING THE DARKEST PART OF HELL TO DEVOUR YOUR OPPONENTS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED! KITTY, YOU ARE DISQUALIFIED!"

Owen looked up at the booth in shock. Does that mean he wins?

"THAT MEANS THAT YOU WIN OWEN. THAT IS SIX MORE POINTS FOR THE BOY'S TEAM!"

Owen did a happy dance.

Kitty stood up furiously. "MARK MY WORDS ALL OF YOU! I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL AND TAKE OVER YOUR PLANET. REVENGE IS MINE!"

Owen happy danced some more.

"ALRIGHT, STOP THREATENING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, AND STOP HAPPY DANCING!" said Emmy. "THE NEXT TEAM NEEDS TO DO THEIR DUEL. ROMELI AND FALERON, PLEASE COME TO THE FIELD!"

Romeli picked up her double-bladed staff and spun it cleanly. The whistling of the blades cutting through the air seemed to echo. "I'll get you guys a win," she said as she threw the staff into the air and caught it in one slick move. She walked to the center of the field.

Faleron rolled his shoulders and his wrists. He unsheathed his sword and practiced fighting with an invisible opponent. He walked to the center of the field.

"ON ONE-HUNDRED! ONE, TWO, SKIP A FEW, NINETY NINE, ONE-HUNDRED!"

Romeli ducked Faleron's swipe and ducked down on the ground. She swept his feet from under him with her staff and rolled back up.

Faleron got back up as quickly as he could and slashed at her again. Romeli blocked him with the middle of her staff. Again and again he slashed at her, but he could never find an opening. Romeli kept on blocking him.

With a stroke of luck, he found an opening and striked at her. With abnormal speed Romeli dropped her staff and grabbed the flat of his blade with the palms of her hands clapped together She brought his sword back up so that it was head level with both of them. They were less then a foot apart.

Damn she's good, thought Faleron as he stared at her. Romeli grinned at him with her abnormal eyes and twisted her hands so that he lost hold of his sword. It flew through the air and practically slid into Romeli's fingers.

Faleron looked around for a weapon he could use. He spotted her double bladed staff and quickly grasped it. He held it in front of him threateningly. He had no idea how to use the thing, but hey, it was a weapon.

Romeli sliced down on him, but he blocked it with the middle of her staff. She grinned as she attempted to slice him again on the other side.

Instead of slicing him however, she gave him a false lead that he bought. He moved her staff to block the side that she was slicing at. Romeli kicked him firmly in the groin.

Faleron yelped and fell on his knees, dropping her staff on the ground in front of him.

All the men in the crowds winced.

"Thank you," said Romeli as she picked up her staff. She dropped his sword next to him.

Shakily, Faleron stood up and picked up his sword. Oh bitch, when you kick a guy in the balls, that's when it gets serious.

He twisted his sword in his hand and sliced down vertically with the broad side of his sword.

Romeli rubbed her head where Faleron hit her. That was going to hurt in the morning. She spun her staff and ran at him. She knocked him down to the ground with the middle of her staff, but since she put all of her weight into it, she fell down as well with a yelp.

Romeli rolled off of him and picked up both his sword and her double-bladed staff. She stood up and leaned her foot on his stomach. She put both her staff blade and his sword to his neck.

"I yield," said Faleron. Romeli smiled as she handed him his sword and helped him up. Both were breathing heavily.

"IT'S A TIE AGAIN FOLKS!" announced Emmy. "THIS IS IT! THE NEXT DUEL IS THE LAST CHANCE TO PROVE WHICH GENDER IS TRULY MORE BAD ASS. COME ON DOWN ALANNA AND NEAL!"

Alanna laughed. "This is going to be easy," she said as she held up her sword."

Meanwhile, Neal was hyperventilating.

"You know, this is all going to be your fault if you loose," said Merric. "No pressure or anything."

"Thanks," said Neal dryly as he unsheathed his sword. He walked to the center of the field where Alanna already stood with a smile on her face like she had already won.

Might as well be.

"ON TWENTY-FIVE!" said Emmy when she saw that they were in the ready position. "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN, ELEVEN, TWELVE—."

Alanna glared at Emmy. "You better say fucking twenty five right now otherwise I will pull your damn insides out through you ears and roast them to a crunchy pulp!"

"…TWENTY-FIVE!"

Alanna, in all her fury, sliced at Neal's side so fast that if you blinked you wouldn't have been able to see it. Neal fell to the ground, a slash on his cheek.

"ALRIGHT GUYS, THAT'S IT!" said Emmy victoriously. "THE GIRLS WIN THE TOURNAMENT! CONGRATS GIRLS!"

Neal didn't know what hit him as he lay on the ground confused. Alanna looked satisfied and helped Neal up gruffly. She pat him on the shoulder and walked away to go celebrate with the girls.

The other boys were quite confused.

"Let's never speak of this again," said Merric in a daze.

"I can't even speak," said Owen.

"You just did."

"Shut up."

Neal walked up to them sympathetically. "Well, it's not like you guys would be able to do any better," pointed out Neal as he rubbed the cut on his cheek. He brought out his green gift and healed it.

"True…" said Raould.

"So…do you guys wanna go get pizza?" asked Faleron.

The rest of the boys shrugged and they walked off.

"We won!" said Kel excitedly.

"The mating ritual is complete," said Kitty grinning.

All the other girls froze and stared at Kitty oddly. "Alright then…"

Romeli gave Yuki a high five.

"Well that was a waste of my time," said Alanna.

"What are you talking about?" said Yuki. "That was fun."

"I bet I can think of five things that are more fun then this."

"Oh, do you wanna go bitch? I will take you down!" said Yuki with a glare.

Alanna's brows rose and she crossed her arms over her chest. "Bring it on, biotch."

"Fine," said Yuki sticking her nose up. "You and me. Tomorrow night. Here. You will never see another day."

Kel and Romeli rolled their eyes.

Kitty gnawed on a huge chunk of cheese.

OOO

Heartdamoose stared at Neal with laughing eyes as they sat at a table in a fancy Corus restaurant. "That was a pretty fun tournament, eh?"

Neal nodded. "Of course it was. Especially because you judged. The Alanna part was fairly embarrassing though."

Heartdamoose nodded. "Yeah, well, that's business darling."

"Since when do you know about business?"

"…I don't."

"Whatever," said Neal waving the topic off. "You are looking beautiful today heartdamoose."

Heartdamoose blushed. "Why thank you. And you are looking quite…green…today as well."

Neal grinned a charming smile that made his white teeth flash. "Well, you know how I like green."

"Oh, I know," said heartdamoose laughing. "Say Neal, do you wanna make out?"

Neal shrugged. "Sure!"

Both of them grabbed each other's faces as they kissed long and hard with urgency. Heartdamoose ran her hair through Neal's sexy hair. Both of them collapsed onto the sofa thingy in the restaurant.

A waiter walked up with a smiling face. He looked at them and pulled on his collar. "I guess you need more time to think then."

And that's why people who don't like radishes should die.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lol. I've always wanted to write that. (wink) heehee.

So, that was an incredibly long portion of the fic. Hooray! Also, if you guys find Romeli to be an incredibly cool character and you want to read more of her and what the heck she has to go through, then read my other fic Guardian of Animals: Road to Chaos. It may not be as funny as this, but it's a hell of a lot better. I'm sure all of you guys will like it. Mostly because it has Neal's sexy son in it. Who is very sexy I have to say. And, if you're looking for a Harry Potter fic, read my Follow the Butterflies fic, which is just as funny, if not funnier then this fic. It will have you guys laughing the whole time, and I encourage you guys to read it. And, if you're as bored as heck, I welcome you to read my bio. It's a time consumer…trust me.

Alrighty then.

Replies:

Me: okay, so I didn't update soon. Do you hate me?

Tolkienkook: I hope that was a compliment. Lol. I think this chapter is my favorite. Lol. I love it! Uber fun! Hooray!

Sull89: You forgot about the story! (is ashamed) oh well, I haven't updated in so long that I'm not surprised. Yes he very much is. Sorry for not updating very fast.

Queenofdakittys: Hooray for laughing. Some people laugh so much that they get a six pack because they work their stomachs so hard. Hooray, I'm a genius. Well I am heartdamoose after all. Guardian of Animals has some humor in it, but it's not as funny as this one. I bet you would like it anyway tho. If you're really looking for humor, read my Follow the Butterflies HP fic. You're welcome. Heehee.

Silver-star-0: Well yes…he is a sexy beast. Heehee. Lol. Yay for rambling.

Ethuiliel: heehee. I'm glad you liked it.

Summerbluez: heehee. Thanks. I try.


	22. Numair's Toe Returns!

Heeheehee.

A quick update indeed.

I'm terribly bored and I'm sick. Hooray.

This is more of our beloved toe Henry. Yay Henry! Numair finds Henry again and…well…just read the chapter.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Henry was quite bored. The other toes in the Realm of the Dead weren't as horny as he thought they were. 

Henry decided to go on an adventure. So Henry told the Black God that his realm of the dead was a big rip-off and he ditched it. Being dead was overrated anyway. Why be dead when you can not be dead?

Henry walked down a path a little bit until he found a big gate. The gate was very big. In fact, it was bigger then Henry. Henry found this funny.

Anyway…

On the gate was a sign that said. 'Yo hommies whazzup. Dis place righ' hurr is da newest bumpin' club in the his-house yo!'

Henry found clubs to be very sexy, so he went through the gate and walked up to the club.

"Stop right there toe," said the guard holding his hand up.

"TOE?" said a voice from inside the club. Dumbledore walked out. "It's the TOE!"

Silence.

Dumbledore smiled. "Listen here Toe, have this ring." Dumbledore handed Henry the ring.

"grifdrerom!" exclaimed Henry excitedly in elfish.

Dumbledore just happened to know elfish and translated it roughly to 'why?'. Dumbledore smiled. "Because my old rotting fingers are to big and moldy to wear it, you silly TOE!"

Henry took the ring and put it on. The ring made Henry feel like a pimp.

"Remember…KEEP IT SECRET! KEEP IT SAFE!" Dumbledore cackled.

The IFCACOMWHNBTDWTL (Institution For Crazy And Confused Old Men Who Have Nothing Better To Do With Their Lives, but since that name was way too long (even abbreviated) they nicknamed themselves Third Generation Armenian Pimps and the Foxy Grandpa. But since that's too long also, they sometimes just call themselves Jello) took away Dumbledore and threw him into their submarine.

I love submarines! Thought Henry happily. He wanted to go too, but the guard held him back.

"Do you want to go in the club or what?" asked the guard.

Henry nodded.

"Well you can't," said the guard laughing. He held up a sign that said NO TOES ALLOWED.

Henry was not very happy about this. Not very happy at all.

"JLFKEJOVKNSJGNLKFN! YOU SLDKFJLKEFBLEEPSEFK! BLEEPBLEEPER MCBLEEPING MOTHERBLEEP! YOU'RE SUCH A BLEEP WHO BLEEPED YOUR OWN BLEEPING MO—BLEEP!"

The guard paled. He tore up the sign and practically threw the toe into the club.

Henry got smashed.

Damn…not again.

However, the ring that Dumbledore gave him turned out to be a port key!

(Suspenseful music)

Henry was transported to the dragon land.

Henry found dragons to be very cool and inspiring so he was happy that he wasn't transported to Dairy Land or something lame like that.

When he arrived at Dragon Land, he found that every dragon down in dragon land, the tall and the small, was singing! Without any presents at all! He HADN't stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Toe, with his Toe-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes, or bags!" And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Toe thought of something he hadn't before!

Why the hell was he speaking in rhyme?

Henry froze and looked around himself. He wasn't even in snow! Note to Self: hit toe-head over and over again for speaking in rhyme.

He walked up to the dragons.

"lskdhg!" he said to one that was particularly fat.

"slkdh!" it replied.

"slkghen. Slkdhgeiogw, alkhflkewngslkng! Slkng?"

"jslkefglkwngW?…!…?"

"…?"

"LSKGNELKWG!"

The dragon kicked Henry and Henry flew into a small dragon whose name was Kitten. What type of name is that anyway? Kitten…the fearless dragon! How the hell is a dragon gonna be all bad ass when it's name is friggin Kitten! I mean really? Who the hell thought of that anyway!

"Hey!" said Daine highly insulted.

Oh go kill yourself.

"I most certainly will not! Kitten is a wonderful name!"

Wonderful name my left foot! That name totally sucks!

"No it doesn't!"

Chh…yeah it does. Hun, do you wanna fight? Cuz I will take you down!

"Yeah I wanna fight!"

Well let's go then punk!

Meanwhile, Henry and Kitten were having a conversation.

"lakfklewn."

"trill trill chirp-trill burp."

"lskgn?"

"hack."

"…lskdnlwkeglkwnegw, wlkenwlkegoskndgs!"

"Gag trill chirp trill headache trill trill."

"slkgnw!"

Henry jumped on Kitten's back and Kitten flew away back to Tortall.

OOO In Tortall OOO

Numair was very sad. He had been looking for his toe for two months now, and hadn't found it yet. He even put up signs and reward money, but alas, no toe. And now Daine was even gone. She went to go fight with some chick in the Divine Realms or whatever.

Suddenly, there was a crack!

_Crack. _

Kitten appeared in a sad attempt of a Poof.

_Pu-oof. _

"Kitten!" Numair said, pointing out the obvious. "What are you doing here!"

"Trill!"

Numair smiled cheekily, pretending that he knew what she was saying but had absolutely no clue.

Henry the toe jumped off of Kitten's back.

Numair gasped. "MY TOE!" He picked up his toe and held it tightly. "YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"slkdfgnlwknf!" or elfish for _Shit! Shit! Some mental guy is trying to rape me!_

Numair got a roll of duct tape and taped Henry to his foot.

"LIFE IS WORTH LIVING!" Numair cried happily as he admired his now five-toe foot.

Kitten ran away, discovering that over her absence, Numair had turned into a pathetic moldy old guy whose liver spots were hairier then his pe…ahem…well…yeah.

Henry didn't like being connected to the foot again, but found that life would be okay. He was surrounded by female toes.

Dumbledore walked in with an insane looking expression. "LEAVE! NOW! AND NEVER COME BACK!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ah ha ha. I love Henry. You know…I should make I love Henry shirts and sell them to you guys. That would be wicked.

Replies:

Silver-star-0: I'm not dead yet! Hooray! Lol. Follow the Butterflies isn't nearly as funny as this one…of course. But that's because my sister would kill me if I made it stupid…like this one. Lol. I'm currently working on Guardian of Animals, but the next chapter is really really really long. Like, the longest one yet. Lol. I can't wait! Ew…begging. Lol. I like Kitty too.

Queenofdakittys: Girls rule…of course. Why would I have the guys win anyway? Yay follow the butterflies! Heehee. You should read GOA, you'll like it. The beginning is really lame but around chapter 10 it gets way better. Lmao.

Me and a half: I like me and Neal together too. I'll do more KD…hmmm (thinks of a funny plot-line). What can I say…I'm a sucker for KD and KN.

Landunderwave: yay you're back! Hooray for radishes. They don't taste very good. Boing? An interesting word. I like it.


	23. Nail Polish

I just all of a sudden got this kick butt question. Does Tortall have nail polish? And then I evolved the question into, what would happen if Skysong found nail polish? And then it turned into the idea of the fic. Skysong + nail polish mass destruction. Hahaha.

Without further ado…read the chapter.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once upon a time, Skysong found a bottle of nail polish. Skysong didn't know what it was, so she asked Numair.

"Was ist das?" said Skysong speaking in clear German. However, Numair was did not know what German was, and therefore took it that she was speaking…some language that he didn't know. Which was true. Because there is no Germany…yet. Hahaha.

Anywho, Numair gave Kitten an odd look. "Why, Kit, that is a lamp."

Skysong hit her head. Stupid mage.

Skysong elegantly flipped the mage off Russian style, and sneakily peed all over his good boots.

Now, if you are to learn anything from this chapter, it is that dragon waste is highly flammable and forms a chemical reaction when put with black robed mage boots. So, of course, Numair's shoes started to bubble.

Numair was confused, for bubbling is something that most boots don't do.

It was just then that Kitten tripped over a lit candle.

Numair burst into flames and cooked to a crispy crunchy…thing. And thus the saga we all know as McDonalds began (no, I'm serious).

Kitten took her precious bottle of nail polish and walked away.

"Prima!" she exclaimed energetically.

Kitten went into the bathroom and opened the bottle of nail polish. She snorted at the scent and glared at the bottle. It must be some sort of torture device, she thought intelligently.

I shall destroy it!

But then she noticed that the nail polish was a cool swirly color of hooker pink. She took the cap and painted the polish all over her claws. And her hands. And her tail. And her face. And…well…you know what I mean.

To put it simply…Kitten looked like a wanna be hooker dragon who had just discovered nail polish.

The people at the Roof of the World laughed at my odd comparison as Kitten walked out of the bathroom holding the sacred bottle of nail polish in her hooker pink claws.

"Oh dear Kitten!" exclaimed a shrieking nightmare-worthy voice from the door. Daine…the mental wild mage thingy…walked up to her. "What did you get into?"

Kitten gulped. Oh no! It was the girl who stole her from the cave and made her chill with mortals! She's come to steal my nail polish as well! Nooo!

"So ein mist!" Kitten exclaimed protectively.

Daine frowned. "Stimmt nicht, Kitten! Was ist loss? Ich finde du gut! Was ist loss?"

"Wait a second," said Kitten. "You can speak German too?"

"Well yeah," said Daine. "I'm a native."

Kitten frowned at that. "Das ist Stimmt nicht! Du kommst aus Norway!"

"Nein, mein Schnuckiputzi! Ich komme aus Deutschland (Germany)!"

Kitten stared. Why the hell did she just call her cutey-pie?

Kitten had had enough of that. She killed Daine with her fire breathing abilities and flew away on her magical Mercedes.

Ah ha! Now Nail polish and me will be together forever.

But then, she dropped the nail polish.

Clumsy little dragon.

It fell on an old guys head and he died of confusion, and just because he was old anyway.

Fifteen lives and seven concussions later, Kitten finally reunited with her nail polish.

But then it fell down a gutter.

In Kitten's anger she breathed fire down the gutter. She was obviously very pissed.

Now, the IFDSS (Institute For Doing Stupid Stuff) decided that that day would be the perfect day to empty the sewage system of all water and replace it with gasoline, dry paper, and peanut butter.

The whole entire world blew up, except for Kitten who laughed because she was immortal and couldn't die. Hahaha.

Now the gods were rather angry that some looser dragon blew up their world and they put Kitten in jail. And then they decided to make another world, this time called moose planet.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It's not really that funny I know, it's mostly just a bunch of ramble that I felt like doing because I felt like it.

Hahaha.

Replies:

Music nerd: Yeah…I was pretty random that chapter. This one too, eh? Lol.

Tolkienkook: Yeah…mostly the last chapter and this one are just random things I felt like typing because I was bored. Hey, you're a trombonist too! Awesome! Well, it's good to find more then one girl trombonist in the world. Hoorah. Time to celebrate.

Note: All of you guys need to read next chapter, I have something really big up my sleeve. In fact, it is so big that it can't even fit in my sleeve. How 'bout that?


End file.
